Tag: Children

Alienated Children – Cognitive Dissonance

Alienated children often suffer from cognitive dissonance as they struggle to reconcile the negative narrative imposed on them by the alienating parent and their own genuine feelings and memories of the ‘target’ parent. This can lead them to seek reasons to justify their rejection of a loved, loving, available and non-abusive parent. It’s also a means to align with the alienating parent who presents as stronger and apparently safer. This is what the child wants – safety, security, love. Initially, they may subconsciously prioritise pleasing the controlling alienating parent to avoid conflict or further manipulation. ⁠

⁠

The alienated child consciously or unconsciously seeks evidence, often exaggerated or distorted, that supports the negative image the alienating parent has portrayed of the ‘target’ parent. Information can be twisted out of all recognition. There are many examples of this. A phone call can be called harassment. Gifts can be bribery. Virtually everything can seem wrong as the alienating parent repositions it, and unfortunately, the child learns this behaviour and starts to put it into practise themselves. This can involve past and present events. Happy memories can be erased and reprogrammed in a negative light. ⁠

⁠

But it has to be remembered that when the child does this, it is a way of surviving a dreadful ordeal and somehow trying to justify and validate the behaviours they’ve been coerced into. I’ve heard it so many times from adults who were alienated children that it really helped them to know their rejected parent was always there for them, waiting, in the background, with love, giving them hope that one day everything would be okay.⁠

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#alienatedchild

#parentalalienationawareness

#CoerciveControl

#FamilyCourt

#childpsychologicalabuse

#attachmenttheory

#parentalalienation

#custody

#ChildCustody

Craig Childress, PsyD – Child Attachment Pathology & Child Abuse

I think I’m going to Coffee talk you twice tomorrow.

In the first one I’ll answer a question. In the second I’m going to talk to teachers – and the principal. For schools, it’s mostly the principal who’s involved, but the teacher should know what’s up.

Mostly teachers need to keep their heads down and remain non-involved… mostly it’s navigating the parent conferences. It’s the principal and the front office where most of the inter-parental action happens.

Sometimes it’s the records thing. Sometimes it’s a child tantrum in the office at exchange. Sometimes it’s a missed pick-up because the allied parent already picked the child up.

Triangulation is a hallmark of manipulative pathology. General public bystanders need to de-triangulate. It’s the psychologists who should be handling it. But they’re not.

Everything is a problem because the doctor psychologists in the family courts aren’t doing their job of fixing the problem. That’s their profession, that’s their job – to fix the mental health problem.

In this case, child attachment pathology and child abuse.

This isn’t a custody issue. Its a treatment issue. We need to fix the problem. To fix the problem we first have to identify what the problem is – i.e., which parent is abusing the child?

Diagnosis guides treatment. If we try to treat cancer with insulin, the patient dies from the misdiagnosed cancer. What is the diagnosis?

Start there. Once we have an accurate diagnosis for what the problem is, then we can develop an effective treatment plan to fix the problem… whatever the problem is.

That’s what we do in healthcare. You go to the doctor when you’re sick and the doctor diagnoses what’s causing your problem and then gives you a treatment plan to fix the problem.

Diagnosis first, then treatment. The treatment depends on the diagnosis, are we treating cancer or diabetes – which parent is abusing the child?

If a child is rejecting a parent, one parent or the other is abusing the child because abusive parenting is the ONLY thing that causes a symptom of a child rejecting a parent.

The ONLY diagnostic question is which parent is abusing the child?

Once the doctors start doing their job… everything will be fixed because they’ll fix the problem.

I should tell you how to fix problems. Maybe I should start with the basics of behavior change. Do you want to change any aspect of your life? I should tell you how to do that.

It’s relatively easy. The problem is you won’t do it. It’s called “resistance” and it arrived with Freud and has been the obstacle forever after.

I should tell you about Alfred Adler and why people want their problems. I should tell you about depression and anxiety too – just kind of orientations.

Should I tell you about Sapolsky and how it doesn’t matter what you do because it’s all Determined? Probably not.

I should talk to the teachers and principals to give them suggestions for navigating their child end of inter-parental custody conflict. We’ll see how the spirit moves me.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist
WA 61538481
OR 3942 – CA 18857

Alienating Parent & Narcissism -Charlie McCready

It has been established that in most cases an Alienator is Narcissistic.

