Without getting their hands dirty the Narcissistic wants you dead

** A fictional short story about Narcissism⁣⁣
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When I met Alyssa, she was a sweet, vibrant woman who had built up her business in only eighteen months. She lived three houses down from me and would often invite me in for coffee after my morning run. That was…until she met Ethan.⁣⁣
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I always felt there was something “off” about Ethan, but Alyssa thought he was a prince. He moved in with her shortly after they started dating and I began to see her less and less until the only time I would see her was when she left for work.⁣⁣
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The last time I saw her, she looked old and broken… an apparition of the woman she’d once been. She’d stopped me during my jog and gave me a worn leather journal and told me that if anything ever happened to her, to give it to the authorities. Then, she hurried back to her house, looking over her shoulder. It occurred to me that she was afraid of someone seeing her speaking to me. In hindsight, I know that person was Ethan.⁣⁣
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Then it happened. She disappeared. Per her instructions, I notified the authorities and submitted her diary as evidence. They arrested Ethan, who was later released because they couldn’t tie him to any concrete evidence that connected him to her disappearance.⁣⁣
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During the investigation of their shared residence, remnants of her self-esteem were found on the soles of Ethan’s shoes, her sense of hope was found hacked to pieces in the backyard, her happiness was found in the tire tread of Ethan’s SUV, and her will-to-live was extracted bit-by-bit from the garbage disposal. In the kitchen cupboard, they found her soul, which had been ground into powder to make tea.⁣⁣
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In spite of all of the circumstantial evidence, it wasn’t enough to convict Ethan. But, they don’t know what I know. A Narcissist can annihilate you without ever laying a hand on you.⁣⁣
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It was later discovered through expert analysis of her journal entries that it took two years, three months, and ten days for her to disappear.⁣⁣
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Copyright 2022 Kim Saeed⁣⁣
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If it feels you’re on the verge of losing your life as you know it, grab your free Beginner’s Healing Roadmap and reclaim your power.

👉 https://bit.ly/BeginnersRoadmap

narcissist #survivor

Prayerful Diagnosis of NPD

Dear Ones,

I wrote this piece in 2014. After stumbling upon it recently, I realized (with sadness) that not much has changed in over 7 years in regards to narcissistic abuse victims receiving the help they need.

Authors are still writing books claiming that there are ways to “make it work” with a narcissist.

Many therapists are also making these claims though, in my experience, I haven’t encountered a single survivor of narcissistic abuse who has witnessed such change outside of these therapy offices.

Most narcissists will STILL never be diagnosed, much less change their hateful and malicious ways.

Many mental health professionals continue to act like it’s a scandal when people use the word ‘narcissist’, smugly stating that only trained professionals can make such diagnoses, when thousands of them fail to do so themselves, putting abuse victims in harm’s way and ruining the lives of generations.

Even with all the newfangled theories and diatribes about “self-aware” narcissists and those who are self-proclaimed “diagnosed” narcissists, there is little leeway being made in the lives of abuse victims.

Despite all the contemporary “trauma-informed” therapy and approaches, narcissistic abuse victims still struggle immensely in the wake of toxic relationships.

It seems we’ve barely scratched the surface in the 7 years since I wrote this short essay.

Don’t get me wrong, abuse survivors are still liberating themselves and healing, but it’s mostly because of their warrior spirits and noble bravery.

It’s because there’s a small spark inside of them; memories of being happy; snapshots in the corners of their minds about the possibility of a different life – keeping the faith that there MUST be more to life than THIS.

And there is. There will always be.

The trick is that you can’t see clearly unless you remove yourself from the traumatic influences of narcissistic spouses, partners, family members, coworkers, etc.

And this is my prayer, too. That you find the will to choose yourself and a happier life. A healed life. One where you decide you’ll never cater to an abuser’s ways ever again.

