Tag: family

When to let go of fake relationships with children?

I left my ex a few years ago. We have 4 kids ages 23,21 and 17 year old twins. I was a stay at home mom for 21 years. My ex throughly alienated my kids, my family and my friends. It was brutal. The worst time of my life. I was alone with everyone I loved on my exes side.

Fast forward a year later and my kids and my family came back to me. They started sharing stories and what my ex was saying didn’t add up. I was beyond thrilled to have my kids and my family back.

It feels fake. We have some great times and have taken weekends away that were so much fun. But it feels fake sometimes. I always feel like I’m walking a fine line, and I am. It’s an ebb and flow sometimes the contact goes for months at a time. Sometimes they pull away. My oldest daughter seems to be the ring leader of when they talk to me and when they don’t. They all come to me when shit hits the fan with their dad and that happens often. Usually involving money.
I’ve set no boundaries because I’m terrified of them leaving again. And they did leave.

A couple of weeks ago my oldest daughter called me in a panic. Her dad bought a dog for her after our divorce and I have never seen the dog before. My ex apparently gave the dog something to eat that it shouldn’t have eaten and the dog began throwing up and wouldn’t stop. She asked her dad yo go to an emergency vet with her and he of course said no, the dog would be fine. She called me and I said I would go with her. The emergency vet bill was over $500 and she made no move to pay for it so I did. I became frustrated and told her that it’s her dad who should pay the bill since he’s the one that made her dog sick. Probably shouldn’t have said that but I did. I am the go to person and provide them with all their clothes, medical appts, school stuff and they don’t live with me. I’m am asked often to buy food for them because there isn’t food in the house they like. I ask myself often why am I buying food for them for their dads house???

Anyway I set some boundaries and tried to explain in a loving way without ever bad mouthing their dad that since they live with him maybe they should ask him to buy food they like and I wasn’t really in a financial position to pay $500 vet bills. (I’m a teacher and my ex makes a ridiculous amount of money) that didn’t go over well and they all stopped talking to me.

My twins birthday was in July and I didn’t get to see them. My mom sent money and gifts and my son who is 17 returned the money and gifts to my mom. My mom didn’t deserve this!

I know for a lot of you, you would love to have any contact and I get that. For me this is almost worse than not having contact. I never know when they will pull away again. It’s a constant roller coaster and every time they leave again it ruins me a little bit more. I’m tired of being the one texting them and telling them I’m sorry and basically begging for them to
come back. This time I haven’t done any of that. I set boundaries that my oldest daughter didn’t like and she (they) walked away.

When does it get better? Should I continue to be a door mat and let them treat me badly so they will be in my life? My therapist said boundaries are great but it sure didn’t work for me. I’m angry. I walked away from their narcissistic dad, I didn’t walk away from them.

To my son’s partner

I lost that precious connection with each son, and there’s plenty of proof of the many fingers in that ” pie “.

Reclamation and Redemption are currently present . Release close at hand .

TO MY SON’S FUTURE PARTNER

It is hard, so hard, to imagine a day where I will not be the moon, the sun and the sky to my little man.

When he is sad, he calls for me.

When he is scared, it’s me he wants.

When he feels excited, I am the one he rushes to tell first.

I am the keeper of his secrets, the finder of anything which is lost and the solver of any known problem in his little world.

I am his everything and he is mine.

One day, you will have the pleasure of being his everything.

One day it will be you that he comes to, and that is, of course, the way it should be.

But I wonder if you will ever think of me sometimes, perhaps let me be the first to share some good news with you – or allow me the honour of pulling you both out of some trouble life may throw at you.

I will be waiting, ready and willing.

I will not meddle or fuss or pull you in opposite directions I promise you that, and should you be blessed with children of your own, there will be no one, no one on this earth who will love them more than I.

The bond between a mother and a son is divine, this much is true, but I wish for him the very same bond with you.

And I pray the circle of love goes on and on and on, much further than me.

After all, that is what I brought him up to do.

Love.

Donna Ashworth

From ‘to the women’

Art by Lore Pemberton #lorepembertonart

#mumtoboys #boymum #mum #parenting

Parenting the Child whose been psychologically abused – Giving up ?

One Mom / Step Mom shares the family situation

Everyone says not to give up on the alienated child. They say the child will come back to the alienated parent one day. We all of course know that this doesn’t always happen, and actually rarely happens at all. They say to continue the messages of love. They say to be understanding and give grace despite what the child says and does. But at what point do you say enough is enough? I understand continuing the messages if your child has just simply gone quiet, but what do you do when the child has seriously set out to hurt your family in any way possible, including hurting your other children?

