I want to remind parents to take care of yourselves, don’t let this trauma captivate you.
Our lives are journeys of discovery, don’t allow this current dark focus on loss to captivate your reaching and your journey of discovery.
Your support coaches have many ways of framing it, my analogy is; when your child is in quicksand it doesn’t help for you to jump in the quicksand too, trying to rescue the child… then you’re both stuck. You have to stand solidly on the ground and hold out your hand to rescue the child.
Will the child take your hand? No, not yet. Just keep it there, available.
And yes, actually the child will take your hand… depending. But we’ll talk about that later. Grasping is not the path, relaxing is the path. Dorcy refers to it as changing how you “show up,” but changing how you show up so that the child sees and takes your hand is hard, because there are fears blocking the way, but it’s actually easy because it’s simply finding your authentic center, which is always there.
Fears can be relaxed, and bonds restored.
Trauma adds “extreme” descriptors, and recovery involves deescalating from false “extremes” into normal-range reality.
I’m a clinical psychologist from trauma world, so I’m well practiced in bringing down the escalation. Parents aren’t. You’re just normal people, so when the trauma pathogen manifests in anger, chaos, crisis, and “extreme” – normal people don’t know how to respond – because trauma pathology alters normal.
First thing to know, trauma escalation is contagious, it spreads to the care providers, to teachers, to everyone… the intensity and “crisis” and “extreme” qualities of situations. It is a false layer added to reality, but everyone gets all caught up in the emotional intensity – the contagion is well known to us in trauma clinical psychology.
So what we do as clinical psychologists in trauma world, is we bring calm and confident center to counter-act the instability felt by the others who are spinning (destablized; dysregulated). The trauma-informed clinical psychologist remains stabilized in reality, not the hyper-escalation of nonsense.
Dorcy has wonderful terms for some of the major skills in this process – two of the best skills are no-response-necessary (NRN) and allowing the child to “empty their container of garbage” into your trash container… and then you take out the trash.
If you track and understand what Dorcy’s communicating with these concepts, it will help you significantly in understanding the core of a trauma-informed approach, and can help you to remain grounded when trauma flips the world upside-down.
The child is dysregulated (that’s my psychology word for Dorcy’s “garbage”) and needs the parent to remain grounded (that’s your trash bucket; you being grounded in your center, that’s your “container”). Avoid the emotional contagion of “extreme” and remain centered (NRN) and allow the child to reorient and become grounded to your stability and your grounding.
It doesn’t help when the child starts to spin (Dorcy’s wonderful word for it) – if you start to spin too. Then we just have everybody bouncing around in unmanaged chaos. We need someone to stop spinning. You’re the parent, it’s you.
The trauma pathogen is in the attachment networks of the allied parent (a constellated group of damaged information structures in the attachment system). This trauma pathogen creates “crazy-making” behavior from the parent that creates “crazy-behavior” in the child (substitute dysregulated for crazy to get the professional description).
This process of crazy-making behavior from a parent (dysregulating making behavior from the parent) that creates crazy-behavior (dysregulated behavior) in the child is called pathogenic… creating pathology. Pathogenic parenting is creating pathology in the child. That’s what’s happening. The distorted parenting of the allied parent is creating severe “dysregulation” (“spinning”; “emotional garbage”) in the child.
We want to help the child re-stabilze, but we’ve got all this de-stabilizing “emotional garbage” in the child from the other parent’s distorted parenting. What do we do?
Well, first, don’t escalate with the child. We need someone calmly and confidently in reality. That’s you. Sucks for you, but your the parent, and we need someone to remain confidently anchored in reality.
When the child starts spinning (dysregulation), hold out your container for them to deposit their nonsense that they’ve had downloaded from the other parent, close your container, take it outside and empty it. You don’t hold the nonsense, and the child doesn’t hold the nonsense. But we’ve gotta get the nonsense out somehow.
That’s where mindful parenting comes in. It’s a way for us to remain grounded in reality when stuff around starts to spin (usually from some unprocessed trauma somewhere).
Since spinning (dysregulation) happens from unprocessed trauma, that explains the child’s spinning because of the allied parent’s unprocessed trauma. The unprocessed trauma (emotional garbage) of the allied parent is being transferred to the child through distorted parenting practices. When the child downloads the parent’s emotional garbage (trauma pathogen), the child starts to spin (dysregulate).
The child brings you the pathogen (the emotional garbage) and you start spinning too (you become dysregulated) because… the emotional garbage (the trauma pathogen) creates dysregulation and chaos – that’s what it does, it is a psychological-emotional process born in trauma and abuse – it is chaotic and disorganized and adds “extreme” to everything.