Holding you in my heart. Xo

Kim

https://kimsaeed.com/2014/01/10/a-prayer-for-those-diagnosing-the-narcissist/

Don’t Abandon Your Inner Child

…and possibly your biological children.⁠

I see so many beautiful souls who believe that by forgiving the narcissist and giving them another chance, they can help the narcissist feel accepted and loved. They believe they can appeal to the narcissist’s hurt inner child and that this might create a breakthrough in the relationship.⁠

But instead of miraculous breakthroughs, lives are being destroyed. Families are broken. Loved ones suffer. ⁠

For these reasons, then, we should resist the call that we show greater sympathy for these abusive individuals, at least to the extent that by doing so we are causing greater and unnecessary harm to ourselves and other members of our family. ⁠

Why show patience with the narcissist when they are repeatedly inflicting deep wounds upon us and when they are having such harmful effects on our children and their emotional development? ⁠

While it’s true that most narcissists were wounded as children, we must realize that those children are now gone. In their place are adults with underdeveloped levels of emotional maturity, deficient attachment capabilities, and a complete inability to empathize with others. ⁠

What’s left in the place of those wounded children are scheming manipulators who don’t give a care about anyone except themselves and their own immediate needs.⁠

Our energies are wasted on the narcissist and are better devoted elsewhere—to improving our own lives and giving our children the sort of childhood that will enable them to have healthy relationships and happy lives.⁠

The pain that ending a relationship with a narcissistic partner will bring leads people to hope and look for some other way. ⁠

Articles that hold out promises of narcissists changing and of your improving your relationship with them are stepping in to serve that misguided need. But, the truth is: it’s dangerous to keep a narcissist in one’s life. The ripple effect from doing this is far beyond the scope of what people can generally comprehend while in the midst of abuse.

If you’d like gentle guidance on taking your power back from the narcissist, join me and other wonderful thrivers in my therapist-approved program for narcissistic abuse recovery.

You will learn real-life ways to develop new and empowering habits that heal – AND are backed by psychology and neuroscience.

For full details of this nurturing program, click here:

Your friend on the journey. xo ❤️

( #📷 @kim.saeed )

Over it, long ago; the legacy of NPD , the Never Ending Pain

You can do all the research in the world to understand the inner workings of the narcissist’s mind, but it will do nothing to influence the outcome of the relationship.⁠

Narcissists don’t think like most people. You can try to appeal to their seemingly ‘hurt’ inner child, be the most devoted partner or family member, and do everything they ask of you, but it will not change a thing.⁠

Ever.⁠

Narcissists are not interested in stable, loving, reciprocal connections. The idea of meeting your emotional needs repulses them to the core. The only positive leanings they have about your love and devotion are that they can use your sentimental feelings against you for their own benefit.⁠

Here’s one thing I know to be absolutely true – when it comes to narcissists, we all want to believe we’ll be the exception to the rule, but none of us ever are.⁠

There simply is not a way to “make things work” with a narcissist that doesn’t involve erasing your own identity, emotions, and needs.⁠

You cannot set boundaries with them (none that they’ll honor, anyway)⁠

You can’t reason with them.⁠

You can’t get them to stop lying, cheating, betraying, etc.⁠

You cannot have a loving, reciprocal, healthy relationship if you’re the only one interested in having it.⁠

And this is the last thing on the narcissist’s mind, even if they try to convince you otherwise. Pay attention to patterns, because patterns never lie.⁠

Don’t forget to claim your free healing roadmap. It’s been downloaded tens of thousands of times and has helped people across the globe to begin their recovery in gentle and encouraging ways:

selfhealers #toxicrelationshipcheck #doesntworklikethat ⁠

( #📷 @kim.saeed )

Gatekeeper vs Bridge Builder

“The gatekeeper believes that there is not enough to go around, therefore the gate has to be closed to some. The gatekeeper decides on a set of criteria to “weed out” the unworthy, they will be excluded, they will not have access as it is reserved for an élite. The gatekeeper is a lover of quick right/wrong tests, easy distinctions support the justification of a “no entry” decision.

The bridge builder, on the other hand believes in offering a helping hand to give access even where there are barriers to be overcome. The river may look too wild to cross but the bridge builder has the ideas and ingenuity to assist. The bridge builder has an abundance mindset, there’s plenty for everyone, you just have to know how to get to it.” ~Teresa MacKinnon

“Involving an entire family in their stupid gate keeping scheme is ridiculous and dysfunctional. The gate keepers will learn that their children will jump that gate some day and unleash a feary like they never saw coming. Grandparents—keep up the good fight, stay strong, and lean on each other….like the redwood trees!!!” ~Lucy Augustson

Childress : NPD Pathology & Delusions

Narcissistic Pathology & Delusions

The narcissistic personality collapses into persecutory delusions under stress – like the stress created by their public rejection during and surrounding divorce.

This is a known fact about narcissistic personality pathology, that it collapses into persecutory and paranoid delusions under stress.

Theodore Millon is considered among the top experts in personality disorder pathology. He is author of the Millon Clinical Multi-Axial Inventory (MCMI), considered the gold standard assessment instrument of personality disorder pathology.

