Tag: Children

Adult Estranged Children- Julie Ventura Plagens

One of the hardest parts of estrangement is the silence. So many parents are left wondering, “Why didn’t they tell me why?” The truth? There’s usually more going on beneath the surface than we realize.

Here are a few possibilities to consider:

  1. They didn’t have the tools to explain their pain.
    Some adult children carry hurt for years but never find the words. What feels sudden to us may have been building inside them for a long time. While pop culture (social media, counselors) may be pushing for an estrangement, the simmering resentments (the bullet) was already in the loaded gun. They just helped to pull the trigger.
  2. They didn’t feel heard.
    They might have tried to speak up in the past—and felt dismissed or misunderstood. Think about the arguments you’ve had over the years. That is when they told you what was wrong. Eventually, they gave up and stopped trying to tell you. It was just easier to stop arguing and get peace.
  3. They fear conflict because they constantly lose.
    Not everyone is equipped to have hard conversations. Some people avoid confrontation entirely, even if it means disappearing. I hated conflict and ran from it. It felt safer than dealing with it, as it always turned out to be my fault.
  4. They needed space to breathe and heal.
    Leaving without a word may be less about punishing and more about self-protection. For whatever reason, the relationship had become too hard to deal with, so they just left. For me, it was akin to lightening the load on a ship during a storm to keep the whole thing from sinking.
  5. They’re still sorting it out.
    They may not fully understand their own reasons yet for leaving. Sometimes people leave to process, not to close the door forever. Over time, they feel shame about rekindling the relationship as time got away.

These were all reasons why I left, although I couldn’t articulate them at the time. Your adult child probably can’t either. They just know the leaving Is the quick relief from pain.

You Can’t Force Reconnection—But You Can Do This

If you’re estranged from your child, I know how much it hurts. The silence, the confusion, the helplessness—it can feel unbearable.

And while you may not be able to fix that relationship right now, you can work on the ones you still have.

Here’s the hard truth I had to face:
My unhealthy patterns didn’t just affect my relationship with my parents. They showed up in other relationships, especially my marriage. And then with my adult children. (One tried to leave)

Do you find yourself…
Trying to control outcomes? Even get revenge when it doesn’t go your way?
Manipulating conversations without realizing it?
Wallowing in self-pity or constantly blaming others?
Obsessing over every detail of what went wrong? Ruminating?

Do you have addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, lying, or something else? This is a destroyer of relationships across the board.

For me, it all traced back to childhood trauma. I had felt so out of control growing up that, as an adult, I tried to control everything—especially my relationships. Core issue: I did not trust God or believe he was good. And I medicated with self-pity, blaming, food (sugar), rumination, victim mentality, etc. As long as it was everyone else, I didn’t have to look at myself or change.

It wasn’t until I started healing that initial pain that I could begin to clean up my side of the street. It was late in life. I left my family when I was 40. (No social media then.) And my adult child almost left when I was 53ish. We were all Christians. (I was a preacher’s kid.) Something had to change; I was a common denominator.

You can’t force your child back into your life… but you can continue to see what is popping up in current relationships.

And here’s the beautiful part: You have power.
When you begin to identify and change how you interact with people, it shifts how others interact with you. Yes, you can only change yourself. No one else. Blaming kept me stuck.

And here’s something to hold onto:
Even if your adult child has gone quiet, they might still be watching. I know I did. I asked people about my parents. I kept tabs from afar.

Eventually, there is the stage of accepting whatever the outcome is. Peace in that you have done everything you can on your side. If you are already there, I applaud you. God sees you and knows your heart. Most of all, He loves you.

Alienation & extended Famlies

“We often talk about how alienation cuts off one relationship. But in reality the truth is, it severs an entire family line. It has no mercy as it leaves parents without their children. It also leaves grandparents sitting by their windows, flipping through old photo albums, wondering what they did to deserve this treatment.

Remembering all those bedtime hugs, the silly stories, and backyard adventures that came to such a sudden end.If you ask any alienated grandparent, they’ll likely say: “I never thought I’d ever become a stranger to the child I once held in my arms as a baby.”

Now, ask the parents, and most of them will tell you: “I never imagined my own mother or father would lose their grandchild because someone I once trusted decided to destroy everything because of me.”

The saddest part? The alienator isn’t satified with severing just one bond—they tear through entire generations. They conciously choose to rewrite the family story. They turn family closeness into distance, and loving memories into something that hurts too much to remember.

Still, both the parents and grandparents hold on. They keep the birthday cards safely tucked away in drawers. In their mind’s eye, they remember the favorite colors, or the silly sayings, and the way a child’s head once rested under their chin.

Just like the parents who still hear the words, “I love you, Dad,” or, “Don’t let me go, Mom.”

For those living through this, you know that this pain doesn’t just come and go. Instead, it follows you everywhere. Into the grocery store, where another child looks just like yours. Into every holiday season, where an empty chair sits at the table. Even into your nightly dreams, where the reunion plays out perfectly, until you wake up to the same numbing silence you’ve been carrying for months, and sometimes years.

Yet… we still hope. That’s what so many don’t understand. Even after all the unanswered calls, all the doors that were slammed shut on us, all the letters marked “Return to Sender,” we still hope.

We hold onto the possibility of one more chance.

One more knock on the door.

One more opportunity to say, “I never stopped loving you.”

To the alienated grandparents out there, I want to say this: You’re not forgotten. The grief you feel is real. Your love still matters. That special place you held in your grandchild’s life should never have been taken from you.To the parents who are still hanging on: Don’t ever let go.