Despite its prevalence and devastating consequences, parental alienation remains one of the most misunderstood and underreported forms of abuse, sometimes, in itself, invalidated and maligned, with dire repercussions for families, and this, in turn, damages the very fabric of our societies.

At its core, parental alienation involves a distorted and toxic manipulation of familial relationships, particularly in the context of separation or divorce. It encompasses a spectrum of abusive behaviours, from emotional manipulation and coercive control to psychological abuse and child maltreatment. An alienating parent nefariously orchestrates it, but it can also involve step-parents, grandparents and others. Far too often, it’s further enabled by anyone, including professionals in the mental health and legal space, who doesn’t recognise and understand the dynamics behind the pathology. ‘Parental alienation’ is often disguised as love and protectiveness by a caring, concerned parent. In contrast, the more mentally healthy, ‘target’ parent who seeks peaceful resolution and a form of co-parenting can be mistaken for the agitator and the problem, particularly when the ‘voice of the child’ (coached and aligned with the alienating parent) has the last word. Sometimes, the ‘target’ alienated parent doesn’t even get to share their side of things. And this very divisiveness, this black-and-white thinking, is to the advantage of the triangulating (divide and conquer) adversarial parent in an adversarial situation. This is generalising, of course; there are many grey areas, and it’s not to say the alienating parent can’t sometimes act with genuine love, and the ‘target’ parent doesn’t sometimes, especially given the injustice, grief and anger, this situation evokes, act as the more emotional parent. The alienating parent, by contrast, can come across as calm, confident, charming … and this is before we throw narcissistic traits into the mix too

Furthermore, the targeted parent, unjustly maligned and emotionally battered, often faces the isolation of not being heard and understood and a labyrinthine legal and mental health landscape. The true extent of the abuse often eludes well-meaning professionals who may inadvertently contribute to the perpetuation of parental alienation due to a lack of awareness and understanding. Mental health professionals, legal practitioners, and communities must be equipped to recognise the signs, intervene effectively, and provide the necessary resources for healing and reconciliation. It’s a false economy not to invest in a better understanding and support for those caught up in ‘parental alienation’. The repercussions extend far beyond the immediate family unit when the harm it causes impacts communities, schools, and society at large. By acknowledging and addressing this form of abuse, we could pave the way for healthier, more connected societies where the sacred bonds of family are honoured and the well-being of children is prioritised above all.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#alienatedchild

#childpsychologicalabuse

Poor Partner ? Good Father Myth

If a man believes he can protect his children while hurting his woman, he is deeply mistaken. What you give to your woman—whether love, respect, or pain—is what she will pass on to your children. This is an undeniable truth of life, one you cannot escape. A woman is the emotional and spiritual foundation of a home, and her well-being influences the emotional climate of the entire family.

When a man nurtures and supports his woman, he creates an environment where love and safety thrive. This love flows through her and reaches the children. A woman who feels cherished and respected will radiate warmth and stability. Her sense of peace will naturally create a secure world for her children to grow and flourish in.

On the other hand, when a man chooses to hurt or neglect his woman, he disrupts the harmony of the home. Her pain doesn’t stay confined within her; it becomes a silent burden that shapes the atmosphere of the household. Children growing up in a space filled with tension and emotional distress often internalize those struggles, carrying them into their own lives.

It is essential for a man to recognize that his relationship with his woman sets the foundation for his children’s emotional development. If he provides her with love and security, his children will learn the importance of healthy relationships and emotional intelligence. If he chooses to cause her harm, he risks teaching his children to repeat the same patterns of dysfunction.

A woman’s role in a family is unique. She is often the heart of the home, and her energy influences the rhythm of daily life. When a man honors this role and treats her with care, he empowers her to fulfill it wholeheartedly. This empowerment doesn’t just benefit her—it shapes the emotional well-being of their children for generations.

A man cannot claim to be a good father while being a poor partner. His treatment of the mother of his children is one of the greatest lessons he teaches them. Sons will learn how to treat women by observing their father, and daughters will learn what to expect from men. Therefore, a father’s actions have a profound and lasting impact.

Many men fail to see this connection, assuming they can compartmentalize their relationships. They believe they can show up as loving fathers while being absent or hurtful partners. But children are incredibly perceptive. They notice the unspoken dynamics and carry those observations into their understanding of relationships.