Theodore Millon wrote the book on personality pathology. Look at the title of the book. Then listen to what he says about narcissistic personality pathology.

Millon. T. (2011). Disorders of personality: Introducing a DSM/ICD spectrum from normal to abnormal. Hoboken: Wiley.

From Millon: “Under conditions of unrelieved adversity and failure, narcissists may decompensate into paranoid disorders. Owing to their excessive use of fantasy mechanisms, they are disposed to misinterpret events and to construct delusional beliefs. Unwilling to accept constraints on their independence and unable to accept the viewpoints of others, narcissists may isolate themselves from the corrective effects of shared thinking. Alone, they may ruminate and weave their beliefs into a network of fanciful and totally invalid suspicions.” (Millon, 2011, pp. 407-408).

From Millon: “Among narcissists, delusions often take form after a serious challenge or setback has upset their image of superiority and omnipotence. They tend to exhibit compensatory grandiosity and jealousy delusions in which they reconstruct reality to match the image they are unable or unwilling to give up. Delusional systems may also develop as a result of having felt betrayed and humiliated. Here we may see the rapid unfolding of persecutory delusions and an arrogant grandiosity characterized by verbal attacks and bombast.” (Millon, 2011, pp. 407-408).

It is a known fact of the pathology that the narcissistic personality will collapse into persecutory delusions under stress.

The rejection inherent to divorce will present the narcissistic parent with conditions of unrelieved adversity and failure. The narcissistic parent will decompensate into persecutory delusions.

We know this. This is an established fact about narcissistic personality pathology

Shared (induced) Delusional Disorder

The pathology of a shared delusional disorder is also called an induced delusional disorder.

Wehmeier Barth, & Remschmidt (2003). Induced Delusional Disorder. Psychopathology,

37-45.
https://www.karger.com/Article/Abstract/69657

From Wehmeier Barth, & Remschmidt: “Induced delusional disorder (or shared paranoid disorder), also known as folie à deux, is a fairly uncommon disturbance characterized by the presence of similar psychotic symptoms in two or more individuals. Most often the symptoms are delusional. Usually the ‘primary’ case, i.e. the individual who first develops psychotic symptoms, can be distinguished from one or more ‘secondary’ cases, in whom the symptoms are induced.”

From the American Psychiatric Association: “Usually the primary case in Shared Psychotic Disorder is dominant in the relationship and gradually imposes the delusional system on the more passive and initially healthy second person… Although most commonly seen in relationships of only two people, Shared Psychotic Disorder can occur in larger number of individuals, especially in family situations in which the parent is the primary case and the children, sometimes to varying degrees, adopt the parent’s delusional beliefs.” (American Psychiatric Association, 2000, p. 333)

Shared (induced) Delusions in Family Courts

The journal Family Court Review is the flagship journal of the AFCC.

From Walters & Friedlander: “In some RRD families [resist-refuse dynamic], a parent’s underlying encapsulated delusion about the other parent is at the root of the intractability (cf. Johnston & Campbell, 1988, p. 53ff; Childress, 2013). An encapsulated delusion is a fixed, circumscribed belief that persists over time and is not altered by evidence of the inaccuracy of the belief.” (Walters & Friedlander, 2016, p. 426)

From Walters & Friedlander: “When alienation is the predominant factor in the RRD [resist-refuse dynamic}, the theme of the favored parent’s fixed delusion often is that the rejected parent is sexually, physically, and/or emotionally abusing the child. The child may come to share the parent’s encapsulated delusion and to regard the beliefs as his/her own (cf. Childress, 2013).” (Walters & Friedlander, 2016, p. 426)

Walters, M. G., & Friedlander, S. (2016). When a child rejects a parent: Working with the intractable resist/refuse dynamic. Family Court Review, 54(3), 424–445.

Diagnosis Guides Treatment

In healthcare, all of healthcare, including all of mental health care, diagnosis guides treatment. The treatment for cancer is different than the treatment for diabetes.

Is there a shared (induced) persecutory delusion created by the pathogenic parenting of the allied parent? Creating delusional thought disorder pathology in the child that then destroys their attachment bond to the other parent is a DSM-5 diagnosis of V-995.51 Child Psychological Abuse.

Diagnosis guides treatment. Is the DSM-5 diagnosis V995.51 Child Psychological Abuse? Was a proper risk assessment for possible Child Psychological Abuse conducted?

Apply knowledge to solve pathology, ignorance solves nothing.

