Tag: relationships

Trauma & Betrayal

Because of their lack of empathy, a narcissist cannot really love you.

When they first meet you, they can and do become infatuated. But it’s not with you as a person. It’s the unrealistic fantasy they form that you see them as flawless. This is why the love-bombing period is so intense (in most cases).

However, they simply cannot maintain this charade forever. Love bombing is initially fun for the narcissist, but it eventually becomes draining and an annoyance to them.

This is not only when you begin to see their true colors start to peek through, but also when they begin to see that you’re a regular human and not the Peter Pan story character they made up in their mind.

They recognize that you’re beginning to understand that something isn’t quite right and this is when you fall from grace and the devaluation begins.

When it’s all said and done, narcissists know of only one way to keep people entangled with them and it’s through trauma and betrayal.

Repeated trauma and betrayal carried out by the narcissist strengthens insecure attachments and abandonment wounds (often borne through the narcissist) guaranteeing you will feel jealous, needy, and worried all the time, perpetually seeking reassurance and validation from the narcissist – the very person who will never give you either of those things.

Stop trying to have a heart-to-heart with the narcissist in order to get them to understand your point of view or discuss the ever-elusive resolutions to your relationship problems.

Narcissists don’t want to solve problems because that’s how they keep you hooked.

They can’t comprehend that you have willingly given your love and forgiveness to them because you care for them. This explains why nothing you do is ever good enough.

To the narcissist, compatibility means that you have learned their love language and are engaging with it.

And the longer you stay with them, the more they believe this to be true.

Kim

Grief

Imagine a reduced capacity to grasp what’s reality and what’s not , medicated by psychiatry into this state and your partner splits and 2 weeks later eldest child and knowing the preparation was being made to strip you of everything you held dear so he can begin a happy life

Not one Drs appointment did he attend. He did make a few phone calls to Dr

Mom nearing her death ( April; he split Dec 27) and spewed his tale of victim hood . He was too busy being happy to have quality time with children so he continued to throw money at em

When you lose someone…

all of a sudden you have no choice but to live in a world you don’t recognize.

It feels dark even when it’s daylight.

Lonely even when you are surrounded by people.

Only existing. Unsure of your identity now.

You can see life going on right in front of you.

You even try to reach out and touch that world. But you aren’t able to. Yet.

People out there are just living their mundane lives and seem to not have a care in the world. You sometimes try to live in that world too. This involves fake smiles and pretend interest in small talk. It’s exhausting. So you choose to isolate instead.

It would be nice to switch places with them. And not have your loss constantly replaying in your mind. All those anxious thoughts ruminating.

It’s a rude awakening when everyone just keeps moving. Laughing. Making plans. While you are suspended in time.

Just going through the motions. With a pain so deep that you can’t even exactly pinpoint where it is coming from.

Invisible to others. But it’s there. And it always hurts.

People will say “they are always with you”.

But where? It feels so long since you have heard their voice. You almost feel like you have been abandoned to roam this unrecognizable world alone. And on the other end, feel guilty for trying to move forward without them.

Loss is this way. A big ball of tangled up feelings. And it takes as long as it takes to move through these confusing emotions. It takes patience. Lots of self care and being kind to yourself.

Because grief is lonely journey when you are the only one who truly understands how this particular loss feels.

The After Glow

Relationships : An Uncommon Bond

I have experienced a “ casual” marriage to a very secretive, abusive and neglectful and toxic man at war with himself ; wearing a mask as much as possible .

I’m not afraid but definitely have done the work and growth that prohibits anything

that’s not in my best and highest good .

Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first. Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives- they have another path and purpose to walk first. Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love’s leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe. Sometimes they know something we don’t- they know their limits at that moment in time. Real love is no easy path- readiness is everything. May we grieve loss without personalizing it. May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover. ~Jeff Brown

(Book: An Uncommon Bond https://amzn.to/3Y0ax0v)