GreatCosmicMothersUnite

WITH OPEN EYES

You will lose everything. Your money, your power,

your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories.

Your looks will diminish. Loved ones will die.

Your body will fall apart. Everything that seems permanent

is in truth impermanent and will be smashed.

Experience will gradually, or not so gradually,

strip away everything that it can strip away.

Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes.

But right Now, in this very moment,

You stand on Sacred and Holy ground,

for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and

realising this Simple thing is the key to unspeakable joy.

Whoever or whatever is in your life right now

has not yet been taken away from you.

Everything is present.

The universal law of Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and

significant and worthy of your heart-breaking gratitude.

Loss has already

transfigured your life

into an altar.

– Jeff Foster ❤

Being raised by an emotional predator makes childhood equivalent to a war zone; a word, an accident, a false interpretation, breathing wrong can cause the toxic parent to go off like a bomb leaving a child feeling fearful of their very life. Leaving that dysfunctional, abusive environment represents an indescribable freedom. Sadly however, many that were raised by narcissistic, sociopathic or simply toxic parents wind up recreating their unresolved childhood wounds in the realm of a romantic relationship.

When a child is taught that love is synonymous with manipulation, and without the proper knowledge as to what happened in childhood and who was rightfully to blame, that child, now adult, reenacts manipulation. Depending on their trauma response as children (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) they will either be attracted to people pleasers and imitate blindly the way they were treated, or they will use how they were treated as what NOT to do – but…. often find themselves in relationships with others that treat them exactly how their abusive parent treated them – if not worse.

Often, it’s at this point in a person’s life that they seek help – therapy, life coaching, counseling, etc. A healing journey begins, after googling traits they stumble upon the word narcissist and their search creates a lightbulb effect – suddenly life makes sense, they are not crazy, it was not their fault, they have been abused!! So many spend years, decades in toxic relationships without even realizing they are in abusive relationships – especially with covert abusers who have two personalities – the one they show others, and the one that tortures their family behind closed doors.

The road to recovery takes time, is not linear, rather feels like a one step forward two steps back kind of travel. But little by little victims of narcissistic abuse come back into their skin, they shed the meshed personality of the abuser and finally get in touch with who they truly are at the core.

Everything so far seems so much better, life is so much clearer, we feel so much more in control of who we are rather than feeling like someone is pulling our strings, like a puppet, with the goal of bringing out the worst in us. But…… sometimes it’s only when we are further down on our own journey to heal that we begin to see the damage that was done to the children living in that toxic environment.

There is much debate whether narcissism is genetic or learned; personally I think each child has their own genetic make up and one child’s genetic make up could make them more predisposed to narcissistic behavior – especially children who have a strong fight response, however I genuinely feel environment can either assist in that child’s narcissistic traits or prevent them from ever taking shape. I liken it to cancer cells, we all have them, but they often only turn on when environmental factors assist – such as a persons diet, smoking, stress, etc.

The reality is that some that were victims of narcissistic abuse will leave one nightmare and find themselves in another, even more excruciatingly painful situation – when their child has become the narcissist. In my face to face coaching I have spoken with many beautiful, resilient, compassionate and loving parents who found themselves in this situation.

As a parent I know how deeply the pain of losing a child to narcissism can be – it’s almost as painful as losing them in death, if not more so; in death a child is gone physically, with narcissism a child is gone emotionally – an experience of truly living through death. For that reason I wanted to give some encouragement to those that are in this situation as well as some tips that can help.

1) DO NOT DROWN YOURSELF IN BLAME:

It’s easy to blame ourselves, to find fault within, to be angry with ourselves for not knowing sooner, for not being able to prevent this. But the truth is, as a parent you yourself were a victim as well, blinded by psychological manipulation and confused due to the never ending gaslighting. Without your mental faculties working properly due to abuse, it was impossible to help anyone else – in fact a victim of narcissistic abuse is hanging by a thin strand to sanity. Knowing this does not take away the pain, but it does help ease it a little. If we could all go back and change the past – we would, but marinating on our mistakes only does us harm and helps no one. Be compassionate and understanding with yourself.

