With a Narcissist, you are stuck between two worlds – the emotional one where you believe in their love and the debilitating one where you see the truth that this is a distorted and destructive love that is harming you.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power and control they love AND supply or objectifying people to satisfy their every need. The Narcissist is so deeply invested in his/her image and will do whatever it takes to protect themselves from exposure. Their actions are so extreme to maintain their false illusions they have created and it becomes a matter of self-preservation and the Narcissist will think nothing of destroying your self-esteem, self-worth, reputation and integrity to protect themselves. Their lies catch up with them eventually and we end up in the trash heap with every other target/victim that dared demand accountability. This IS THE FATE of every relationship with a Narcissist. They are very calculating and exacting at retaining their ability to survive as the predator they are so they can continue to find prey. It is a matter of survival, otherwise if their true distorted personality were apparent they would be like a fish out of water (a shark.)
Of course it goes without saying that all of their distorted efforts or the many secrets, lies and deceptions that support their lifestyle make it impossible for a person to sustain any sort of an emotional bond or a REAL relationship with them. This is due to the fact that the many lies pile up to a point that they take on a life of their own that eventually becomes so apparent to the target/victim. In other words, the Narcissist is never that adept to cover up their reality because it is just too distorted for them to maintain any semblance of a relationship with anybody. They are SO out of control and careless that they can’t keep up with their own lies with any one person. They can fake it for as long as we BELIEVE them, but in time the truth lights the way and their honorable mask falls off and shatters from the many lies that weight it down! But again, they will use horrid manipulation to make you fear their retribution and keep you strung along in their abuse until they are DONE with you.
Narcissists do not have ANY capacity to have healthy interactions with ANYBODY because they dissociate with any internal empathy, emotions or a real persona. They simply are not wired with the internal mechanisms to have these skills! How do they manage to imitate the normal human condition so well? Through observation and studying people and mimicking our behaviors. Again, they are predators that must camouflage themselves to remain undetected so they can trap their prey. SO, what better way for a Narcissist to fit in by imitating OUR healthy lifestyle. Think of the criminal that will case out a bank finding weaknesses, the vault, and the escape route before they break in.
Narcissist are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization as well as the harm they inflict on people. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are – let’s just call it what it is denial. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought, action, or emotion. In the real world, we just say Narcissists DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their Facebook account, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to HIDE how they abused another person so they can keep abusing more targets to get the supply they desperately need in life. Perhaps we should call them out as the predators that they really are!
OK so the nitty gritty to help you understand how a human being can be like this! Narcissists don’t live in the real world OR a real world. They live in their own world made up of fantasy, lies, delusions, deceit, and perversion. They have their own reality that everyone that has any part of their life must accept or they will be deemed crazy, punished, and even destroyed. They live in a world where they make up all the rules and then break all the rules. In this world, everyone must think just like them or better yet approve everything that the Narcissist does without question or prejudice. If you are a part of their life you can never reflect anything that would reveal their true identity or ask them for accountability about anything or they will turn it back onto you with blame and shame. I guess this could define a dicatator!
All of the Narcissist’s sins must be forgiven and accepted but YOU must be perfect and basically their servant and caretaker. Acceptance and adoration must be given to the Narcissist CONSTANTLY, but absolutely none is given to you in return. In their world ABUSE is how they show love and you must accept the abuse because that is all you are worthy of. You must support their deluded actions without blinking an eye, but if you breathe wrong you will be severely punished.
Living in their world will always involve gas-lighting, betrayal, pathological lying, isolation, triangulation, and extreme manipulation so they can keep their false identity in place. You constantly have to tiptoe around the Narcissist’s fragile ego to keep them happy so that their true identity and nature doesn’t rear its ugly and destructive face. Living in their world is like walking through a field of hidden bombs and you never know when they will explode but when they do the Narcissist is always there in the shadows detonating them!
It is in reality a distorted land of make believe and everything is fine as far as the Narcissist is concerned because it totally serves them. BUT it is a land of horrible secrets and painful lies. THE ONLY truth is a relative truth based on what YOU may believe the relationship really is. YOUR relationship IS ONLY held together through fear, guilt and obligation – that and being a source of supply to this Narcissist until they find a replacement.
