Divorcing a Narcissist

Ex and 2 lawyers created our divorce ; I’d have like to have been awake and aware . No idea what I charged him with , abuse, abandonment, neglect etc ? But these 3 men changed it to ” no fault ” and I was responsible for my health care and legal fees .

The manipulation of my income including the cost of preparing our home for market ( after several years of our youngest living there in order to graduate high school ) the division of the 401k and division of home furnishings (he made those decisions , which meant I got what he didn’t want ) as I faltered in 2004 finding my cobra serve was ending and having just bought a house that needed more improvement than I could afford .

Of course I was mad to begin waking up to discover how he had played the victim instead of the truth that he lives a very miserable and distorted life and I nor anyone else is responsible for his happiness or growth .

The worst crime and abuse was committed in regards to our sons and then grandchildren.

Payback or Karma is clearing this decades old injustice .

Truth & Light restores the balance seized by a tormented soul I released long ago and upon completing old business it’s truly over . Equality and restoration of my name and character which he tried to destroy

It is mental, physical , financial and spiritual abuse which he prefers to continue to infinity.

It’s over

Forgiving – PAS/Child Psychology Abuse

Forgiveness involves learning to let go, and that is of great benefit to you. Forgiveness helps you to focus on your happiness and the good things in life. It is a decision you can make – replacing ill will with good-will. While you may have envisaged revenge or ‘an eye for an eye’ (which leaves everyone blind as the saying goes), you can make a choice to find peace of mind instead. This is decisional forgiveness. On an even deeper level, and harder to achieve, there’s emotional forgiveness. That’s when you’ve completely moved away from thinking about the person/people who have done you wrong. You no longer hold any negative feelings or dwell on the offence, hurt and harm inflicted. Reaching this stage takes time, but it is immensely beneficial to your health and well-being. It reduces the self-pity and ‘victimhood’ mentality, and eventually, this can disappear completely. It liberates you from being triggered or stuck in a cycle of grief and anger. How to achieve this? Try visualising that person (this might not be pleasant or easy at first) and understand why they did what they did. Time and distance make it a little easier to be objective. Feel the feelings that come up. Don’t suppress them. Why did they do this thing? Would they have done this to anyone they were with (it’s not about you)? So this is their problem, and they will continue having this problem long after you’ve moved on and let it go. Can you see the place of fear they’re coming from? Remember, somebody else’s decision to hurt you was not your fault. Have you ever behaved poorly and upset/offended/wilfully or inadvertently harmed someone else yourself? Have you forgiven yourself? Were you forgiven? It could be you behaved poorly when you didn’t know better at the time. You may have behaved the way you did, said, felt and done what you did back then because you had given away your power, and you were just trying to survive and cope the best you could. You didn’t know how much harm or hurt it would cause. Forgive yourself. Forgive others who have done the same thing. Stick with this, it’s not easy. It’s not to forget. We might never truly understand why why they did what they did. We can’t erase what’s happened, or minimise it. Nor do we want these people back in our lives. We don’t forgive to help the other person who hurt us, but we do it to heal our own wounds. Forgiveness is really for us. What we can do is reframe our thinking about the harm caused, and our reaction to it going forwards. The other person doesn’t have to be present. Think it, feel it, or write it down, and let it go. Burn the paper and see it go up in smoke. Imagine it’s gone from your life. Now here comes the really tough bit. Send love to your persecutor. There’s logic to this. Imagine how good things would be if they felt love not fear, and were not constantly at war with life and with you. Imagine how much easier life would be for your child if the alienating parent knew how to love – themselves and others. How much easier would life be. People in pain often cause pain to others. Send them love because if they are healed, the alienating behaviours will dissipate. They’ll no longer feel anger and fear and vengeance, if they’re actually happy and full of love. Imagine that. They may never apologize, or admit to their wrongdoing, they may never be happy and have good relationships, but that is no longer your problem once you let go of the hold they’ve had over you, the grief and anger you’ve been holding onto because of the injustice and harm they caused. Practice forgiveness anyway for your own sake.

If you like our posts, please help us help others by sharing our posts to other people and sites. My mission is to spread awareness about parental alienation, inform and uplift. We’re also on Instagram, and we’d love you to follow us there too.

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The Personal Authority 9 Step Program helps my clients understand and deal with their alienated child/ren, the alienating parent, plus how to overcome the mental and emotional issues that they experience. This program can help transform your experience of alienation and how you live your life. Typically people experience a change in mindset after a few weeks. Please send me a message if you are interested to know more, and I can send you testimonials and further details on what the program covers and the benefits you could gain.

