This song when current , was true and to the
degree that our marriage had never been
and was never going to be healthy .
How could he know me , as I had to know
why his hatred towards me ran so deep
as to withhold himself.
The rabbit hole was far deeper and darker
than any nightmare I had in my life .
Including my brief drug experimentation
illegally . I did not realized the many
inducted dis-eases with addictive “side effects”.
I have come to realize that both Grandmothers
had adverse side effects , of Valium, the mother
of Xanax to which I subsumed.
I do not know my Mother’s drug regimens due
to my own induced addiction state of hell.
There was much grief , shame and anger
as I healed , in being unavailable in these
passages that are often vulgar displays of
the lowest of vibrating energy . Former showed
up flanked my his parents in 99 when Mom
exited . Flagrantly showing his love , outside
our home , openly before , I was to discover
I saw the as a Christian’s , affirmation.
I was not allowed to participate when his
Dad exited, and have not been abled to
locate a grave site . A Beloved nephew , who
exited be for him , catalyzed his decline ,
his addiction to Paxil , which he handed out
to anyone who wanted to be happy , and
his fat laden diet aided in an aneurism
in a kidney .
( * my understanding of what was told to me
may or not be true.)
No lawsuit was chosen , a million dollar bill
for hospital care , (1 year) , and his being
kept alive by sheer will.
Her diet attempts , saw him run an errand
after dinner for a fast food burger 🍔!
A kindly man , he stayed in the flow , Docile
Domestication .
So I had no idea of the trauma and rages
exhibited without warning , that sadly
have no end toward me. Nor with the
most recent supply that escaped near dead …
There was nothing in shallow Hal, that
is missable , grieves me, shame me ,
haunts me, angers me , or I can attach love
to. The years , decades long of concern
for his soul growth, long acknowledged,
accepted , and surrendered him to Divine.
He certainly deserves the healing , and
I expect his continue supported effort at
protecting himself financially , and skimming
self healing .. socially acceptable.
Of all I know change has adverse effects on
him, until all’s in perfect order . Perfect doesn’t
exist .
I found myself actualizing a mirror , when
raging , in privacy in my home , alone
by saying the words , I could not say one
on one , and I scared myself ! Not yet grasping
how much I had mirrored former , my inner
child , so much rage induced by trauma
unhealed , unacknowledged , fired up
by prescription medications .
My left arm throbbed enough to signal
backing down , getting chiller .
Buddhism helped, and yet I allowed
myself to be triggered and responding
in trauma induced situations , until
my edification of Domestic Abuse / Child
Abuse , PharmaAbuse Legal Abuse ,
Medical Abuse , in a culture of suicide
are .
I tried then to be more aware , less toxic , and
kinder to myself .
I am considering carrying a hand mirror to
energy vampires , gone mad , as was my recent
attack by a busy man in a parking lot .
Bam , here see what I see?
Not your best choice.
Suicide rates , and violence escalates in
such transitional, times as we now find
our world in. No New World Order , No
End Days as many are signaling.
Heaven is pulling to Earth ,Earth is pulling
Heaven that will require change .
I exit the matrix of lack , and own my
light of love ❤️, that will never , ever feel
unworthy or unloved or alone .
©️
Blessings & Peace .
Doña Luna
Simply Red – Holding On
