Not everyone heals their trauma

Not everyone will heal in this lifetime.
It’s important that we accept and understand this.
The perpetual emphasis on acknowledging and healing trauma is a beautiful thing, but its not for everyone. Because some of us don’t have the capacity to heal. Some can’t even get out of bed, because of the weight of their pain and the complexity of their trauma.
Too much has happened, and there is no possibility of transformation. This is very hard to accept in our toxic positivity culture, one where trauma is the new buzz word and where people forget that they are not walking in someone’s else’s shoes. Just because you were able to heal parts of your past, doesn’t mean everyone can heal parts of theirs.
We have all lived in a trauma inducing culture.
Some of us didn’t make it through in one piece. That’s a fact. And if we can just accept this, and honor and comfort them as they are without any effort to ‘heal’ them, we actually stand a chance of co-creating the kind of trauma-sensitive world that avoids this level of suffering altogether. Because trauma is perpetuated by insensitivity. Our tendency to turn a blind eye to the truth of people’s suffering, to shame them for not healing, to blame it on their karma and their choices, is precisely the dissociative consciousness that perpetuates the trauma cycle. You want to help, but you just make it worse. Better to accept people right where they are. Better to provide comfort to the fallen ones. That alone will heal the world ..

an excerpt from ‘Hearticulations’ by Jeff Brown

Artist Lindy Longhurst

Learning you’re involved with a Narcissistic

Learning you’re involved with a narcissist quickly turns into an obsession that can destroy your life if left unchecked.

Take these common inquiries, for example:

Why does the narcissist lie, even when I have proof?

What will happen if I warn the new supply?

Why can’t the narcissist finally be a decent parent?

My narcissist hasn’t hoovered me, does that mean it’s over?

How can I make the narcissist obsessed with me?

…and so on.

It may not seem like it, but obsessing about the narcissist is a great way to avoid looking at your own internal wounds and subconscious motives.

What if, instead of obsessing about the narcissist, you began to obsess about yourself. Then, your questions might look like this:

Why do I feel that I can control other people’s thoughts and behaviors?

Why do I believe my unconditional forgiveness will improve things when it hasn’t made a difference so far?

Why do I want a future with someone who lies, cheats, and abuses on a regular basis?

Why do I still want this person to like me when I know I can’t even trust them?

How will remaining in this toxic relationship affect my children?

There are real risks involved when we don’t defeat the obsession we have with narcissists. They are not elusive super-stars who can be reached through some secret trick of the mind. They are not tortured souls who need a special kind of love and devotion. There is, literally, nothing you can do to change the narcissist or the relationship you have with them.

But, there are ways you can begin to improve your own life. And it starts by turning your focus onto why you want to maintain your relationship with a person who wouldn’t care if you were run over by a bus today. They won’t care if your entire family turns against you. They won’t care if you lose a loved one. They won’t care if you’re diagnosed with a terminal condition. They won’t care if you lose everything (and they will promptly leave when that happens).

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your precious life?

If not, make sure to grab your free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap here:

Your friend on the journey,

Kim Xo

Toxic Treatment

The narcissist views you as a feeble underling; one which provides them with wonderful supply. So, though they couldn’t care less about you as a person, they don’t want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with you…albeit it a torturous one.⁠

They won’t let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist. These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone. ⁠

Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions. ⁠

They want the benefits without all the damage control. They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really are.⁠

This is why, when you try to make them see how they’re hurting you, it is utterly pointless. In fact, it’s during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissist’s personality…and it’s chilling.⁠

Nonetheless, in your mind, you love them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do but just have a hard time showing it.⁠

This is not the case. ⁠

They are nothing like you and no amount of unconditional love will change this fact. When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissist’s wounded self. ⁠

This will never happen and it’s important to accept this painful truth so you go about getting over a narcissist.⁠

Learn how narcissists hook you in, keep you hypnotized, and how you can release yourself from the narcissistic vortex by joining me in my free webinar, 7 Proven Steps to Break the Narcissistic Spell.⁠

Register here:

Deeply Held Trauma presents as total Self Absorbson, Abuse , Toxic Behaviors

Anyone who acts as a parental alienator has major issues with their mental and emotional health and is incapable of relating to other human beings in a normal loving, caring way – not even their children.