2) FOCUS ON THE PRESENT:

It’s never too late to live in a healthy environment. One of the most powerful ways we can help our children, no matter what age they are, is by our example. Some victims make the mistake of trying to show their children fault in the other toxic parent. Just as trying to expose truth to flying monkeys never works, just as trying to reveal truth during a smear campaign never yields good results, trying to point our the other parents mistakes often pushes children to side with the other parent as the “poor victim that’s being badmouthed.” So, the most powerful way to expose truth is revealing what healthy behavior is on a daily basis. If you want your children to be happy, give them the example of what happiness looks like – strengthen the joy within you. If you want children to respect boundaries – make sure that you exhibit strong boundaries and enforce them calmly yet firmly. If you want your children to talk as opposed to yell when making a point, give the example – talk calmly, peacefully – if they raise their voice let them know that you will continue the conversation only if they lower their voice – enforce your boundaries consistently. Many adult children of narcissists DO NOT have NPD, which means they CAN unlearn narcissistic behaviors that they soaked up as children but words will not help nearly as much as your example!!! And for those that do have NPD, by living in accord with you values, morals and self love you can learn to allow yourself to be happy in life and exercise healthy boundaries with those you love who may be dealing with narcissism.

3) BOUNDARIES ARE OUR FRIENDS:

When you’ve grown up with no boundaries and had a relationship as an adult with no boundaries, enforcing boundaries as a parent is foreign, sometimes it even creates intense feelings of guilt. This guilt is often an emotioanl flashback from when we, as children, tried to have boundaries and they were slammed down causing us to suffer emotional distress; our brain then associated boundaries with that distress and we learned to live trying to avoid that distress. We came to view boundaries as the bad guy – and giving in as love and acceptance. But when we give in and have no boundaries, we are unable to teach people how to treat us in a healthy manner. Boundaries are vital if one of your children has been affected with narcissism, an adult child of narcissism who now exhibits those same characteristics has the capacity to learn to respect boundaries – they may not like them, they may try at every chance to see if they can guilt you into bending them, but if you are consistent, kind yet firm…. you can have healthy boundaries even with an adult child that’s narcissistic – unless of course that child refuses to have a relationship with you due to your boundaries – that would be a sad turn of events however, that is how we exercise self love and self respect and teach others to show us the same – those unable to love and/or respect us will leave, but that’s their choice and not due to any lacking of parental love. Loving your children is not synonymous with allowing them to abuse.

4) TAKE TIME TO DO WHAT YOU LOVE:

So many parents that grew up in unhealthy enviornments, only to marry into a smiliar enviornment – spent decades trying to please everyone but themselves. Pouring themselves out, they give and give until one day they feel hollow inside. I encourage you to take time to connect with your passions, to spend time not only existing – but living and appreciating every day of life. There are things that are out of our control – we are not responsible for other people’s feelings and actions – it’s hard to let go of that control, it’s hard to let go of hope – which is why it’s best to hope that one day they wake up and see what’s really going on, but as you hold onto that hope – keep living….keep loving…others and especially yourself!!!

✦ A sense of superiority places them above others

✦ Must be the center of attention, constantly seeking approval, acknowledgment, kudos, accolades, praise

✦ Act like they are the lead character in all things in life

✦ Dominate conversations because they believe they have the only worthwhile things to say

✦ Want others to give into their demands, request for favors, and put their needs first

✦ Have inflated egos, inflated sense of entitlement, inflated sense of importance, inflated need to be center stage

✦ Envious of other people’s accomplishments and will steal, lie, or sabotage others to get attention back to them

✦ Envious of other people’s possessions, they will put such ownership down or minimize it to make themselves look more noble

✦ Search for constant approval and praise to reinforce their false grandiose sense of self, they’re “on- stage,” dominating the conversation, often exaggerating their importance

✦ (Since the self is so fragile — an ever crumbling construction of their ego) — use power, money, status, looks, supposed past glories (or supposed future glories) to boost their image

✦ See criticism as baseless attacks or betrayal and countered with cold-shoulder anger or rage or chilly stares or verbal attack.

