Side Effects of Having a Distorted Parent

Child Psychological Abuse

Lifelong Effects on Children Who Grow Up With Narcissistic Personality Disordered Parents–
by Dr. Laurel a Sills, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Michigan.  9/2/2022
~~
The deeply damaging effects to a personality when growing up with especially subtle narcissism (which is not recognized by outsiders) is extremely long-lasting and often unseen by others. Kids may act strong and unaffected and become leaders or bossy and controlling and seem super confident, or, people- please in such a way that
most people like them and don’t notice that they are appeasing to everybody and not standing up for what they want.

Anxiety is high for the child who grows up confused by hearing they are loved by their parent who doesn’t guide them, dismisses them, is insensitive towards them, is hypercritical, micromanaging, doesn’t seem to see them or respect them. The child feels one way, but is told another or that they are overreacting, being dramatic, making mountains out of molehills, or dismissed, etc.; thus undermining the child’s self-trust and reliance upon their own feelings and perceptions to make accurate conclusions.

As a result, the child is apt to constantly need reassurance and seek outside validation rather than feel self-reliant and trust themself to be able to discern things accurately and appropriately.

Since narcissists unconsciously project their own self hatred and dislike of self onto others, the names they call their children typically are descriptors of themselves or some form of their own self-shame or doubt. If a parent says a child is selfish look and see if the parent is acting that way. If the parent says the child is stupid look and see if the parent is acting unaware of important dynamics.

When narcissistic parents use their children as an extension of themselves, they often push their kids to do the things they never did to finish unresolved dynamics from their own backgrounds. i.e. forcing a child to play football because the parent want to live through them and have their child reflect strength and athleticism and popularity. Forcing K
kids to act in their own mirror images rather than see their child as separate and unique individuals is another common pitfall.

Validating a child’s feelings is vital to help them grow to trust their own perceptions. It’s also important to help distinguish somebody else’s problems from a child’s behaviors.
As children, we must be seen for our own uniqueness and our own strengths and limitations; not be ridiculed for our limitations and molded into a mini version of our parent.

In therapy, the adult children has to express their confusion about how they felt in their families versus what they were told by the unhealthy family members. It takes outside validation, much love and compassion, an explanation for adult children to eventually recognize they were the victims of parents who were also suffering from their upbringing, and suffering that makes them project all kinds of things onto them. I’m not talking about physical abuse and more violent narcissism and sociopathic narcissism. I’m talking about even subtle abuse emotional, constant negative commentary, ignoring, eye/rolling, dismissive body language, disrespect, disregard mixed in with warm fuzzies, a
Conditional love, threats to withdraw love if a child doesn’t do what is asked or commanded… all part of the felt verbal and emotional abuse even when the parent is unaware.

Because the parent is unaware, when they later are confronted by adult children or teenagers about how they were feeling hurt by that parent, that parent often acts as if they were the one mortally wounded. Often the parent acts angry, surprised, betrayed, retaliates, or deeply hurt.

Sometimes parents give their children the silent treatment when a child tells their parent how they’ve been hurt by them. This just compounds the child’s ( teen or adult child’s) guilt and confusion.

Good therapy, in my opinion, combines validation, education, explanation, empathy, and teaching how to cope and separate what that parent did and said to the child from the real truth of who the child ( who became adult or teen pending on what age they are entering therapy) really is and who they were born to be.

The growth to health for the children of Narcissitic parents is to find honest, real, compassionate and loving people who can support, guide, teach and demonstrate unconditional love with guidelines for appropriate behavior in the world. Empathy is vital. Depth of emotions and discussion about feelings is vital. Healing comes in the relational and attachment realms. 

Because the narcissistic parent is so confident and sure of themselves, they’re very intimidating to confront even by the spouse. When children see their other parent staying with the narcissistic parent and not challenging them, it certainly makes challenging that parent even more difficult. The ones that are brave enough to challenge, should not be punished, but instead revered for sharing their feelings and being brave. They have to learn to say things in a healthy way and be given a safe place to share with a professional who can validate them away from the Narcissitic parent(s) and protect them from further ridicule, minimization or dismissal.

The Walrus, the Carpenter- Dr Craig Childress

Many years ago, I fell down the rabbit hole to here and discovered all you parents and your children trapped.