We did the love bombing for years, it got us nowhere. Our child has been so ugly to us and our children over the last few years since she fell victim to parental alienation. We understand that this is not her fault, but her mother’s, but at the same time, she is almost 18 years old and simply knows better then to treat people, especially those who love her, the way she has. We know that we taught her better then this! It is all so exhausting, as I know you guys all know.

I personally do not feel like I can just look past everything our daughter and her mother have done to hurt our family, the threats that have been made, etc.. As much as I love our child, and understand that this isn’t her as much as it is her mother who has alienated her from us, I feel the blame can not only be placed on the mother. Our daughter has still chosen to do the things she has done, including refusing to even see her siblings that she was once so close to, in over 3 years now. She manipulates any and every situation to get what she wants. The same thing her mother has done her entire life, that she used to absolutely despise about her mother. We just can’t continue on like this. It’s not healthy to us or our other children. So at what point do you say, NO MORE, and just focus on the children you have in the home who need you even more now because of everything their sister and her mother have done?

*the alienated child I speak about is my almost 18 year old step daughter who I’ve been step mom to since she was a year and a half old. We for years were very very close as her mother was physically and mentally abusive. It wasn’t until she became mad at her dad and I for grounding her from her phone for repeatedly lying to us, that her mother stopped physically abusing her and started letting her do what she wanted. We were made into these horrible people because we grounded her. It was that simple of a situation that has led to us now having absolutely no relationship with our daughter for more then 3 years now. All because her dad was being a dad, and neither she nor the mother liked it. We have tried and tried to talk things out, work through issues, but have been refused. My husband has attended therapy with his daughter where he was told that if she didn’t like what he had to say, then she would stop sessions, which she did after 3, 30 minute sessions. She refuses to speak face to face (and her mother refuses to allow it) because through text, my step daughter can be a keyboard warrior and be as mean as she wants, something she wouldn’t do in person. For years and years my step daughter had a horrible relationship with her mother because of the abuse she endured. When they would get into arguments while my step daughter was with us, the mother would refuse to speak about it over the phone or through text. She would always state that they would speak face to face when she got home. But then when the tables turned, we were refused that same courtesy. My husband was told he didn’t need to have his daughter face to face to work through things. Before, when our daughter didn’t want to go for her mom’s parenting time and would be hyperventilating crying, the mother would threaten to call the police and have her committed if she didn’t go. But then again, when the tables were turned and she was refusing to come for our parenting time, it was now, “her choice” and the mother wouldn’t make her “go somewhere she didn’t want to be”. Like what?!? So because SD was now mad at us, pulling away from us, everything changed, so that the mother could again, keep all control.

In court, back in December, the mother blatantly lied over and over to get what she wanted. Stating that my husband had refused all parenting time, that he didn’t care about his daughter’s health and well-being, despite him being the one who had handled all medical appointments. She said he refused to show up for special events for his child, when in reality he was not even told she had said events, like a school pageant she was in where the only way he would have known about said event is if he had been told by his daughter or her mother. The mother had her boyfriend of the week there, but couldn’t be bothered to tell her child’s father. Lie after lie was told. She claimed all this time that she wasn’t breaking the court order because it was the daughter’s decisions, but then why lie about everything to a judge? Why can’t you tell the truth if you’ve done no wrong?

Sorry for the vent, we are just so over all of this. We miss the daughter she used to be. The honest, caring, and sweet daughter she was. Who she is now is not even someone we recognize besides it being identical to her mother. It’s exhausting, and we can’t go on like this. It’s not fair to ourselves or our other children.

Acceptance is Not about Giving Up – Charlie Mc Cready

Acceptance is one of the hardest aspects of dealing with parental alienation. It does not mean that you are giving up, but it does mean that you are getting to grips with what has happened to your relationships with your children.

It’s like a car crash, the wreckage and detritus of a separation or high-conflict divorce. It’s there. It can’t be ignored. Your ex is saying, ‘look what you’ve done!’ Even if they’ve been in the driving seat, they’ll be blaming you. But you are a passenger, you can’t deny it. You need to get to grips with dealing with the wreckage. If your children aren’t ready to leave, if they align with the ‘driver’, the alienating parent, you don’t help them by staying in the wreckage with them. They’re not seeing it like that because, as backseat drivers who have been ‘coached’ by the alienating parent, and maybe this has been a long journey of alienation, they’re scared. They don’t want this drama, they have enough to deal with growing up anyway, and they turn their anger on you, just like they’ve been told to do, to stay ‘safe’ with the aligned/favoured alienating parent. It is a survival tactic.