✦ Can never accept blame. Others are always to blame.

✦ Feel being center of attention is good, right, and proper

✦ Have a grandiose sense of self-importance

✦ Think they are special, God-touched, or privileged

✦ Think they can only be understood by other special or high-status people

✦ Have unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment

✦ Believe they are beyond the rules. Laws do not apply to them and remorse is only felt when someone catches and confronts them.

“However they are upset over any inconveniences they suffer as a result of being busted. They believe they have the right to do what ever it takes to get short term gratification without suffering any consequences.” ~Lynne Namka

TYPICAL WAYS OPERATING OR REACTIONS (blaming, drama storms, etc.)

✦ High maintenance because they need your attention, praise, and deference

✦ Fake sweetness, honor, and good intentions, but deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true selves.

✦ Express grand, exciting plans, but rarely can make them happen

✦ Blame others rather than take personal responsibility

✦ Lack of empathy colors everything they do.

✦ May say, “How are you?” when you meet, but they are not interested

✦ Their blame-shifting creates defensiveness. Then they belittle the defensiveness: “Why are you so angry?”

✦ Since they shift blame so well & seamlessly, your guilt/insecurity issues stay raw and over-sensitive.

✦ Lend you a hand up, then subtlety cut off at the knees to keep you indebted & coming back.

Need some Narcissist Kryptonite?

The Narcissist — A User’s Guide

✦ If you point out an error they made, they go into defensive mode counter any such notion with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, or withdraw

✦ Give you a metaphorical rug & then keep pulling it out from under you

✦ They are: blowhards, braggarts, blusterers, brow-beaters, bullies, big-headed, and ultimately bogus.

✦ Help you gain certain skills/info/connections, but then forever make you feel beholden to them.

✦ Extremely skilled at making anyone under their influence crave their approval.

✦ Make you feel special & then emotional distance themselves in ways that keep you unsure of yourself.

✦ Use a judgmental “you’re OK”/”you’re not OK” yo-yoing to keep you off-balance & “blameworthy.”

✦ Groom people via manipulation (charm/rage combo) to sell their reality/rationalizations to others.

✦ Virtually all of their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others, people they know and perhaps think of as an authority.

✦ Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversations of others.

✦ Expect others to do mundane things, since they feel too important to do them

✦ Constantly use of “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk.

✦ Very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, for example.

✦ Lie, using subterfuge and deception as tools

✦ Are stuck in one level of maturity where growth is not an option

✦ Only have eyes for “me, myself, and I” instead of “we”

✦ Don’t understand empathy, except to fake it as a tool

✦ Play “Give to get” by being nice or helpful only to expect reciprocation

✦ Put on the air of “having it all together” and will not readily admit failure or weakness

✦ Jump to defensive mode readily and frequently

✦ May apologize, but it doesn’t mean a real change in behavior

✦ Run from their own problems rather than tackling them

✦ Demand your trust rather than being transparent and earning it

✦ See you as extensions of themselves and resist your freedom

✦ Create stories, euphemisms, sayings, definitions, rules they hold up as Truth. Their world is false.

✦ Must talk about themselves & be in control. They want you to just be an ego-stroking entity for them.

✦ Find personality weaknesses & exploit them as easily as you & I ride a bicycle.