I know this from first hand experience and was as deeply shocked as anyone who has had their children withheld from them as an act of vengeance, regardless of the impact it has on others. Alienators will do and say anything to hurt you, because they are hurting deep inside, and have been for a very long time.

There are common patterns in the alienators’ past. They suffered trauma earlier in their own lives and became detached from normal behaviours and feelings. It does not matter how strong these people appear on the outside, they are weak, vulnerable and insecure on the inside. Don’t expect them to change or seek help as they are terrified of re-visiting their past – they are stuck in their own traumatised state.

You may recognise some of the common patterns with your own alienator; a troubled childhood, possibly with domestic violence, emotional abuse, alcoholism, lack of loving or supporting parents, or being over favoured and knowing no boundaries. This list continues but some of these will be very recognisable to readers.

It is shocking to the alienated parent how quickly their child can go from being loving to not wanting to see them. The child is living in fear that the alienating parent will punish them in various forms if they do not comply with the alienator’s demands. The child goes into self protection. They are hugely conflicted but side with the people they are most afraid of, who threatens to do them the most harm. This is nothing less than emotional abuse and creates trauma for the child that can stay with them for years.

Whilst it does not change your situation, it can help to better understand why this is happening. Your experience is not because, you or your children did something wrong, but because your X is mentally and emotionally affected by trauma in their past. This is not to make them out as being a victim as any of them can seek help at any time.

Legal and social services remain poorly equipped to identify and deal with parental alienation, which means you are often left to your own devices to manage the situation as best you can.

3 top tips:

1 – Make sure you are in a good mental and emotional state so that you can deal with the situation. There are many tools and techniques to build your mental and emotional resilience

2 – Where you have contact, focus on rebuilding your relationship with your child by concentrating on their needs and support, rather than involving them in the alienation battle of asking them to deal with any of your own issues

3 – Create boundaries between you and the alienating parent. Tactically, it is helpful to remember that you are dealing with people that demonstrate infantile behaviour and you may need to manage them accordingly

Crystal Clear About Trauma

Let me be crystal clear: if you’ve faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve . . . . Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

~ Tim Lawrence [Photo by Sarah Treanor]

Retaliatory Abuse towards children

An example , horrifically abusive

My son came back to me 17 days ago after almost 8 months of being alienated from me. His father is now furious with him. We just found out 2 days ago that he and his wife booked a trip to Disney and will be taking only my sons half sister. They leave in 3 weeks. My son is not invited and he is absolutely devastated. Has anyone else had anything similar happen? Any words of advise? I have been through hell for the last 8 months. I’m traumatized and I feel like I can’t think straight. I don’t want my son to be under stress anymore, I don’t know how to help, I can’t fix that relationship and I’m honestly terrified of my ex after what he just tried to do. I just can’t stand seeing my son continue to suffer. I want them to make up but I don’t know how to help and I’m terrified of being cut out again.

Faith

7 years ago my life ended.

I didn’t see a way out.

Was ready to check out.

It can’t get worse right?

Then it did.

They took my kids from me and I was a good father. It didn’t make sense until I found out it’s all about the state making money.

Then 5 years later I found a video of court corruption against my court actors and sued the state of Missouri actors.

The judge dismissed it.

“Quasi judicial immunity.” That means it doesn’t matter they committed crimes against my children and I, they are immune from liability because they work for the state.

I adapted an attitude of “you didn’t kill me then you damn sure can’t kill me now.”

Went and found a gang of fathers, mothers, and kids that had been ran over by the same system as me and found out I’m not alone.

Then one day life got better. I started rebuilding. Bro I got a long way to go.

I figured if you wanted a voice against the corrupt system, I can be part of that voice.

Life continues to get better every day. I found a quiet voice that speaks up next to me. Rebuilt a family and started working to fix the relationships the state and a vindictive ex destroyed.

You did me a favor all those years ago and threw me in the trash. I found my people down here and we found our worth. We started to get really loud and built something. We ain’t done yet.

My life isn’t for everyone. It is where I was supposed to be. When you hit that point, nothing can hold you back.

Rest. We’ll help carry you until you can go again on your own.

Don’t ever quit on yourself.

We got stuff to do and things to change.

Love everyone of our fathers out there and the women that support them.

Kenneth ROSA
Media Personality