You’re not weak for caring. You’re certainly not foolish for loving. After all, you’re a parent, and that’s what we do.

To those reading this who’ve never lived through this kind of emotional torture: Please know this kind of silence doesn’t happen by accident. It’s designed.. It’s the product of manipulation, control, and the belief that love should have limits. Maybe one day, the door will open again. Maybe a child, or a grandchild will ask the question that begins to undo all the lies that were told.”

Until then, we wait in the wings… together

✍️ David Shubert

Complex Post Traumatic Stress in children

Parental alienation and complex trauma are closely linked — understanding this connection is key when supporting affected children.

📌 Parental Alienation (PA)

Occurs when one parent (or another adult) influences a child to reject or fear the other parent without valid reasons. This is often done through:
• Badmouthing the other parent
• Limiting contact
• Creating false narratives
• Inducing guilt for loving the other parent

📌 Complex Trauma

Refers to prolonged or repeated interpersonal trauma, especially in childhood. It typically involves harm from caregivers or trusted adults and leads to deep disruptions in:
• Attachment
• Emotional regulation
• Identity formation
• Trust and relationships

🎈 How Parental Alienation Causes Complex Trauma

PA is not a single event — it is a chronic pattern of emotional manipulation. This can:
• Undermine attachment bonds: The child loses a healthy relationship with a loving parent.
• Create identity confusion: Children are forced to reject a part of themselves connected to the alienated parent.
• Induce chronic stress: The child lives with anxiety, fear, guilt, and conflicting loyalties.
• Distort reality: Manipulation warps the child’s sense of what is true and trustworthy.
• Isolate the child: They may feel emotionally alone or unable to trust others.

🚩 Signs of Complex Trauma in Alienated Children
• Emotional dysregulation (outbursts, numbness, mood swings)
• Anxiety or depression
• Low self-esteem
• Difficulty trusting others
• Dissociation or memory issues
• Self-blame or guilt
• Identity problems (confusion about who they are or where they belong)

🌟 Why It Matters

Recognising that PA is a form of complex trauma helps shift the focus from just “custody disputes” to child protection and therapeutic intervention. Without help, the trauma effects can last well into adulthood.

🛠 Supporting Affected Children
• Trauma-informed therapy
• Restoring safe, loving relationships
• Validating the child’s feelings and experiences
• Addressing the manipulation and helping rebuild reality-based thinking
• Educating schools and professionals to understand PA as a trauma issue

Laura Delango Children under the influence of psychiatry

I cried this morning as I thought about the depth of the violations we face as mental patients, especially those of us who were psychiatrized as children and teens. To have psychoactive chemicals coursing through our veins every minute of every day through our most formative years… The years when we’re meant to be figuring out who we are, what our bodies mean and how they work, what we believe in, who and what we’re drawn to, what drives us, what matters… There are no words to describe what this means, what this really means, for not just us in our own individual lives, but for American society. For the entire world. No words.

But let me now say this: though the despair swept over me this morning and I cried for a while, it wasn’t long for the deep faith that churns at the very core of my being to reemerge. For while they may have taken our bodies, our minds, our sexuality, our creativity, our passion and our sense of connection to self and world through our years of psychiatrization– our entire identities, enslaved to them– they never, no matter how hard they may have tried, came close to touching the fire of human spirit that burns in each and every one of us, and it is this– this fire of second chances, of awakening, of perseverance and determination– that fuels the process of healing and reclamation that we are all going through as ex-mental patients, together.

We have many grave doctor-induced physiological injuries to heal from: our guts are shot, our cognition sputtering, our muscles aching and our bodies stuck in fight or flight; the overwhelm and fatigue and terror and angst and panic and despair and numbness and paranoia; all those terrifying moments of feeling possessed or occupied by thoughts and sensations that are strangers to us… There’s no doubt about it: our central nervous systems, these intricate beautiful biologies that forge the seats of our souls, have been gravely harmed by the pharmaceutical bomb of so-called “care”. But we. Will. Heal. We are, already, healing. We will keep healing, until we feel fully settled into the potential for life that they took from us for all those years, but were far too weak to forever hold onto.

I have healed so much, already, nearly six years off. Every day I am blown away by this fact– by the continuous unfoldings of awakening that make themselves known to me day in, day out. I am transformed, and transforming, continuously. I feel powerful, and awake. Sensitized so acutely to life that it sears me with pain as it fills me with joy. And the more I wake up, the more it hurts. I despair, every day, at the fact of what happened to me and to so many of you. What’s happening, as I write these words, to so many millions of our fellows out there.

There’s more healing for my body to do — plenty more, I know, though this is now an exciting instead of daunting fact to think about — and though the dark cloud of pain and despair often moves through me, I always find myself afterwards, on the other side, sitting once again in the bright beautiful awareness that I am coming alive– that we, together, are coming alive, more and more every day. Our bodies are regenerating themselves, right down to every last cell.

To my comrades out there– today, I think especially of those of you who lost your childhood and adolescence to the Mental Health Industry– hang on. Let those clouds of despair and fear sweep over you and move through. Know that that bright beautiful awareness of aliveness is waiting patiently within you, and will emerge in due course, whether five minutes from now or further down the road of time. Together, we are reclaiming our bodies, our minds, and our lives. And together, we are building a future in which growing up and being alive in this world is no longer something to modify or “treat”. A future in which we no longer turn to professionals and pill bottles to navigate our pain, but instead, to each other. We’ve started, already.