You’re the chosen parent. Sorry, sucks for you. We can’t rely on the other parent, the child is a spinning child, they can’t get out of it on their own. Please don’t start spinning too (becoming dysregulated).
Why do chosen parents start to spin? That… is a very productive question. That’s what Higher Purpose Parenting is about. Mindful parenting helps significantly in keeping us grounded and avoiding the “contagion” of co-trauma-spinning, where everybody in the room is bouncing off the walls in chaos, emotionality, and “extremes.”
But, for solution… don’t worry about solution. Oooo, so zen. Mindfulness.
Focus on self-stabilization, self-grounding, self-growth into your center of authenticity. That’s why we need you to take care of yourself. We need you to be grounded in a mindful and centered place so when your child brings you the trauma-pathogen from the allied parent, the pathogen doesn’t destabilize you as well and then everybody start to spin (becomes dysregulated).
Parenting is not about what we do, it’s about who we are. There are limited solutions by changing what we do to the child, there are powerful solutions by changing who we are with the child… how we “show up.”
There’s the key to that locked doorway.
From the pathology, it appears the solution is on the outside, to be found in altering the distorting influence and bad parenting of the allied narcissistic-borderline parent, and that’s true, but that’s not actually entirely true. We can get there from outside solutions, and we’re definitely going to be doing that. It is up to professional psychology to make this stop, and we will be doing that.
There’s also an inside path to solution. That’s the path I’m talking about now, through the chosen healthier parent finding your authentic core, your center of trust and love in yourself, to stabilize you, the healthier parent, in the upside-down world of trauma. When you hold out your hand to the child, be… mindful… of your hand you offer. Mindful parenting from a place of healthy you.
There are… inside… ways to stabilize the distortions and dysregulation (the spinning) in the child. Start by not co-spinning. Find ground; mindful parenting. NRN – allow the dump of emotional garbage into your trash container, take the trash outside and dispose of it.
If you get triggered and start to spin (Dorcy), look to yourself (there’s skills to do that) and identify the triggers, recover your center and help stabilize the child from your grounded center.
The inside way starts with you stabilizing yourself. Which means allowing yourself to escape the captivation of the trauma pathogen being brought into your family by the other parent. Find your path of self-discovery, your journey, magical and wonderful.
Emotional contagion is a feature of trauma. Take a deep breath. Mindful parenting. Centered and relaxed. Confident in the ground of our center.
Craig Chidress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857
Many ways to do so, plus an awareness of what depletes brain.
One benefit of being on Lithium Carbonate , was increased
brain cell growth. Down side , it’s a metal, to which I am
highly allergic, thus toxic to my body.
Adverse symptoms , met with a prescription change to a
” coated” version of same Lithium to make gut more
abled to assimilate ..Didn’t hear me, it was horrific,
and so research the many ways to nourish and produce
cells for brain health .. hydrate , hydrate , hydrate ..
Researchers show for the first time that healthy older men and women can generate just as many new brain cells as younger people.
— Read on www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180405223413.htm
Joyfully, I surrender to the full acceptance
of my mystical, old soul stuff that has been
allowed to develop in positive and negative,
shadow and light , and ever evolves , for
which I am blessed beyond measure.
I see for many; my actual eyes are those of Dad,
Minnie Zola , Aunt Faye , Uncle Joe that I can
think of .. Middle son favors my family side
Harper favors him …Trials and tribulations have
been unveiling themselves , winding down
fake news , or no news to often perceived
or envisioned realities , enough signs from
all manner of ancestral and earth bound folks
that create such peace and belief , that we are
bound for glory in this life on this planet , for
that is why we are here..And we are getting ‘er
done ✔️. This has been a long time coming
folks , all is with us..
Look for the helpers , ala Mr Rodgers , and see
the many shades and hues , in reconnecting
with Mother Earth , surrender to rise beyond
a limited life ; rise to be united in truth, light,
true liberty , and justice/balance , and respect for
the laws of the universe . Cosmic love ❤️
has transformed so many and populated a “force”of
nature , that naturalizes positive , and neutralizes
negative , that we better meet in the middle ,
internally as well as externally .
For each of those so willing to exit , and return
to better assist , Thank You! I am one of you.
