Having had lots of experience and time to study this, and heal my own wounds , and I’m over siblings bringing their need to be mothered and project blame , without healthy boundaries or reciprocation.
Mom exited in 99, as I was in the flow of induced mental illness , aware of the abuses, but unable to attend to her as I would have preferred …Certainly , I have forgiven her for our fails , for her silence held so much shame and guilt, as her life force ebbed , I knew life would never be the same , without her…I try not to live in what ifs and I Bless that she endured so much pain , and deserved better care from the hospital Corp she worked for as an LPN.
She seemed to think I was a good Mom, she never fostered ideas on child rearing to me, for I was utilized to tend to younger siblings , with little more than instinct .I was her confidant , or emotional partner off and on, for tge communication with Dad would get off flow, from time to time and she couldn’t discuss her feelings with him , she trusted me to do so.. And so did he ….
Spiritually we connect from time to time , and I’m aware that she aided her 1st born through the portal …all is well with my soul .
For her silent suffering , her experiences with AMA and Big Pharma , like each Grandmother is part of the force behind my efforts ♥.
Mom loved Christmas and also found her voice in my house when a family member by marriage tried to ruin our day…and she was powerful .
I do miss her at this time, and connect easier , as I recall her vast preparation for the feast she presented for us with so much love 💘.
Trying to know her as a person, seeing her as a 3 year old and her family dynamics as well as her trauma , shame , and guilt has helped me greatly not to over personalize or hold on to the failures, which were beyond her knowing , at that time.. She is very proud of me for my efforts to heal generations of family abuses and trauma.