2.04 Bases for Scientific and Professional Judgments
Psychologists’ work is based upon established scientific and professional knowledge of the discipline.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, CA PSY 18857

https://www.karger.com/Article/Abstract/69657

Narcissist Flow

In the wake of toxic relationships, it often feels impossible to find healthy dating prospects or even to expect that there are healthy people in the world!

As someone who’s been through the dark night of narcissistic abuse and made ALL the mistakes possible, I can tell you almost exactly how we women show up in relationships if we haven’t done enough healing work.

  • Thinking that men who say they only want “something casual” might eventually change their minds if we “play our cards right”
  • Trying hard to come across as low-maintenance so that you don’t push him away unwittingly
  • Pretending that you’re okay with “go with the flow” when what you really want is a commitment
  • Offering to help with a project he’s working on – when you barely know him
  • Trying to be chill when he mentions p*rn
  • Going along with his lifestyle choices that are out of alignment with your own

And then, after entering into a relationship, becoming exactly who and what he wants so you can keep him.

This is why it’s so important to know who you are and build a strong identity after toxic relationships. Because if you don’t have a strong identity going in, you will go along with things that hurt you and you’ll settle for way less than you deserve.

Before you know it, you’ll realize you’re in a relationship with someone who’s, at the very least, emotionally immature and unavailable or, at worst, a narcissistic abuser.

Never give your power away again.

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Your friend on the journey. Xo

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( #📷 @kim.saeed )

Hovering

Obsession, Targets Death Wishes, Not Responsible, Selective Recall, Controler, Malignant , Unforgiving

Being in a relationship with a narcissist feels so convoluted and devastating because they trap you with falsified moments of trust. ⁠

In these precious moments, you experience a sense of profound security and comfort. You believe they genuinely care about you.⁠

You sense that the narcissist understands you in a way nobody else can. You feel like you’re crazy if you decide to leave. But it’s all a thinly veiled lie built on advanced manipulation.⁠

Because you’ll feel safe and appreciated during the narcissist’s HOOVEriNG, you’ll want to stay close to the narcissist. ⁠

But they become a sneaky, well-dressed predator, one who knows how to flatter your every flaw and compliment your every quirk.⁠

At first, it’s exciting. Because let’s face it. Who doesn’t like to feel adored? Who doesn’t want all the attention and validation? Who doesn’t want to feel unconditionally accepted and appreciated?⁠

But when the surface cracks, the narcissist’s uglier, authentic colors start to emerge. The darkness reveals itself. It may happen slowly. An insult here and there. A passive-aggressive comment. Blame or accusations that don’t make sense. You typically brush them off at first. After all, nobody is perfect, right?⁠

Then you suddenly can’t do anything correctly. Suddenly, you’re the enemy, the ugly fool, the stupid and incompetent person who keeps messing up. The narcissist becomes increasingly meaner. You start feeling increasingly insecure, worthless, uncertain of your every move. ⁠

Suddenly, you’re walking on eggshells in your own home, ashamed and fearful of your next step.⁠

This is the true outcome of narcissistic hoovering. That’s why it’s crucial to remember during times the narcissist is trying to woo you back into their crazy that they are a wolf in sheep’s clothing…not to be trusted under any circumstances.

( #📷 @kim.saeed )

Waiting for Change

HOW MUCH TIME AND HEARTACHE DID IT COST YOU, WAITING FOR AND IMAGINING THE NARCISSIST WOULD CHANGE? I wasted…wait for it…half my adult life! Time I can’t get back. A dead life filled with confusion and hurt.

I decided to put that behind me and to stop thinking about the past, and to try to have a good present and future. I asked myself, “What can I do today to make my life a little bit better?” I dated some…not much. When I decided to just concentrate on making my life better right now, and on my children, one day, about year later, I met the love of my life.

I had no hesitation about being friends. Everything went so easy. We got along well with our kids. Learned to laugh again and enjoy ourselves. Love grew out of that experience.

I used to use the metaphor “falling in love”, but now I think the better analogy is of a tree growing. When we met, a seed was planted, and soon sprouted, and as time passed, it began to grow. Trees grow slowly, but they can get very large…large enough to withstand anything. It was not how I imagined it would happen. But that’s what happened.

Now I think of love, not as excitement, but as quietly resting in the shade of the tree, protected by its outspread arms, smiling, laughing, caring, feeling totally secure in every respect…personally, emotionally, financially, and it every way. That’s love that lasts.