✦ Will rarely listen to or respect your “No”

✦ Take advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

✦ Appear tough-minded or unemotional

✦ React to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others

✦ Fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings

✦ Exaggerate achievements, personal history or talents

✦ Are unpredictable in mood and behavior

✦ Become aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, or withdraws when threatened

✦ Can vocalize regret for a short time when found out, but soon rationalizes it away

✦ Appearance is important, so primping or fastidiousness is common

✦ Withdraw or a cold shoulder is used as a tool to make you do what they want

✦ Rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top

✦ Will steal an idea, quote, lesson plan, piece of wisdom — call it their own

✦ Groom underlings and create organizational or business environments to suit their need for ego stroking

“Crazymakers thrive on drama, and melodrama requires a sense of impending doom. Everything is an emergency, a deadline, a matter of life and death, or something they will get to eventually. Read ‘never’ … Nearly any situation can be cast as melodrama to support a crazymaker’s plot lines …

“A crazymaker is someone who makes you crazy by constantly stirring up storms.

“‘Normal’ doesn’t serve their need for power.

“Everything is always their problem, but nothing is their fault.”

SOURCE: “The Artist’s Way at Work – Riding the Dragon. Twelve Weeks to Creative Freedom” by Mark Bryan, with Julia Cameron and Catherine Allen

WORKPLACE NARCISSISTS

✦ Create Employment Hemorrhage — narcissists drive people away with inconsistent, raging, and arrogant actions.

✦ Tend to be a lot of talk — fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness

✦ Can suck up to bosses while talking down to those they think inferior

✦ Expect others to go along with them because their plans are better or special

✦ Expect constant praise and attention

✦ When work or plans fail, will blame others and make it sound plausible

✦ Will take advantage of co-workers

✦ Will be jealous of others’ success but wear a face of confidence

✦ Play the “If you don’t like it I’m taking my ball and going home” game

✦ Exaggerate abilities and uses blame-shifting to cover deficits

✦ Can’t understand “There is no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’.”

✦ Often argumentative, but arguments are convoluted, emotional, irrational

The following tips on narcissistic behavior come from The Winning Teams website:

✦ They feel that the rules at work don’t apply to them.

✦ They will always cheat whenever they think they can get away with it.

✦ If you share workload with them, expect to do the lion’s share yourself.

✦ They love to delegate work or projects and then interfere by micro-managing things

✦ If things go well, they take the credit; if the work turns out badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.

✦ There tend to be higher levels of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.

✦ They get impatient and restless when the topic of discussion is about someone else, and not about them.

Need some Narcissist Kryptonite?

The Narcissist — A User’s Guide

MUST BE RIGHT ATTITUDE

✦ Value religiosity’s rules or business protocol over spiritual growth.

✦ Take pride in their own righteousness and rightness.

✦ Attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs.

✦ Can’t believe they make mistakes.

✦ Have an inability to feel or process or truly understand shame.

MANIPULATIVE

✦ Create scenarios to discover your weakness or fears to manipulate later.

✦ Don’t use language as communication. It’s for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating.

✦ Their charm is false. Contradict them a few times & you’ll feel their out-of-proportion narcissistic rage.

✦ Their conversations & interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, & create drama.

✦ Are black holes, working to get time, money, or talent from you.

✦ Expect you to lend a listening ear and give votes of approval.

✦ Use emotional withdraw to create guilt and compliance.

✦ Will use the parental or child role to get what they want.

✦ Will betray secrets to feel more powerful.

✦ Can use flattery or sickly-sweet protests of innocence like a stealth weapon.

✦ Use verbal skills to block or deflect being confronted.

✦ Impact our lives negatively despite appearing to have some positive effect.

NARCISSISTS’ SUBCONSCIOUS FALSE EGO

✦ Their subconscious creates a false ego from which to relate to the world. They are their own avatar!

✦ Subconsciously real relationships don’t exist for them. We’re all just players on the narcissists stage.

✦ Their sole subconscious pursuit is to be seen as God’s gift to the world in a certain area or skill set.

✦ Early emotional trauma freezes their worldview at that age, making them immature, impatient, inconsiderate.