Charlie Mc Cready – Social Services

It is tragic that social services etc in this case, and so many others, are so concerned about the alienating parent’s mental health, that they sacrifice the child’s and the target parent’s. The child has finally come to a teacher saying they’re afraid to go home, that their parent is ‘trouble’ and yet this isn’t seen as an opportunity for the ‘target’ parent to step in because that will upset the alienating parent. It’s madness. Of course, the child will probably be saying they don’t want to go to the alienated parent’s home because they fear the retribution, and also they’ve been programmed to believe this is not good for them either (for many reasons that have been imprinted on them). It is incredibly sad that this isn’t an opportunity to mend the relationship with the non-abusive parent. Social services try to do their best, but it is based on false information and a child who has been enmeshed, trauma bonded and psychologically abused.

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Coming to terms with the pathology of CPA & PA – Charlie Mc Cready

Parents who become alienated (not estranged, alienation is rejection with no justification), from their previously loving children benefit from coming to terms with the pathology. This is to understand the root causes of the problem. We often find we cannot rely on the mental health and legal services offered. If they don’t have an understanding of ‘parental alienation’ it can be a waste of your time and and resources, and potentially exacerbate the situation. That is unfortunate and I hope things will change, but as I write, this is the situation we’re in. There are a number of reasons for this which I often address, but that’s not what this post is about. ⁠

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Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is often recommended during adversarial court cases. It was originally designed for people with borderline personality disorder, and it focuses on teaching emotional management, enhancing interpersonal relationships, and developing mindfulness techniques. Incorporating acceptance and change strategies, DBT emphasises the balance between self-acceptance and personal growth, which is particularly helpful for people struggling with emotional regulation, self-destructive behaviours, and unstable relationships. Where there’s a dearth of empathy and potential for cruel behaviours (in the alienated parent or the children), Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) could be integrated. They are often dealing with the drama, disruption and chaos created by a borderline/narcissistic/dark personality, alienating parent. CFT helps those who are trying to cope with shame, guilt, and self-loathing. It can rewire the shared delusional beliefs imposed on them through the alienating behaviours. It incorporates mindfulness too for stress reduction. ⁠

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Navigating the complexities of parental alienation isn’t easy, but through the application of therapeutic approaches like DBT and CFT, there’s a path toward fostering healing and understanding. Also through my 9-step program or 1-2-1 private coaching, alienated parents can work toward restoring the bond with their children, building resilience, and a more positive future.⁠

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Apps to monitor communication between parents ? Charlie Mc Cready

There are several apps and platforms that family court lawyers may recommend to parents involved in custody battles to facilitate communication and monitor interactions related to their children. Features may include secure messaging, shared calendars, and document storage. The idea is to improve communication and reduce conflict after divorce or separation, especially in cases where there are disagreements over contact and custody. It’s supposed to include communication from grandparents and other family members, as well as parents and children, connecting all important information in one secure place. Abusive texts are monitored. It’s supposed to make life harder for the abusive parent, to check their tone, their language, or their lack of communication, but for many, a ‘tonemeter’ is an extra fee. The children have access, but there are safeguards in place so they can’t see communication between their parents. A Family Court Advisor undertaking a Section 7 report, or a mediator, or a childcare worker, can also have access. ⁠

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Some users may find the app to be helpful in facilitating communication and document sharing between co-parents, while others may have concerns about its cost and functionality. There are many complaints, with some people saying the software inverted who owes whom what. Others have said it’s near impossible to cancel renewals. Nobody answers phones. It’s generally said that the only reason anyone uses this software is because of court orders to do so. Most reviews seem to agree it’s all a waste of time and money. It’s a pity they’re not better. What do you think? ⁠

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Charlie McCready – Parental Alienation – not personal

I’ve come to understand that this isn’t about me personally; it’s a deeply rooted attachment pathology, and complex family dynamic involving disordered parenting. It’s spiralled into a situation where my child’s thoughts, beliefs and behaviours have been significantly influenced – trauma-bonded, coercively controlled, emotionally manipulated. Learning about this has helped me see the bigger picture, though I am working on my sense of isolation, frustration, injustice, and of course the grief. There’s nothing like it. People say it’s like a ‘living bereavement’ and that’s so true. It seems people don’t truly understand this unless they’ve been through it, and alienated parents are united in feeling let down by the mental health and family court system. ⁠

