Best for the child ; parent it’s not about you

Many people preach the nuclear family staying together because they say it’s in the child’s best interest—no matter what.

They say divorce ruins kids.

They say single-parent homes are broken.

They speak with the eyes of judgment and the mouth of tradition—

as if staying together at all costs is the only version of love worth respecting.

But that mindset is dangerous.

Because it doesn’t consider the full picture.

It values structure over safety.

It protects the idea of family—

not the people inside it.

They’ll say:

“Two parents are better than one.”

“Kids need their mom and dad under the same roof.”

“You should’ve tried harder. Gotten counseling. Stayed together for the kids.”

And if you tell them, “My parents divorced and it was the best thing for me”—

they’ll say, “That’s not what you needed.”

As if they know more about your lived experience than you do.

As if your peace is irrelevant if it doesn’t fit their narrative.

But here’s what they don’t want to acknowledge:

Sometimes the family structure you’re trying so hard to preserve… is the very thing doing the damage.

A broken home isn’t defined by how many parents are in it.

It’s defined by what’s happening inside.

A broken home is constant tension, silent treatments, emotional manipulation, slamming doors, and withheld affection.

It’s walking on eggshells.

It’s a child becoming the emotional referee—or worse, the emotional sponge.

It’s two people who clearly should’ve separated but stayed out of guilt, fear, or pressure.

And from the outside?

Everything might look picture-perfect.

There are smiles in public.

Matching holiday outfits.

Social media posts that say “blessed.”

But inside, it’s performative.

Everyone plays a role.

Because if one person drops the act, someone pays for it.

That’s not a home.

That’s a stage.

And the performance is built on fear and image management.

Sometimes the pain isn’t just emotional.

Kids may not witness the violence directly—but they see the bruises.

They see the tears.

They feel the tension.

And sometimes, they do see it.

Sometimes, they even become the targets themselves.

And in the worst-case scenarios, it becomes fatal—not just for children, but for everyone involved.

But people will still say,

“At least the parents stayed together.”

As if proximity is more important than protection.

As if the illusion of unity matters more than the safety of everyone inside that home.

They say things like:

“That’s just what relationships are.”

“Marriage means working through hard seasons.”

“You don’t just leave because it gets tough.”

They call it loyalty.

They call it commitment.

But what they’re really asking is that you sacrifice your peace, your safety, and your sanity—just to protect an illusion.

Let’s be clear:

There’s a difference between working through a rough patch and living in a war zone.

If there’s something worth saving—go to therapy.

Fight for it.

Let your kids see what healing looks like.

But if it stays toxic?

Let them see what self-respect looks like too.

Because staying in something that causes constant pain isn’t love.

It’s slow self-destruction.

Some people think divorce is a failure.

But what they never talk about is what happens when you stay and it slowly breaks everyone inside.

Choosing to let go isn’t giving up.

It’s deciding to stop dragging your kids—and yourself—through pain that never ends.

Yes, there are times when letting go is the right call.

But only if you’re doing it for peace, not punishment.

Only if you’re ending the pain, not repackaging it.

Only if your kids remain the focus—not your anger, not your bitterness, and not your pride.

Because when divorce is handled with maturity and mutual respect,

it’s not a failure.

It’s growth.

It’s the moment two people realize the healthiest thing they can do

is stop hurting each other—

and start healing separately,

so their children don’t grow up thinking love looks like pain.

Sometimes, two people weren’t meant to spend a lifetime together.

Sometimes, the only purpose they served in each other’s lives was to bring a child into the world.

But when they choose peace over chaos,

when they co-parent with respect—

that’s not failure.

That’s strength.

That child gets to have both parents in their life—without absorbing the tension that used to live between them.

They get to see that love doesn’t always mean staying.

And endings don’t always mean absence.

In the best cases, they even gain a bonus parent—because mom or dad finds someone new

who brings more love, not more stress.

And even when distance exists, technology closes the gap.