The truth is, children thrive in an environment where both parents are emotionally healthy and supportive of one another. A man who uplifts his woman not only strengthens her but also creates a stable foundation for his children to grow upon. His love and respect set an example that shapes their worldview.

Men must also recognize that protecting their children goes beyond physical safety. It involves creating a space where emotional security is prioritized. This cannot happen if the mother of the children feels unsupported, neglected, or hurt. Emotional wounds within the family ripple outward, affecting everyone.

To truly protect your children, protect their mother. Nurture her spirit and honor her contributions. When you invest in her happiness and well-being, you invest in the emotional health of your entire family. What you give her, she will magnify and return to your children tenfold.

So dear man, the greatest legacy a man can leave for his children is the example of a loving and harmonious partnership. By treating his woman with care and respect, he teaches his children the value of love, kindness, and mutual support. This is the universal truth you cannot escape—and one every man must embrace.

Teach the Children – Mary Oliver 🙏

Often referred to as ‘ rewilding ‘

“Teach the children. We don’t matter so much, but the children do. Show them daisies and the pale hepatica. Teach them the taste of sassafras and wintergreen. The lives of the blue sailors, mallow, sunbursts, the moccasin-flowers. And the frisky ones–inkberry, lamb’s-quarters, blueberries. And the aromatic ones–rosemary, oregano. Give them peppermint to put in their pockets as they go to school. Give them the fields and the woods and the possibility of the world salvaged from the lords of profit. Stand them in the stream, head them upstream, rejoice as they learn to love this green space they live in, its sticks and leaves and then the silent, beautiful blossoms. Attention is the beginning of devotion.”

– Mary Oliver

Artwork by Catrin Welz-Stein

Alienated Children – Lack of self love

Parental alienation can lead to children distancing themselves emotionally and physically from one parent due to the influence and manipulation of the other parent. The child’s response to this complex situation includes severing contact and adopting a defensive, even hostile stance toward the ‘target’ parent. This strategy serves as a mechanism to navigate the loyalty conflicts and psychological pressures they experience. This inadvertently compels the child to suppress their genuine emotions and authentic self, as they prioritise gaining the approval of the alienating parent to maintain a semblance of peace and stability. The child may internalise the negative narratives about themselves and their alienated parent promoted by the alienator, leading to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, self-blame, and diminished self-worth. ⁠

Children have limited perspectives. Unconsciously, they may believe that any abuse they get from their parents is deserved because it’s their fault. When ignored or their needs and interests are neglected, a child can believe it’s because they’re not good enough. Or that they’re difficult, a nuisance, a problem. If nothing is done to correct these erroneous beliefs, the child will believe they’re true, and the lack of self-worth and the general self-loathing they feel for themselves may be reinforced. It’s not the child that is the problem, but the parenting. This, unfortunately, is how dysfunctional parenting from an unhealed parent can get passed on to the child. ⁠

⁠

These internal conflicts and loss of self-love, combined with the desire to maintain attachment to an alienating (abusive) parent, can suppress feelings for the targeted parent. This may not be forever. The love for the alienated parent can endure despite the manipulation and psychological pressures inflicted upon them. Love, as a force, can prevail over the influence of hate and manipulative abuse. ⁠

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#emotionalmanipulation

#parentalalienationawareness

#CoerciveControl

#traumabonding

#narcissisticabuseawareness

#ChildCustody

#mothersmatter

#FathersMatter

#custody

#FamilyCourt

#parentalalienation

#traumabond

#childabuse

#narcissisticparent

Consider Children

Please don’t overlook the anxiety your children may be silently experiencing.

They pay attention way more than we give them credit for.

If you don’t talk politics, social movements, and the reality that things are probably going to significantly change in the near future, this might be a good time to start those conversations.

Regardless of what happens, they are going to grow up in a very different reality than we have. They are nostalgic for the 80s and 90s, thanks to current media.

My kids like to hear how much simpler times were back then, just like I used to reminisce with my family about the 50s and 60s, not taking into account the complex social changes and horrors that were happening during their formative years. 

I believe it will come as less of a shock to our younger ones if we continue to explain the changes we are facing in thoughtful dialogue. They will probably have many questions and we certainly do not have all the answers. I think that’s important to admit as well.

Without creating more overwhelm, please continue to pay attention and have empathy for those less fortunate. ❤️