I also found a large menagerie of curious creatures surrounding you in the Wonderland of the family courts, parenting coordinators, “reunification therapists” (there’s no such thing), custody evaluators, GALs, and experts-experts-experts everywhere you look.

You can’t turn around in the Wonderland of here without bumping into an “expert.”

You were trapped in Wonderland of crazy. I had to get you back out to the real world. The creatures of Wonderland, including your “experts”, don’t want you to leave… with your money, they covet your money.

They’ll seek to hold you trapped.

We’re leaving… we’ve left.

Not one more child. We are not losing one more child. We are not losing your child… specifically. We are OUT of Wonderland.

The Red Queen of forensic psychology and the hookah smoking caterpillars of your “experts” will try to keep you from leaving.

Leave.

There is another path – a choice. Established knowledge and clinical psychology, assessment, diagnosis, and treatment.

You want a written treatment plan – google mental health treatment plans and read the top two returns – you want one of those please.

Don’t follow the Walrus and Carpenter little parental clams, or they’ll eat you for their supper and throw your empty shells away.

Walrus & the Carpenter (Childress, 2019)

https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2019/11/17/the-walrus-the-carpenter/

Craig Childress, Psy.D.

Clinical Psychologist, CA PSY 18857

drcraigchildressblog.com/2019/11/17/the-walrus-the-carpenter/

Adult Children ; Survivors of Alienation by parent

As target parents we sometimes lose sight of how hard it is for our alienated kids to reunify with us, especially when our alienated kids are adults as it seems they should be able to easily resume treating us normally. It’s important to remember that it can take super-natural bravery for our kids to reunify with us as they face so many hard and scary scenarios to reunify with us. One of the hard and scary scenarios they must face is…What to tell people about how they’re letting you back into their life when people have been thoroughly convinced that you’re too “crazy, unsafe, unstable, etc etc etc” to have a relationship with? Maybe you’ve been alienated for years to the point that you were excluded from the child’s biggest life moments such as their wedding or the birth of a child so people really are fully immersed in the lies that you’re deserving of total rejection. After all, you MUST be a monster to have not even been included in your own child’s wedding or the birth of their child. After many years of an alienation so deep with convincing lies, it can be overwhelming for the alienated adult child to think about how to explain to people why they would let you back into their life. After all, an alienated child is not going to say “Well, to be honest, my parent was never actually a bad person or did anything wrong. I was put in the position to reject them by my other parent.”

So what can or should you say if you want to reunify with your target parent but don’t know how to explain it to people. The answer is simple. As in almost everything related to reunification, saying less is more. All the adult child needs to say to people is “We’re working things out.” That’s it. “We’re working things out.” Repeat as needed. If you’re an adult child who is reunifying with your target parent and are struggling with this specific challenge, keep a few things in mind. 1) It only takes 2 seconds to say “We’re working things out.” 2 seconds. 2) When you give such a direct and firm answer, people rarely ask more questions. It’s highly unlikely that they will ask you for specifics. If they do ask you, you can say “We can talk about it later” or you can say “”We just wanted to work things out.” You’re under no obligation to anyone to explain further unless it’s someone you want to explain it to further. 3) 99.9% of people will be HAPPY for you! Their response will mostly likely be “That’s great!” because the truth is most people know that we all naturally want good relationships with both of our parents.

While it’s “simple” to make the 2 second statement of “We’re working things out,” we need to recognize that it’s still hard to do. And this is just ONE OF the reasons it’s hard for alienated adult kids to reunify with their target parent. We need to recognize the incredible courage an alienated adult child must use to reunify with their target parent. This is a bigger brave than many people can ever imagine.

Cycle Breaking

Cycle-Breaking

We come into our lives with things we want to learn and things we still need to heal from past lifetimes. We also come into families where sometimes unhealthy patterns run rampant. It has been proven in studies that trauma responses as well as inclinations towards addictions can and are passed down through DNA. They have also shown how healing ourselves helps to heal and change our own dna as well as that of those closest to us. This is called epigenetics.
Although we each come with our own life paths and missions, we can choose to heal or discontinue unhealthy patterns at any time.
Some are born cycle-breakers who have never fit in with their families. Others come to this as we age and realize that we do not truly feel happy and we begin to examine why.