Being a good parent isn’t about living in the same house.

It’s about showing up, being consistent, and being present in the moments that matter.

Children don’t need their parents to be romantically connected.

They need support.

They need stability.

They need to know they are safe, understood, and loved—by both.

And let’s not forget the single parents—

the ones who never planned to do it alone…

but do it anyway.

Some are single because the other person didn’t want to be a parent.

Some walked away from abuse, addiction, or emotional chaos.

And some didn’t walk away at all—

life made the decision for them

when the other parent passed away.

No matter how it happened,

they didn’t choose to carry the load alone—

but they carry it anyway.

They work long hours,

juggle multiple jobs,

miss sleep,

and skip meals—

just to hold their household together.

They’re the ride to school,

the homework help,

the late-night caregiver,

and the emotional anchor.

They absorb the tantrums, the guilt, the pressure, the fear.

They break down in private so their kids don’t have to.

They show up sick, overwhelmed, overworked—

and still manage to love out loud.

And still, they’re the ones judged the most.

People say:

“You should’ve picked better.”

“No wonder your kid struggles.”

“That child is missing something.”

But here’s the truth:

These homes aren’t broken.

They’re built on the back of one person

who had no backup,

no break,

and no other option—

just the guts

to do it anyway.

If you truly have the child’s best interest at heart…

then you should care about more than just keeping a family together for appearance’s sake.

You should care whether that child feels safe in their own home.

You should care whether they’re being emotionally supported,

whether they’re surrounded by love,

not silence, tension, fear, or resentment.

You should care about what they see,

what they absorb,

and what kind of “normal” they’re being taught to accept.

You should care about whether that child is being raised in peace—

not just raised in a house with two adults who can’t stand each other but refuse to separate.

You should care about whether they feel heard, protected, and emotionally stable—

not just whether both parents are still under the same roof.

Because “same roof” doesn’t always mean stability.

Sometimes, it means stress.

Sometimes, it means silence.

Sometimes, it means watching love rot in real time.

And sometimes, it means abuse.

And if you truly care about what’s best for the child,

then that should matter more than the image.

More than the structure.

More than what people will say.

Because here’s the truth:

Some people care about the child—

until it challenges what they believe.

They care,

until the solution doesn’t look like what they were raised to accept.

They care,

until it makes them uncomfortable.

Until it forces them to confront that a peaceful home with one parent

is better than a hostile home with two.

That’s when the caring stops.

So ask yourself this, honestly:

Do you care about what’s truly best for the child—

or just what looks better,

because it makes you feel better?

Because confronting reality makes you uncomfortable?

Because if emotional peace, protection, and healing

don’t matter more than tradition, guilt, and image control—

then stop saying it’s about the child.

It’s not.

It’s about you.

Family Court Nightmare for Mom

19 Year-Old Sues Family Court Officials for $250 Million for Taking Her Away from Mom; Giving Custody to Father

Defendants Include Lawyers, Social Workers, Evaluators, GAL’s

“The defendants conspired to deny Annelise access to the courts and intentionally inflicted emotional distress on Annelise while she was still a minor. Defendants knowingly interfered with Annelise’s constitutional right to a relationship with her mother and four siblings, causing inordinate stress and difficulty.”

– Dede Evavold, blogger at Red Herring Alert

Annelise Rice, a hockey player at UND [University of North Dakota] and graduate of Minnetonka High School, filed a lawsuit on March 17, 2017, in Minnesota federal court seeking damages for deprivation of civil rights by tortuous [sic] intervention [interference] in a mother-child relationship and deprivation of rights under color of the law (Civil Action No. 17-cv-796 ADM/HB).

…The defendants include court-appointed Guardians at litem, Social Workers, and lawyers who were involved in the custody evaluation and CHIPS (Child in Need of Protection or Services) proceedings for Annelise Rice.

…Judges, lawyers, and social workers no longer have absolute immunity and can be held responsible for their actions that deprive Constitutional rights, even if they are acting in an official role.

