We Need to Talk

I came across a post a few hours ago in a millennial mom group that stopped me in my tracks. A woman shared she was thinking of going no contact with her mother because she found her “toxic.”

She described her mom as quite toxic and even wished her mother was dead because she couldn’t handle her mom’s emotional needs and physical needs — by needs, she meant driving her around because her mom couldn’t drive and by keeping her company.

As a life coach, I asked what she meant by “toxic” because context matters. Some people have every reason to go no contact, but I am not referring to those experiencing extreme harm or abuse.

I’m going to speak frankly, some of you need to do much better for your parents.

I understand this might not be a popular opinion with some younger people, but after all I’ve seen and experienced, I feel it’s important to speak openly and honestly about this.

My first question was: What does “toxic” mean to you? Words like that carry heavy weight. I’ve seen people cut ties because it was absolutely essential, but lately, I’m mostly seeing it happen for the most ridiculous reasons. When a child goes no contact, it often feels like a death to the parent. Absolute pure heartbreak and grief.

In this case, the reasons given were not enough hugs growing up, her mom not knowing how to drive or swim, and being emotionally needy. She was too busy, as a mom of three, to handle her mom’s emotional needs. I gently pointed out that wishing death on a parent for those reasons is extreme.

Many people in their 50s, 60s, and beyond are dealing with menopause, depression, loneliness, physical limitations, diseases, cancer, arthritis, you name it. Many are also grieving deep losses, like the loss of a partner, parent or sibling. The list goes on, and most never had access to the emotional tools we have today.

Generation X was raised by Boomers, who were raised by the Silent Generation. Emotional distance and even extreme harm were unfortunately common. Many did the best they could, but emotional skills weren’t passed down. That doesn’t erase the hurt, but it helps explain it.

In many cultures, aging parents live with their adult children and not out of duty, but out of love and reciprocity. In Western culture, we’ve seemed to not only forget that bond, but erase it.

This generation absolutely deserves boundaries to protect their well-being but boundaries don’t mean throwing parents away. Love, compassion, understanding, tolerance, and empathy are essential, especially when expecting someone to change at 50, 60, or 70 years old is unrealistic. Let them be who they are. They’re not going to change.

Imagine your children throwing you away because you can’t drive anymore or because you’ve become “annoying.”

Because Generation X didn’t always learn the tools they needed and many of us grew up in dysfunctional families, we tried something different: gentle parenting. Perhaps, in trying to be kinder, we may have unintentionally entitled our children or given them too much. Some kids embraced it and didn’t take advantage, while others became entitled. Maybe we were simply too kind.

Love and take care of your parents while you can because they have don’t have much time left on this planet.

If you’re doing this to your parents, imagine what your kids will do to you.

Western culture and this generation — something has to change. Otherwise, the whole family unit is going to fall apart.

FamilyMatters #GenerationalHealing #BoundariesAndCompassion #ParentChildRelationship #GenX #Boomers #LifeCoaching #Empathy #LoveYourParents #IntergenerationalLove