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#narcissisticabuseawareness

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#highconflictdivorce

#familylaw

#FamilyCourt

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#parentalalienation

#parentalalienationawareness

#parentalguidance

#generationaltrauma

#custody

#custodybattle

#childrenfirst

Society Judges Moms & this should become extinct

Try offering help, set an example of how to ignore the critical judges of society

In our society, a mother suffers guilt no matter what she does.⁣⁣

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If she’s on top of her kids making sure everything’s okay, she’s called a helicopter mom, and if she lets them run around as she sits on the side talking to a friend, she’s neglectful.⁣⁣

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If she prefers cooking from scratch and organic everything, her kids are “going to go crazy on junk food when they go to someone else’s house.” And if she feeds them donuts and muffins for breakfast some mornings because she’s in a rush or “just because,” then her kids are unhealthy. ⁣⁣

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If she breastfeeds and doesn’t produce enough milk, and her baby isn’t thriving, then she’s a failure. But when she adds formula, she’s more of a failure for not giving her baby all breast milk.⁣⁣

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If she stays home with her kids, she should be working—”how can her family financially keep up?” But if she’s working, she’s met with “they’re only little once.”⁣⁣

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If she hasn’t lost the postpartum weight, “gosh, she let herself go.” But if she did, “wow, she must not eat, spend hours working out, and neglect her children.”⁣⁣

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In a society that knows “everything” and places too many expectations on moms,⁣⁣

If you listen to everyone else,⁣⁣

you’re always going to fall short.⁣⁣

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So, DON’T LISTEN,⁣⁣

and stop feeling bad for your choices.⁣⁣

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Throw those internalized unrealistic expectations away,⁣⁣

and do what’s best for you and your family.⁣⁣

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It’s called “your family” for a reason.⁣⁣

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Besides, if you love your children and try,⁣⁣

you’re a good mom.⁣⁣

⁣✍️: Living FULL

📸: This Mama Doodles

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My Children’s Book 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺: 𝘈𝘥𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘴 𝘎𝘦𝘵 𝘉𝘪𝘨 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘛𝘰𝘰 is out everywhere: https://amzn.to/317TvVc

Deprograming the Alienated Child

It is extremely difficult for the alienated child to accept that the trusted, favoured, ‘good’ and aligned parent, the one they chose over the ‘bad’ parent, the one they believed, the one they might have even lied for, and done everything they could to please, actually, in truth, had nothing but their own interests, (and vengeance) in mind. The betrayal and shock of this is so awful that it is easier for that child not to believe it. Not only that but it makes them feel so manipulated and gullible. In reality, coercive control is incredibly hard to combat and children believe their parent would never do anything to harm them. Parental alienation is harmful. It is abuse. So it is extremely hard for the child to believe this has been inflicted on them. But the acceptance is the first step in their healing, and de-programming. Undoing what might be years of lies and controlling behaviour. As a target parent, it is a minefield because mentioning parental alienation can insult and upset the child. So we have to tread carefully and be so conscious of their suffering (just as we have suffered too).

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You are more than pathology – Craig Childress PsyD

Don’t let the pathology consume you.

You are more than the pathology. You had a life. You have a life. You have a lifetime to come.

You are faced with a challenge. The other parent is pathological – problematic. The other parent is creating attachment pathology in the child toward you for advantages and secondary gain to the pathological parent.

You will need to lead your family into a post-divorce solution of a healthy and successful separated family structure. The child is giving you a problem because the child knows you can solve it. You’re the healthier parent.

The other parent is collapsing into their pathology. It is up to you to lead the family into a solution. You just need support. You want a written treatment plan to fix things.

The pathology wants to drive this into the legal system and make it about custody. You want to move this into the healthcare system and make it about treatment.

Then you must become an informed consumer of mental health services to effectively advocate for yourself and your child. Be kind, always be kind. Be relentless in protecting your child.

The pathogen will try everything it can to destabilize you. Remain in your center-place of confidence. Don’t trigger into your fears. Use your executive functions of linear-logical reasoning and planning ahead.

Shift the focus from custody to treatment, make the pathogen argue against treatment – this will expose it. You want a written treatment plan, for that you’ll need a diagnosis.

Understand the approach. Understand the diagnosis.

In all cases of severe attachment pathology surrounding court-involved custody conflict, a proper risk assessment for possible child abuse needs to be conducted to the appropriate differential diagnosis for each parent.

Patients should NEVER have to explain the pathology to the doctor… but you do. That is a highly concerning professional problem. We will be working to fix it.

The doctors should know as least as much as you do – more. They should know all about cross-generational coalitions and shared persecutory delusions, and they should be explaining the child abuse and spousal abuse pathology to you.

They’re not. You will need to navigate their ignorance.

You remain stable. You remain in your authenticity. You did nothing wrong. It’s not your fault. Bad people are doing bad things, we are going to make them stop.