So, how to accept this? As I say, it’s incredibly difficult. But get yourself out of the wreckage, pick yourself up, and recover yourself and your life. You’re on a different path to the alienating parent. Focus on the things that you have the power to influence or change. If you have contact with your kids, you can adapt your parenting style to better support them through their journey of parental alienation. If you don’t have contact with your kids, that might not be an option, so concentrate on yourself. There are many ways to help with this, and acceptance is one of these. Until you accept the reality of your situation you remain stuck in a limbo that stops you from getting on with your life.

Examples include parents who don’t have normal social and family engagement, preferring to stay at home in case their children reach out to them. How many times have you put your life on hold, and yet they did not contact you? Or they cancelled? Or the alienating parent found somewhere else the child needed to be? Parents stuck in limbo might also not feel good about being happy. Or being in another relationship – even though they’ve not seen their child in years. Give yourself the gift of acceptance. Love your children unconditionally and do everything you can for them within your power. Then accept what you cannot change and ‘let go’ (which is not to quit) of the grief, anger, and sense of injustice. Staring at the wreckage isn’t helping you, or your child. They have to find their way out, just as you did. It starts with acceptance.

#charliemccready #9stepprogram #parentalalienationawareness #parentalalienationisreal #parentalalienation #alienatedmother #alienatedparent #alienatedfather #rejectedparent #rejectedfather #rejectedmother #highconflictcoparenting #coparenting #coparentingwithanarcissist #highconflictdivorce #divorce #FamilyCourt #familylaw #childabuse #narcissisticchildabuse #narcissisticabuseawareness #narcissisticabuserecovery #narcissist #narcissisticabusesurvivor #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder #narcissism #narcissismawareness

Sherrie Campbell PhD

Yes , I have tried to dodge the bullet , on children , but once again , I have experienced inhumane treatment during an especially hard/difficult time , and they have done nothing .. The winner, the champion is the Dad whose treachery continues .

Co owning property , there is business, and I am certain someone else besides him will keep me informed … No change in the way he bends the truth, or how he disrespects me l No accountability for thievery , no remorse .. If anything he’s worse and of course he’s projecting all on me , saying I brought it on myself .

Because our family members are shallow, it would make sense that their well of emotion is also not vast, deep, or all that meaningful. They provoke the easiest emotions in others to abuse such as insecurity, loneliness, or anxiety. The intent is to make us feel more of all of these things.

What they don’t realize, because they are totally blinded by their power to manipulate and control, is that we will simply lose feeling for them. Our toxic family members drain us dry. Over time they become so grotesque to us that we simply cannot feel the same about them anymore.

And for us, it’s over. The door shuts. It does not slam. The door shuts because our denial system can no longer find any hope or reason to stay in the relationship. This is a great place to be, when we can no longer unsee their abuse.

Toxic Families- Respect for the Abuser

Sherrie Campbell PhD

Absolutely true

Highly dysfunctional families have a unilateral definition of respect. Respect in these relationships flows one-way and serves only the most toxic person. Our perpetrating family members feel totally entitled to the utmost respect, even as they are showing zero respect for anyone else.

A difficult habit to break is to stop ourselves from acting act on the impulse to try and win their respect. We want to win their respect because we want to feel that our voice is in equal value to theirs. We desire this because this would be healthy.

When respect is not about loving and honoring another’s voice, but is made to be about one person’s prideful arrogant demands, we must come to understand that this type of disrespect is not a measure of our worth, but rather a sign of their poor character.

Antidepressants, Antipsychotics, and Benzos All Increase Suicide

These drugs are lethal, altering physical health, relationships , all that is natural and normal, often missing the trauma, the abuse, the family dynamics , placing all blame on the individual who is the patient, consumer , target .

In a study of people with borderline personality disorder, only ADHD stimulants were associated with a decrease in suicide.
— Read on www.madinamerica.com/2023/07/antidepressants-antipsychotics-and-benzos-all-increase-suicide-attempts-in-new-study/

Kim Saeed – The grooming of Narcissistic children

I don’t know who needs to see this, but if you share young children with a narcissist, fighting to maintain the family unit can actually backfire on you. While you’re fighting to keep your family intact, or even staying because you think it’s best for your children, the narcissist is grooming, conditioning, and poisoning your children against you.

So then, by the time you actually leave, there’s a very high likelihood that your children (who may be grown at this point), will side with the narcissist, despite the protective measures you tried to put in place.

* I have known this for decades , unfortunately . Our adult children are bonded to their Dad , and have voiced his ugliest , darkest thoughts , and certainly do not treat or talk to be with anything but contempt . He’s had help along the way , in this evilness , but they have faded away .

Still in total denial of being anything but a saint, a survivor , the good guy ….a light is coming to highlight his behavior .