  1. Once we identify a pattern that we’d like to discontinue, we must acknowledge how we have been affected by it already. There are many different issues and thought-patterns that we may have brought forward from past lives that our families have solidified for us. Even things such as over-concern with material wealth, physical beauty in the extreme, narcissism, an innate distrust of women, men, authority, certain places or the holding of family secrets can come down the line. How have we been affected by those things? How does it color our thoughts? What stories have we created around it? Are we ready to break the cycle?
  2. When we feel fully committed to ending the cycle, we can engage help. Therapists, energy practitioners, doctors, support groups are all available to help us unearth as much information as we can and help us build our confidence in ourselves and moving towards Truth. Combing through our beliefs, day-to-day thoughts, and the WHY behind our distrust and our fear will help us understand our parts as well as what behaviors were learned or given to us through dna. Maybe some behaviors or beliefs were coping mechanisms. It’s time to examine our decisions and maybe make some new choices.
  3. This is where we take serious action. We could tell the truth to end the secret keeping. Maybe we need to break ties with unhealthy or abusive people. We could stop using alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, and/or food as a way of coping. We could probably benefit from better boundaries and acknowledging the ego games we are engaged in and WHY. This is meaningful, profound work. Expect tears. And a feeling of intense freedom.
  4. Our behaviors will change as our thoughts and beliefs change.
    Others will notice. They may choose to grow with us, or they may hold tighter to the things we are letting go of. It is up to us if we choose to stay in relationships with anyone, ever. Growing and ending cycles can feel lonely. As we let others go, we make room for healthier relationships in our lives.
  5. Animosity does not need to be a part of any of this. We are working on ourselves to end the cycles that we have been in. Boundaries can feel hard at first, until we see how much better we feel when we make better choices for ourselves.
  6. The thing about cycle-breaking is that it in itself is a cycle. We are on a spiral upwards and we can, if we choose, continue to notice what is unhealthy and move towards healing at all times.

Here’s to FEELING, DEALING AND HEALING in every possible way. The crap can stop with us, and our well-being and work towards it can change the color of our skies, not only for us, but for those whose lives we affect as well. ❤
-Nicki

Child Psychological Abuse , Childress

Stop using “parental alienation” in a professional capacity, it will only lead you to your destruction. Use Child Psychological Abuse instead.

“I am concerned the other parent is psychologically abusing our child. I am concerned that the other parent has formed a shared persecutory delusion with my child targeting me, that is destroying my child’s attachment bond to me… as described in these quotes from Walters & Friedlander.

From Walters & Friedlander: “In some RRD families [resist-refuse dynamic], a parent’s underlying encapsulated delusion about the other parent is at the root of the intractability (cf. Johnston & Campbell, 1988, p. 53ff; Childress, 2013). An encapsulated delusion is a fixed, circumscribed belief that persists over time and is not altered by evidence of the inaccuracy of the belief.” (Walters & Friedlander, 2016, p. 426)

From Walters & Friedlander: “When alienation is the predominant factor in the RRD [resist-refuse dynamic}, the theme of the favored parent’s fixed delusion often is that the rejected parent is sexually, physically, and/or emotionally abusing the child. The child may come to share the parent’s encapsulated delusion and to regard the beliefs as his/her own (cf. Childress, 2013).” (Walters & Friedlander, 2016, p. 426)

Walters, M. G., & Friedlander, S. (2016). When a child rejects a parent: Working with the intractable resist/refuse dynamic. Family Court Review, 54(3), 424–445. 

“I’d like a risk assessment for possible Child Psychological Abuse surrounding a possible shared persecutory delusion of the other parent with the child.”

Craig Childress, Psy.D.

Clinical Psychologist, CA PSY 18857

Gabby’s parents file for 50 Million

Gabby’s death and the deaths of millions of women ; many of color are taken after not being heard by those who should protect and serve .

Training is needed because as horrific as this is , boys , men are abused and murdered but at no point confide nor heal those abuses and it’s time to address this for ALL in ways that does not support abuses and the awareness to know the difference . A plan B to ensure no one gets by with such abuses as Gabby and many more have given their lives for …

It’s time for change in intimate partner violence

It’s time to expose the harm done when parents support illegal acts , who ignore the signs etc

Win Win weather the $50 million is actualized because it’s wayyyy past time for change in this area of Law Enforcement .

EDUCATION

FACTS

www.accessonline.com/videos/gabby-petitos-family-will-file-50-million-wrongful-death-lawsuit-against-utah-police

Cravings by KD Lang

We are a nation of addicts by

grand design , lulled to sleep

under educated and fed untruths

And lies

I’m a truther and that’s cost me

the peace in life that has taught

me well.