Don’t let the pathology (problem) consume who you are. You have a challenge, there is a pathology in your family. It’s an attachment pathology, a problem in the love-and-bonding system of the brain. The source of the problem (pathology) is in the unresolved childhood trauma of the pathological (problematic) parent.

This is a pathology of lies. Everything about the pathology is a lie. It is a delusion – a false belief – a delusion is a fixed and false belief maintained despite contrary evidence. No amount of contrary evidence will ever change a delusion because that’s the definition of delusional.

The type of delusion (created in unresolved childhood trauma) is called a “persecutory delusion” – it is a fixed and false belief in supposed victimization.

The American Psychiatric Association provides the following definition of a persecutory delusion:

From the APA: “Persecutory Type: delusions that the person (or someone to whom the person is close) is being malevolently treated in some way.”

The differential diagnosis for severe attachment pathology is child abuse by one parent or the other;

Either the targeted parent is abusing the child, thereby creating the child’s attachment pathology toward that parent,

Or the allied parent is psychologically abusing the child by creating a shared persecutory delusion and false attachment pathology in the child.

One way or the other, the differential diagnosis for severe attachment pathology (i.e., a child rejecting a parent) is child abuse. The only question is, which parent?

In all cases of severe attachment pathology surrounding court-involved custody conflict, a proper risk assessment for possible child abuse needs to be conducted to the appropriate differential diagnosis for each parent.

You have a problem. You need to fix the problem. You need a written treatment plan to fix your problem. That requires a diagnosis. Diagnosis guides treatment. The treatment for cancer is different than the treatment for diabetes.

The treatment for child abuse by the targeted parent is different than the treatment of psychological child abuse by the allied parent. Is there a persecutory delusion present?

Does the child have a fixed and false belief that the child is being “malevolently treated in some way” by the parenting of the targeted parent? Does the allied parent share the child’s fixed and false belief that the child is being malevolently treated in some way by the parenting of the targeted parent?

Is there a shared persecutory delusion?

You don’t want an assessment (you do, but don’t start there). You want a treatment plan (google WikiHow mental health treatment plans). For a treatment plan you will need a diagnosis (diagnosis guides treatment). For a diagnosis, you will need a proper clinical diagnostic risk assessment for possible child abuse to the appropriate differential diagnosis for each parent.

Start with the written treatment plan and don’t let go of that. Hang on and don’t let them shake you loose from treatment – you want things fixed.

That ends with obtaining a proper risk assessment for the proper diagnostic issues of concern. Are you abusing your child? Is the other parent psychologically abusing the child? We need an accurate diagnosis to guide the development of an effective treatment plan.

If we treat cancer with insulin, the patient dies from the misdiagnosed and mistreated cancer.

You need support. You are the protective parent. The mental health professionals should be accurately diagnosing the pathology (problem). They should be providing you with support. They should be your allies in generating a solution – i.e., the successful treatment of the child’s attachment pathology toward a parent.

Diagnosis = identify
Pathology = problem
Treatment = fix it

You have a problem. There is a pathology in your family. It is an attachment pathology, a problem in love-and-bonding. You need to fix it. You want a written treatment plan to fix the problem (pathology) in your family.

The differential diagnoses of concern are:

1) Possible Child Psychological Abuse (DSM-5 V995,51) by the allied parent who is creating a shared persecutory delusion and false attachment pathology in the child,

2) Possible Spouse or Partner Abuse, Psychological (DSM-5 V995.82) of the targeted parent by the allied parent using the child as the weapon.

In all cases of severe attachment pathology surrounding court-involved custody conflict, a proper risk assessment for possible child abuse and possible spousal abuse using the child as the weapon needs to be conducted.

They have duty to protect obligations. They have competence requirements – Standards 2.01, 2.03, 2.04.

Don’t destabilize, don’t trigger into your fears and insecurities. You’re fine, you did nothing wrong. There is a pathology (problem) in your family surrounding love-and-bonding. You’ll need to fix it.

You’ll need help from the mental health professionals in fixing your problem. Be kind. Be resolute. Become an informed consumer of mental health services and the pathology in your family.

It is NOT your obligation to educate the doctor about the pathology they are treating – they should already know. Unfortunately, you do have to educate the forensic psychology people in the family courts.

That speaks to the immensely low quality of professional services in the family courts when the patients are educating the doctors about the nature and treatment of the pathology.

The other parent creates chaos. You remain grounded. You remain authentic to what you know. Develop a plan. Execute the plan. You are the protective parent.

You are the healthier parent. The task ahead is for you to lead your family into a successful post-divorce separated family structure. You just need support.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, CA PSY 18857