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Still, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned not to react to the hurtful behaviour anymore. Sometimes, I catch myself just shaking my head, thinking, ‘Oh, this again.’ It’s like recognising a pattern. I remind myself that ‘this too will pass.’ My focus now is on maintaining my love for my child, even if they can’t see it right now. Detaching with love has become my way of preserving our bond through this difficult time. Nobody can take the love I have for my child away from me. Nothing and no one. ⁠

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Conscious parenting plays a significant role here. It’s about recognising the importance of my child’s emotional well-being even when they may not fully comprehend it themselves. So, I make an effort to create a safe and loving space for them whenever/should they ever walk through my door. My door, and my heart, are open. I don’t let their negative behaviour dictate my response. Instead, I model the behaviour I want them to see—unconditional love, patience, and understanding. It’s challenging, but it’s also empowering because I believe this will help me and it will help my child heal when they’re ready. ⁠

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Charlie Mc Cready – Punishment via the parent / Alienator

I think this post is pretty self-explanatory for those of us who know what this is all about. The alienator is quite capable of telling us we actually have no children anymore, we don’t deserve to see them, we’re no good …. and the reason? They want to punish us, and through doing this are quite willing to punish the children by doing all they can to remove a loving, willing, available parent from their life, from their positive thinking and beliefs, and from as much involvement as possible. These alienators are not mentally healthy. This is not the behaviour of a loving parent, or a person of sound mind. It doesn’t bring our children back to know this, but it is always worth remembering the pathology and that the problem lies with the alienator and not the child. Even though the child is coercively controlled to behaving in ways that align them with the alienating parent, it was not their choice (that’s estrangement and in some ways part of the ‘cutting the ties’ that is a right of passage), because children ideally want a good relationship with all their family, both their parents and not just the bullying, alienating, controlling one.

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Forgiveness – Charlie Mc Cready

Loving our enemies doesn’t mean condoning their harmful actions or allowing them to continue hurting us, our children, or anyone. The ‘turning the other cheek’ philosophy is about not reacting to abuse with abuse and retaliation. Mahatma Gandhi’s quote, “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind,” describes the consequences of how perpetuating a cycle of destructiveness and revenge doesn’t end well for anyone. But don’t our governments get away with warmongering in the name of peace and letting people (such as in Maui recently) go without the support they might expect and have already paid for in their tax dollars? Yes, but no. It’s not a case of forgiving them because they don’t know what they’re doing. Abusers (alienating parents/governments) often know precisely what they’re doing and don’t care. Abusers come dressed up in the guise of caring protectors. They try to fool us and control us, but we see them. Eyes wide open, though there’s usually much more that they invest much time and energy in keeping hidden. Martin Luther King Jr. also said, “A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defence than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.” We don’t passively accept what they do, but we are more robust and more powerful for responding to mistreatment with non-abusive and non-retaliatory actions, which would probably make things worse and hurt us even more.⁠
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Loving your enemy doesn’t preclude seeking justice for yourself and your children. You can advocate for fair treatment and hold them accountable for their actions while still approaching the situation with compassion. Putting someone in prison for an offence is more compassionate than the death sentence because punishment often worsens the situation. It can exacerbate the anger, malfunction and injustice they already feel. Angry people intent on controlling and harming others from their place of fear and lack of love) will not get better with punitive action. It isn’t restorative.⁠
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Another phrase encapsulates this is: ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’

Understanding why they’re disordered, selfish and vengeful (alienating parents) helps us. We don’t love what they do! But we all have the capacity for mistakes, and perpetuating negativity doesn’t help anyone. Least of all our children. I know this is a tough one to get our heads around. It’s easier to respond in kind, with anger, vengeful thoughts, and pain. But instead of perpetuating hatred and harm, we can create a world where understanding and compassion lead to healing and transformation, both for ourselves and those we may perceive as enemies. In finger-pointing and blame, there is no peace.