This case is highly unusual due to the large amount of defendants involved.

…Annelise asks the court for relief in an amount great enough to deter defendants and others in similar positions from engaging in this egregious misconduct in the future. There have been many cases of negligence by social services that have put young lives at risk.

Social workers, Guardians at litem, lawyers, and judges need to be held accountable to prevent further neglect, abuse, and deaths of children in protective care. This lawsuit could potentially turn into a class action suit, because of the amount of families that have been mistreated in this way. Contact: Annelise Rice at More.moxie@me.com

EXCERPTS from:

19 YEAR-OLD SUES FOR DEPRIVATION OF CIVIL RIGHTS

https://redherringalert.wordpress.com/2017/04/28/19-year-old-sues-for-deprivation-of-civil-rights/comment-page-1/#comment-863

SUMMARY:

Annelise’s mom, Caroline, went from being a stay-at-home mom to losing custody of her five children. When the father decided he wanted to take the kids away from his ex, family court officials, led by Judge Richard Perkins, kicked into gear and made that happen. Full custody was awarded to the father, even though the children testified to horrible physical abuse by him.

At one point, Annelise ran away from her father and fled to Canada with her mom, however they were caught and Caroline was jailed. Caroline was jailed three times in her many attempts to protect her children, and she was tormented there in an effort to break and silence her.

Judge Perkins presided over the prosecution of Caroline for “abduction”, which was a clear conflict of interest, and at which she, not surprisingly, was convicted. But the appellate court actually overturned her conviction citing Judge Perkins’ biased handling of the case, including exclusion of evidence of the father’s abuse from the jury. So there was some due process for Caroline at the appellate level, which is unusual.

The children have spoken about the pain of losing their mother for many years.

COALITION NOTE: The sheer number of court-affiliated officials whom Annelise is suing spotlights the systemic coordination to empower fathers to take custody of their children—and that is not an exhaustive list. There are likely many more professionals who participated. Most cases in which a mother is trying to keep or protect her children involves many court-affiliated professionals who go along with the agenda and help the father win custody—whether he is abusive or just wants to avoid child support.

It is unclear why Judge Richard Perkins is not included in the lawsuit, since the article asserts that judges can now be held accountable through these civil rights lawsuits, and especially since an appellate court found Judge Perkins to have been biased.

It is also unclear who the judge is on Annelise’s federal civil rights case. The docket states that it is Judge Ann Montgomery, but that it is referred to Judge Hildy Bowbeer. Hopefully, whoever it is will not dismiss the case and will make fair rulings.

Answers to Annelise’s complaint are due in June. Watch this space for updates.

Previous Safe Kids post:

Judge Richard Perkins Held Accountable for Covering Up Abuse!

Some of the story as told by Annelise’s older sister, Lauren

A Mother’s Love: Caroline Marie Halonen-Rice Jailed for Protecting her Children- In Her Daughter’s Own Words- a Plea for Help, for Justice for Love

[Pictured: Annelise and Caroline (top left); Judge Ann Montgomery (left middle); Judge Hildy Bowbeer (left bottom); Annelise (right)]

Detachment of adult child

The detachment a mother experiences when letting go of an adult child is a multifaceted and often profound emotional process.

Its not a sudden severing of ties, but rather a gradual shift in the mother-child relationship as the child transitions into independence.

Heres a breakdown of what this detachment can entail:

Emotional Shifts:

* A Sense of Loss and Grief:

Even though its a natural progression, mothers can experience a sense of loss akin to grief.

This can stem from the changing daily interactions, the feeling of no longer being the primary caregiver and the realization that their childs life is now largely separate from their own.

The “empty nest syndrome” is a well-known manifestation of this.

* Letting Go of Control and Worry: Mothers have often spent years ensuring their childs safety and well-being.

Letting go involves relinquishing a degree of control and learning to trust their adult child’s decisions, even if they differ from their own.