Visions are mine , in my mystical inheritance
ever more so…All is well with my soul and I
urge this reunion for each soul waiting to
receive . Reunite , safely with your fragmented
parts , not damaged, not mentally ill, but trauma
which was and still is an epidemic , at this
time being thwarted by light, by fact . Many
have , as well as I , and offer our ” cliff notes”
that more ease , and organic the quest,
it is revealed by just being . I am dedicated
to joy and benevolence as I spend these dormant
months in service, to self …thus you who wish
to receive .. even 1, ONE, fills my cup ♥️🙏🏼😘
👁 I can see for miles , The Who
Birds of Heaven
The greatest of these is ♥️
Many folks are exposed to trauma, and it’s accepted
as ” normal” , or anything but what it is , and for the
sake of all concerned this is worthy of transforming
Emergency dispatchers are often exposed to duty-related trauma.
— Read on www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201709/trauma-exposure-linked-ptsd-in-911-dispatchers
My ” mom/dad” , nurturing Dad , James , who exited
in January 2012, and whose birthing day was January
5 th , 1930. I was born Feb 29 , 1952, his desire for a son
first time child with Mom, Joyce . Mom had a daughter
who was born on Feb 29th 1948, whom was 1 year
old at the time of their marriage March 4 th 1949
In 1951, Mom was rejected by OB as being in labor
and spontaneously delivered Joyce Marie in 1951,
who had died and begun signs of decomposing
Dad explained . Blisters on her body , which is
buried , unmarked in the ancestral church grave
I was born in 52, and I’m sure Mom had C-PTSD
and my inability to nurse ,regrettably created
more grief and shame . I had to be returned to the
hospital , severely dehydrated , 5 days after birth.
Dad explained that Mom’s had been unable to
nurture me, and if he had not nurtured me
no one else would have .
I was very happy to have the awareness that he
was slipping away , slowly and we talked of
heart matters and cleared so much , that lacked
only his being made aware , as I did from child
hood on. One pop from his belt , left one mark
and I stood up to him at that time , aged 4/5
and he never ever used physical violence
He may not have understood me , always but
he wasn’t vicious , or silently withdrawn , we
cleared our stuff and moved onward , never
brought up again.
His last years , were of lifting from a depression
of Mom’s exit in 1999. His restricted life was
a form of self protection , and withdrawal from
family members he came to be reunited with
his last years..The last 5 1/2 months , were high
low and everything between, until his finale .
The growth , the healing, the love as well
as undeniable realities , will lend themselves
to my efforts in transformation , as I witnessed
denial of dignity , and much adverse action
that’s is barbaric . I grasp that it was after-all his
his journey , and I was but a part of it.
The dynamics allowed me to understand my
” caregiving ” was and is instinctive , and
more on mark than not , and the Divinity
and Light of my essence was always tested
in a family , that’s fractured traumatic parts
are denied , and that allowed my poor choices
and failures to escape the mindset of energy
of compliance to abuse in male dominate
examples, ie ” former” ..
I’m not the ” fixer” , it’s not my job , but the
experience of being with Dad as he exited
watching his awareness of spirit guides
and his acceptance , as I witnessed his ” labor”
in returning to the womb of the great mother
my joy was absolute for I knew he would return
as he has in spirit. Our circle , will not be
broken, and he will present in another form,
as he pledged to me , and I to him , as “family
soul mates ” , I His ” Mom, and emotional partner
who grasped his deepest joy and pain, as it
came up in loudness, or harshness or anger ,
his lack of understanding , helplessness
and yes his failings and unhealed trauma ..
We nurtured each other , and it wasn’t grasped
in a dynamic of not communication basic life
issues , and silently approved of disenchantments
and divisions within families .
With Dad’s exit , I stepped away from ” family”
withholders, and abuses that defy what my
perception of family is..
Certainly many ” triggered” acts that related to
” formers” disposal/abuses as if from a play book,
and finally much can be put to rights .
And that gift 🎁, from Dad to me, was not to give
up.. truth and light did , and still do cast away
shadows ; James (supplementor) Abner( Father Of
Light) Wheeler ( wheelwright) was transforming
and transformed from moral suffering , very passionate
and attached , who missed his Mom, Minnie
and felt Mom’s presence and essence until
he exited. Time stopped for him with her passing
as I witnessed in preparing their home for
organization , and ease in preparing , finding
treasures along the way , sharing with him
then siblings ..
Challenges were many , but I know, that he
knows I did my best; he lets me know👍🏼🤓♥️
So missing his actual voice , or physical
presence is tempered by his freedom from
the constraints and trauma and torture of
our current transformation , towards heaven
on earth , I fully expected to be reunited with
Dad , and Mom, on a cosmic level for a reunion
of joy , and bliss that will include many souls
gone before me ..
Happy Birthday Daddy
Love Always & Forever