Tag: trauma

Releasing Grief

Pushing people to break agreements or abandon their boundaries for us is not only disrespectful, but an invitation from the wounded self into codependency.

At its root, this is what codependency is, a dance of two wounded souls trying to find a way to get their earlier needs met.

It’s a repetition of the original loss.

The loss of the love that wasn’t available.

It’s the wound that we have so deeply identified with that it has calcified as identity and runs the show.

Our liberation won’t come from finally winning the dance of codependency, but from grieving that we were not loved the way we needed to be.

It will come from grieving that no matter how good we were (are), no matter how much we have healed…that love we crave to be met with still couldn’t be there and it didn’t have anything to do with us.

Grieving the roots of these patterns is what liberates us….not enslaving people into our patterns so that we can “win” what the ego thinks it wants, or finally be “chosen.”

The sky weather is pretty persistent right now that we clean up this age old tension between self and other, separation and union, wound and medicine, codependency vs. interdependent, mature love.

Chiron in Aries asks us to self-actualize away from identification with the wound, but, rather, to alchemize the wound.

Instead of perpetual healing of the wound, to see the wound as the space of our own, inherent creative potential to generate something beautiful from that which cannot be healed.

What we create from that place IS the healing salve we are meant to offer the world.

The sidereal Chiron in Pisces might have us questioning what we can trust, where we can put our faith and what structures or boundaries we need so that we can manage not losing ourselves in the great vastness of being.

What can we trust within ourselves? Others? Life?

In between these two points, is the constellation of Cetus, the Whale, who governs the principle of consecration.

With Chiron here, we might feel a little stuck around being able to consecrate ourselves fully in devotion the higher path of our soul.

We might mistakenly be anointing our wounding and acting from it, placing more faith in the familiarity of codependent patterns, rather than the unknown of ego death from allowing the wound to be transformed into its medicine form.

With the New Moon in Taurus, may we allow ourselves to feel so held in the arms of the earth so that we can finally relax, let go and and rest so that deeper layer of grief we’ve been holding on so tightly can finally release its hold on us.

May we ground the murkiness, release the need to “know,” and let the wisdom of the mystery alive in the body show us what we most need right now to feel safe to come home to the union living within our own hearts.

The ultimate sanctuary worthy of our most devoted consecration.

✍️ Dr. Mia Hetényi

Targeted Parent – It’s not you

If you’re reading my posts, it’s probably and unfortunately, because you’ve noticed that the child you’ve had a previously loving and close, happy relationship with has become very much on the other parent’s ‘side’, things have become more black/white and divided than ever, perhaps even despite your best endeavours. Your children are aligned with them, and they’re starting to turn against you, or already have turned. They’ve started badmouthing, disrespecting, fearing, and/or rejecting you. what’s probably going on is unwarranted, abusive, psychological manipulation by the other parent inducing the child into this alliance. It is not you. It is parental alienation. ⁠

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It is the alienated ‘target’ parent who asks, ‘Is it me?’ ‘Am I the problem in thinking the other parent is the problem?’ The alienating parent does not ask this; they apportion all the blame. In their minds, they’re right. They’re the best. They’re the only one a child needs. They are, of course, deluded. A child needs both parents. A child is better off with more love, not less. More family, not less. Alienating behaviours are entirely selfish, vindictive, manipulative and abusive. The difference between estrangement and parental alienation? Estrangement This is when a child severs contact with their parent for reasons they feel are justifiable. Alienation comes about through the wilful, determined action – and coercive control – of one parent against the other, which is unjustified. ⁠

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The ‘target’ parent (not the alienating one) asks: ‘How can I make things right?’ and ‘Could I have done better?’ In hindsight, had we known about ‘parental alienation’ before it happened to us, we would have been better prepared (maybe – it would still be challenging, heartbreaking and abusive). Nothing you could have done differently is likely to have made any difference at all. The only way it would have been prevented is not to be involved with a person who has personality disorders (such as narcissistic traits) or unresolved issues that typically got triggered (by conflict, separation, divorce). You didn’t know what they were capable of doing – hurting their child to hurt, control, and/or punish you. Forgive yourself. You had done your best in extremely difficult circumstances you did not see coming. It’s usually already happening for some time by the time it’s visible to us – though often not to others, especially because the child becomes enmeshed, aligned, and trauma-bonded. Alienating behaviours involve emotional manipulation, false narratives, coercive control, triangulation, gaslighting, virtue signalling, the silent treatment, cognitive dissonance, shared persecutory delusions, projection, and hostile, aggressive parenting, and it is an attachment pathology and psychological, emotional and financial abuse. It is child psychological abuse too. It is not you.

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Cannot beg for love…

Begging for love is not my thing . I did beg , for marriage, and family

even as toxic as it was ..I was medicated to the gills, afraid , and holding

all the energy of an addict .

I knew after a time, I would never , ever find myself in that place again

and I have not .. I will not walk that back .

I’m not hard to love , as a few folks have tried to imprint upon me , or

suggest I’m competition.. with my child ? Nope .

Trauma and Drama , Control do not interest me at all.