Jealous is what I believe drove him to rape
6 days after the birth of child.
Marking his territory ; witnessing a profound
love and attachment .
Having to be told , to pick up his child.
None of this was normal..9 months of
his seething , feeling betrayed ..taking
no joy, only obligation in becoming a Dad
Acknowledging this in recent years , how
much he loves that word , in his mind clears
all of what’s discussed in this video.
Apologies , owing responsibility , healing
are not going to happen; nothing moves him
and that scared me silent ..
I have never ever witness anyone so void , so
self destructive, so holding his trauma .
A feminine version of this showed up for one
last lesson, in his alter masculine/feminine
recently and it was extremely enlightening
to grasp the inner views …
Adult children , witnessed addiction, co-dependency
alcoholic and co -dependence , ignored PTSD in
a highly superior , educated , successful maternal
for whom money is everything . No communication
about these major life efforts ,to her sons , with
holding ..friends instead , walking a fine line
having no support in lieu of a repeated lesson
of exactly the same amount of time.
Hearing this renewal on steroids ,after 6 years
where I would suddenly be blasted with negativity
that was so low energy , I gave er a go.
My reward was the takeaway , Understanding
the detailed thinking , planning , timing in
order to carry out plans , in exiting a current
situation ..Draining , yes .. the dynamics brought
my very essence up for a review by a toxic trauma
laden person , stuck, fear-filled , negative and
Hours of phone , getting in a time warp
that I found disgusting , the afternoon came
and it ended .
Trusting in change , for her blueprint , is
close , I took myself out of the equation.
I have been on the receiving end of this
hysteria , shame and blame projected
you’re it, because I say so, from folks
who have no idea of the harm to self
and others . I was that person , medicated
floundering in what I sense ( time has ✅)
how my body, the whole of me responded
in core wounds that were not all mine,
but empathically felt..Add that to generations
of abuse in DNA ..I forgave myself, surrendered
all, and live a quiet peace-love-joy, balanced
Jealousy for this, not understand the personal
power advantage of being in this place , fears
of the harsh lessons inherit in non supported
states of change , like death .
Reviewing this, intensified this attack on me,
I get that..
I have great empathy and support , and know
what is desired in heart and head and soul
will win out , over who will take care of me.
I was forced to nurture myself .. ongoing , yes
and sacred ..
No one has permission to speak to me , in such
a manner, read my blogs . Bother to hear me
over your own inner voice, speak up at the time
of the infraction I might have made or trigger .
Puking those toxins out , spewing me as a target
give me a pretty good idea , of where your coming
from , but silencing ..and I cannot afford to be
anywhere in that space with anyone .
Saying so much about inner thinking , I did
not mourn the failure , or lay in hope
of a reunification .
It is what it is..
I aim higher , shake it off and move forward .
Stirred , Shaken, but moving on..
Resolved to step out of the matrix that allows
one sniff of behaviors to be present ,
20 plus years is quite enough , 42, excessive
but so understood now , in all it’s tentacles
given the tools to rise above .
Gratitude to be on my way..
Sun is Shining , Birds are singing
as I step in to fresh food market day , 1st this
year , intent of bliss , seeing old friends
listening to music , a simple , drama
and abuse free heaven on earth..
Blessings & Peace ,