charliemccready #9stepprogram

The Alienated Abused Child is stuck in a matrix – Charlie Mc Cready

An alienated child has been coached to see one parent (the favoured/alienating one), as good and the other (the target parent) as bad. They align with the good and reject the bad. The child cannot bear to hear the words ‘parental alienation’ and will angrily and defensively reject this idea. I know this from personal experience. It’s a mistake. It doesn’t help us to tell them of their alienation. It just adds fuel to the fire. But how can it possibly make things better for ‘the bad parent’ to say ‘bad things’ about their influencing ‘good parent’? All the defences will go up. They’ve been in the trenches. It feels real. They’ve been put in a warzone. They bear the wounds. It’s too much for them to think their ‘reality’ needs reviewing and unpicking. They were doing their best to survive. Trying to tell a child in this unbearable situation that they were put there by their apparently loving, aligned, ‘good’ parent, makes them feel attacked. This doesn’t help or heal anybody. It doesn’t heal your relationship, which is what you want. It is a ‘handle with care’ situation because of the abuse they (and you) have suffered at the hands of the parental alienator. What we need to do is remove the reason for their defensive behaviour. Don’t give them ‘ammo’ and try to avoid talking about ‘parental alienation’ or anything associated with it. Be there with your white flag. Peaceful. Loving. Non-reactive. Be the healthy, sane parent. If they continue rejecting you based on the unreal fiction in their mind, and when you’ve done nothing other than being the target parent (suffering spousal psychological abuse to their child psychological abuse), we wait for them to wake up to the truth. It is far easier to stay in the dark ‘unreality’ of the alienating narratives they heard for so long. But when they truly become independent-minded, if they can step out of the ‘matrix’, they can start to heal and see you in the right, true light.

#enmeshment

#coercivecontrol

#rejectedparent

#parentalalienation

#cognitivedevelopment

#parentalalienationawareness

#alienatedchild

#fathersrights

#mothersrights

Charlie Mc Cready

An alienated parent experiences profound emotional turmoil, feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place. They are often isolated from their child due to the alienating tactics of the other parent, which can lead to overwhelming loneliness and confusion. The deep sense of loss, akin to a ‘living bereavement’, encompasses not just the physical absence of their child but also the loss of the once-strong emotional bond. The alienated parent feels helpless, unable to protect their child from further harm, and may experience anguish and betrayal as their child parrots negative statements from the alienating parent.⁠

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To navigate this hugely difficult situation, alienated parents can seek support through counselling to express their emotions, develop coping strategies, and gain perspective. In the case of the coaching I do, we often work in small groups, which can be incredibly supportive and/or one-to-one work. Prioritising self-care, both physically and emotionally, is crucial. Learning about parental alienation, maintaining boundaries, and considering legal recourse when necessary can empower. Focusing on reconciliation rather than retaliation when interacting with alienated children is crucial. Recognising and addressing these complex emotions is the first step toward healing and potentially rebuilding the parent-child relationship. ⁠

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These daily posts are here to spread awareness, inform and (where possible) uplift. But don’t hesitate to contact me directly if I can help you with coaching. There’s more information on my website. ⁠

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Parental Alienation

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Parental Alienation is a “ Dark Art “ Charlie Mc Cready

A “dark art” typically refers to a skill, practice, or technique that is perceived as secretive, manipulative, or unethical, often used to achieve a hidden or harmful agenda. Parental alienation could be considered a “dark art” because it involves one parent deliberately manipulating and influencing a child to reject or distance themselves from the other parent. This process often involves psychological tactics, emotional manipulation, and even outright lies to create a negative perception of the targeted parent. It’s secretive in nature, aiming to erode the child’s relationship with the other parent through tactics that can be harmful to the child’s emotional well-being and the overall family dynamic. The term “dark art” reflects the covert and harmful nature of such behaviours in the context of parental alienation.⁠
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Don’t Ignore Negative Behaviors in Sons | Psychology Today

Parents should do the opposite when they hear: “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine.”
— Read on www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/spotlight-on-special-education/202310/dont-ignore-negative-behaviors-in-sons