It’s hard for us to get inside the mind of a parent who is willing to hurt their children by denying them a relationship with their other loving and loved parent. They actively undermine the other parent in the child’s eyes, they tell lies, and they obstruct and damage the relationship as much as they can. If there is an event or date in the diary with the ‘target’ parent, the alienating parent will most likely try to sabotage it or make it difficult. The child learns to work around placating and pleasing the alienating parent. Why? Because the alienating parent is jealous of your relationship with the child and because they want to punish you for triggering in them negative feelings about themselves – any insecurities, fears, and childhood traumas. Or if not negative feelings, it could be an ego wound stemming from narcissistic traits triggered upon separation/divorce and causing angry, arrogant, vengeful behaviours and pathogenic parenting. This is no excuse for their behaviour by some of the reasons they do what they do, which is not in the child’s best interests, only theirs. This is also why it is very difficult/impossible to co-parent with them, even though family courts and counsellors think this is possible and like to advocate for this. Alienating parents have no desire to co-parent, only to erase the other parent from their child’s life until the child believes they act autonomously when they take on the thoughts, beliefs and behaviours of the alienating parent (shared persecutory delusions). This is coercive control, which is abuse. Getting inside the head of the alienator is helpful because it helps us think the unthinkable – that these people will hurt their children to hurt us. And they do it under the guise of love and protection. These behaviours are abusive. It is child psychological abuse and spousal psychological abuse. It is a mental health crisis.
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