It was a heavy burden , holding the manifestations
of a definite lack of all natural emotions. Empathy
was so lacking , I was often triggered .
As the anniversary of our eldest’s birth is celebrated
by child and family , I am holding space , and allowing
to feel what is ..
The harshest experience followed 6 days after delivery .
Apparently marking his territory, after nursing
and joining him in bed , I was raped .
Through my pain, my compliance necessary
for safety .
My 1st fear was of another pregnancy .
My 2nd was my awareness , that I would not
finically be able to care for our new born, and
he was too ” married ” to his social status and his
money.
It was the 2nd time in marriage that he forced
sex , and later in therapy these rapes were dismissed.
It was difficult to understand , but he had a free
pass kinda life …Parents and money always got
him out of trouble ; his network included
Sports Car Club members , as well as groups I was
not aware of until 2007.
Shadow was his normal, laughter induced by alcohol
and in the 11 th year , in my breakthrough-breakdown
I accepted the abuse , returned from a hellish 17
days away from our children , determined to
shine my mother light , but became the wife
he wanted ..forsaking our sons .
Stepford ” wife” thus addicted to RX drugs legally,
sick beyond belief , for 5 extremely long years
I was so incapable , so reduced mentally and
physically , I often witnessed his dispassionate
disposal , horrified at the model for our children ,
all teens , each bearing the shame of his abuse.
And dependent as I was , on this man who grows
worse with time.
With the ending of what appeared for all to see,
his perfect fun relationship with a sweetie he
duped for 20 years , recreating the same karma
and with her reduced health , unable to work
she also knew the disposal of a man who values
only your output as it applies to him.
Think about boys who model this accepted ,
into manhood , affluent and connected , who
have a very shaky foundation , induced into
joining Dad , or loose his approval and connection.
It happened …
His compassion has allowed him to create many
illegal , inhumanities that have been absolved
by our state . By our society , by friends , and
family .
His .
That said , in his belief he would not be held
responsible for anything denies the facts .
It’s really been traumatic to fully accept his
disconnected self , over 42 years now ,
given the to god long ago.
I understand I am his target in his mind ,
and his every failure in 1 person , for several
reasons. Certainly it’s about money , however
his detachment spiritually , bonding with our
children , parenting being uber casual made
me the heavy. Responsible for every failure
in his victim status ..
Winner takes all , gravely abuses families
in the brother sister hood that ignored abusers .
And yes , lack of compassion is common in
securing legal support , psychological , medical
support , because it’s painfully traumatic to hear
the horror stories of C-PTSD , who’ve been duped
into believing they are mentally ill, induced into
mental physical states that render them
incapacitated, that they may be yet further
disadvantaged by their abuser .
Compassion ? Even basic humanity , is only
for show. Our sons have never witnessed his
abuse towards me ..only his dramatic lies
twisted , mangled lies in Family for 42 years .
Destroying all but him, a family fractured
for his happiness and ability to begin again
virginal , a path of abused and neglected souls
left in his return to mother .
Always mother who holds his heart, and compassion
and calm. Anger , rage and abuses never allowed
towards her , are missives to his beloved’s .
Holding these beliefs are his choice as not being
a silent scape goat is mine . In light of the
personal experience being far too common ,
and normalized in this country , acknowledging
the existence of the characteristics of a person
who does so much harm , will know universal
law , where human kind has become law.
The Narcissist’s Defining Feature: A Lack of Empathy – Esteemology
— Read on esteemology.com/the-narcissists-defining-feature-a-lack-of-empathy/
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