Discoveries of ancestral shadow, and light .

Points to the horrible facts

that my paternal grandfather

had many addictions and was

highly abusive to my grandmother and their kids

He grew corn , fields of corn

He had boxes of cash in high

currencies.

He pushed Granny Zola , causing her to fall and loose their son David .

He won in a divorce , accusing her of cheating

She was seen in a public place having coffee with a man

Her parents gave them 120 acres . She got nothing .

She left with the cloths on her back , Running for her life .

She was divorced in 1953. He prevailed .

The children of tender years were placed with relatives.

Her Mom died in 1953 .

She struggled for the rest of her life , various rentals etc

She was given Valium to aide her her loss , shame and awareness of the injustice .

She had 5 sons and 2 daughters

She came from at least 5 daughters and 2 sons .

She was the most loving human being on this planet !

I know I have cleared the blood lines , experiencing much of Minnie Zola’s trauma and am honored to have been in the presence of GreatGrandmother , Grandmother , in the spring of 1952 . Great Grandmother was in her heavy coat with a scarf on her head . As her 1st grandchild , by Dad I sense it was determined that day that I could and would end the shadow abuses and expose the forced addictions after living a nightmare , having that abuse supported by family , friends and church .

Dad had a very low tolerance for alcoholism and drank very little . I know he threw out Moms brother who showed up at out home after I was 12 or so.

An incident when I was younger of their being out dancing and a passionate disagreement occurred and Mom threw her rings into a patch of grass or a field . She took us back to the scene and I found it for her . I don’t recall their dancing and Honkey Tonkin after that .

Both parents smoked and that was addiction but I inherited Dad’s intolerance for alcohol but failed to be aware of mask and secret manipulation as I was triangles which was an early childhood awareness ; Mom was guarded and competitive with out cause . She did not understand the bond between Dad and I and it felt like a hole in my heart . I spoke the truth early on and got her in hot water with Dad whom she told she had quit smoking .

Emotional Partners ; not a healthy role for a child . As a medicated trauma and abuse victim I did the same injustice to our eldest child as did his Dad . Our son caught a lot of abuse due to his love for me .

I am proud to have gotten off the ” junk” RX and whole matrix of addiction legally that destroys lives or ends them .

However there was and is a lot of fallout and damage done and healing for our sons .

I have not been in the mindset to repeat any of the past and pushed through forced addictions and of feeling bound to someone who doesn’t stand beside me with an arm on my back , instead of a sword .

I’m addicted to the peace that my heart has always been a longing and my place in this world .

Recent challenges did not reverse my direction , my life long intent .

For this last major test I am grateful that so much was exposed and Krystal has helped release even more trauma which I was much better at , than times past .

Assured that I am not addicted in mind , body or spirit .

Blessings & Peace

Dona Luna🙏❤️😘🎉

youtube.com/watch

Dads Matter

To all you psychotic alienating moms out there who make YOUR kids

“Your World”

And who use YOUR

“Mini Me’s”

as a wallet, cause your

“Just a single mom doing her best”

You are psychologically enmeshed with YOUR children. YOUR kids will never understand how to create healthy boundaries and will suffer in every aspect of their lives because of the psychopathy YOU taught them.

WE ARE COMING FOR YOU.

To all you Dads. DON’T GIVE UP.

I was an alienated child. There are millions of us. We don’t appreciate being robbed of the other half of who we are. We need you. Don’t leave us behind. I didn’t have the words to tell my dad. I didn’t know that going with moms flow for my own sanity, was harming me more.

I didn’t know.

I was just a kid.

I didn’t know how much of me was him.

I didn’t know, when I told him I didn’t want to go, that I was ripping his heart from his chest and sealing his fate.

I didn’t know.

But, now I’m grown and I know better.

It’s just too bad it’s too late.

We’ve lost in court too many times to count. We’re broke and heartbroken.

He is defeated.

I am not.

I got my dad on my shoulder and a lifetime of memories without him to motivate me. All I have right now are these flyer’s.

I plastered the kids street, so

THEY KNOW

HCBM’s family is next, cause they are coconspirators and enable more generational trauma. When school and little league start, the flyers will be there too. I will create awareness where I can, because if it’s not happening to you, you just

don’t know.