The Narcissist sabotages everything and everyone because NOBODY can be better or do better than the NARCISSIT! It is a place where your dreams will die quickly and your self-esteem and self-worth die along with them. It is a place where love does not exist at all and hurt and pain prevail for the victim!
Suddenly after so much time together with this Narcissist your world is no longer the one you believed in. You question everyday reality, but most of all you question yourself. You wonder how you could have been so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, trusting, unseeing, unknowing, etc., etc. You were betrayed and duped in a hideous fashion by the great manipulator! It was just your turn to replace old supply and shore up the Narcissists lies. You essentially became their safe haven after their last target/victim and just new supply. Don’t blame yourself for their abuse because NOBODY deserves this type of abuse for ANY reason.
YOU are the normal person here or the one who aligns reality in a very normal manner! The Narcissist realigns YOUR reality through extreme deception to make you BELIEVE they are like you in every way BUT they are the direct opposite and purely toxic. With all of their overt manipulation they make you believe they are so full of charm and love AND there is no reason NOT to reciprocate back with your love, devotion and TRUST. You see no other reason than to believe him/her because if the Narcissist acts like you (the NORMAL person), reciprocates by saying that he/she likes or loves you, then there is no reason not to believe him/her because in your past people that acted in this manner and spoke these exact same words could be trusted. You only believed there was congruency or reality in the initial connection and you did what other normal people did and went with it because the Narcissist LIED so well and hid their secret perverted world from you! But not now because time has changed so many things and all you see is desperation and pain.
Suddenly you learn that someone (the Narcissist) you trusted implicitly, be it a spouse, lover, family member, close friend, etc., has been putting you down, backstabbing you, lying, manipulating others against you, betraying you, and yet STILL maintaining a FALSE stance of intimacy, friendship or LOVE with you. It is just impossible to understand because it is a horrendous betrayal, so your world becomes so unclear and now you have so much conflict and animosity about this.
Unfortunately, you are stuck between two worlds – one where you believed in their love and one where you see truth that it was distorted love meant to harm you! A Narcissist loves to get into your head and gain control to satisfy their every need, then they enjoy devaluing you for letting them in and enjoy the process of the harm they inflict upon you. It is this power and control they love.
There are so many areas of our lives that are impacted by the abuse that are so far reaching that it disables the deepest level of your core beliefs and literally changes your identity! It is just never one area that is affected by this abuse, it is our emotional, spiritual, mental, and even our physical world that is seemingly altered forever! Each area requires its own recovery process and the reason why recovering takes a very long time.
Life circumstances will naturally draw you back into the trauma. Something will trigger a horrendous memory and we relive those moments where we were horribly betrayed and taunted by this Narcissistic terrorist who conned us into believing they loved us to extort our life through their cruel and distorted love. There will be those triggers all around us that reignite the trauma from the abuse and we will either run from these situations or put up huge walls to avoid personal contact to avoid being hurt again! It may affect your future relationships and you only question what YOU did wrong and reinforce what the Narcissist told you and that is you were damaged and will always be alone. It is a fear of the hold they still have on you AND our future because of the heinous psychological rape they inflicted on our minds. They are like a ghost that constantly haunts us and reminds us that evil exists out there and almost destroyed us. There is no real closure other than accepting the reality that they are abusers and you were abused by a personality disordered person.
You will more than likely hear that this Narcissist is with someone new and right back to their old tricks and getting away with their abusive crimes again. You may also hear that the Narcissist is succeeding somehow and even believe that this Narcissist is doing so much better than you! No this is the travesty of this abuse and how it has stolen your reasoning and belief system and replaced it with the darkness of a Narcissist. This is not reality – it is the abuse foreshadowing your attempts to think normally and break free. Years of being managed down and abuse has made you vulnerable to returning to a good and normal life that you REALLY deserve and one that is not meant to harm you. A Narcissist is never in a BETTER place, happy, in love, or any of the above – they are abusers and lifeless so they have only found someone new to USE, extort, and objectify – THAT is how they survive or like a tick that needs to feed off of another living organism to survive!
Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally, you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg
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