This can be a source of anxiety and worry for some mothers.

* Redefining Identity:

For many mothers, a significant part of their identity is tied to being a parent.

As their children become independent, they may need to redefine their role and sense of purpose beyond active mothering.

This can be a time of self-discovery but also potential uncertainty.

* Mixed Emotions:

The detachment process often involves a complex mix of emotions.

There can be sadness and nostalgia for the past but also pride and joy in seeing their child thrive.

There might be relief at having more personal time, coupled with a pang of missing the daily connection.

* Emotional Distance (Healthy vs. Unhealthy):

A healthy detachment involves creating appropriate emotional boundaries, allowing the adult child to navigate their own life while still offering support when needed.

Unhealthy detachment can manifest as emotional unavailability, disinterest, or a premature pushing away, which can harm the parent-child relationship.

Behavioral and Relational Changes:

* Shifting from Caregiver to Supporter:

The mothers role evolves from direct caregiving to offering emotional support, guidance (when asked), and a safety net.

The dynamic becomes more adult-to-adult.

* Respecting Boundaries:

A crucial aspect of healthy detachment is respecting the adult child’s boundaries regarding their personal life, decisions and space. This can be challenging after years of being deeply involved.

* Less Frequent Direct Involvement:

Daily interactions and involvement in the childs life naturally decrease as the adult child establishes their own routines, relationships and responsibilities.

* New Forms of Connection:

The relationship doesnt necessarily diminish but transforms.

Connection might shift to less frequent but more meaningful interactions, focusing on shared interests and mutual respect.

Psychological Aspects:

* Attachment Theory:

This theory suggests that the bond between parent and child evolves over time.

Healthy detachment in adulthood signifies a secure attachment where the child feels confident to explore independently, knowing the parent is still a secure base to return to if needed.

* Developmental Stages:

Both the parent and the adult child are navigating new developmental stages.

The mother might be entering a phase of re-focusing on personal goals, while the child is establishing their independence.

* Individual Differences:

The experience of detachment varies greatly among mothers.

Factors such as personality, the closeness of the previous relationship, the mothers support system and her own interests and activities play a significant role.

Challenges:

* Enabling vs. Supporting: Mothers may struggle with the balance between offering support and enabling dependence, hindering their childs growth.

* Difficulty Letting Go of the “Baby”:

It can be emotionally challenging to see a grown adult instead of the child they nurtured for so long.

* Societal Expectations: Sometimes, societal norms or personal expectations can make it difficult for mothers to embrace their changing role.

The detachment a mother goes through is a complex emotional and relational adjustment.

Its a necessary process that allows the adult child to fully step into their own life while ideally maintaining a loving and supportive, albeit different, relationship with their mother.

A healthy detachment fosters independence, mutual respect, and an evolving bond that reflects the changing needs of both individuals.

“Life is a balance between holding on and letting go.”

Rumi

On a personal note:

I Am going through this process right now and to be honest this has been one of the absolute most difficult things I have ever had to do.

I have practiced detachment for many years.

To some degree, I have had to let go of every single person I have ever loved.

But there is nothing, NOTHING, that can prepare a mother to learn how to detach from their child in a healthy, loving way.

I was talking with my husband and said to him:

“I feel lost.

The mother role is an identity I have lived with for 25+ years.

I dont know who I Am. And its confusing.”

He said to me:

“Maybe it’s not about who you are but about who you want to become.”

To the Mamas out there:

If you have gone through this or have yet to, just know that you are not alone, that every single feeling you experience upon the entire spectrum of emotion is VALID.

The only way to heal is to feel.

Bless your beautiful Mama hearts.

I bow deeply and with respect for the challenge we all share as being the Mothers.

One of the hardest things a mother will ever do is watch her heart walking around outside her chest and hope the world is gentle with it.

~Monique Satonin

Art: FreePik

Sacred Divine Feminine

https://EmpowerWholeness.com