Tag: Parental Alienation

Adult Estranged Children- Julie Ventura Plagens

One of the hardest parts of estrangement is the silence. So many parents are left wondering, “Why didn’t they tell me why?” The truth? There’s usually more going on beneath the surface than we realize.

Here are a few possibilities to consider:

  1. They didn’t have the tools to explain their pain.
    Some adult children carry hurt for years but never find the words. What feels sudden to us may have been building inside them for a long time. While pop culture (social media, counselors) may be pushing for an estrangement, the simmering resentments (the bullet) was already in the loaded gun. They just helped to pull the trigger.
  2. They didn’t feel heard.
    They might have tried to speak up in the past—and felt dismissed or misunderstood. Think about the arguments you’ve had over the years. That is when they told you what was wrong. Eventually, they gave up and stopped trying to tell you. It was just easier to stop arguing and get peace.
  3. They fear conflict because they constantly lose.
    Not everyone is equipped to have hard conversations. Some people avoid confrontation entirely, even if it means disappearing. I hated conflict and ran from it. It felt safer than dealing with it, as it always turned out to be my fault.
  4. They needed space to breathe and heal.
    Leaving without a word may be less about punishing and more about self-protection. For whatever reason, the relationship had become too hard to deal with, so they just left. For me, it was akin to lightening the load on a ship during a storm to keep the whole thing from sinking.
  5. They’re still sorting it out.
    They may not fully understand their own reasons yet for leaving. Sometimes people leave to process, not to close the door forever. Over time, they feel shame about rekindling the relationship as time got away.

These were all reasons why I left, although I couldn’t articulate them at the time. Your adult child probably can’t either. They just know the leaving Is the quick relief from pain.

You Can’t Force Reconnection—But You Can Do This

If you’re estranged from your child, I know how much it hurts. The silence, the confusion, the helplessness—it can feel unbearable.

And while you may not be able to fix that relationship right now, you can work on the ones you still have.

Here’s the hard truth I had to face:
My unhealthy patterns didn’t just affect my relationship with my parents. They showed up in other relationships, especially my marriage. And then with my adult children. (One tried to leave)

Do you find yourself…
Trying to control outcomes? Even get revenge when it doesn’t go your way?
Manipulating conversations without realizing it?
Wallowing in self-pity or constantly blaming others?
Obsessing over every detail of what went wrong? Ruminating?

Do you have addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, lying, or something else? This is a destroyer of relationships across the board.

For me, it all traced back to childhood trauma. I had felt so out of control growing up that, as an adult, I tried to control everything—especially my relationships. Core issue: I did not trust God or believe he was good. And I medicated with self-pity, blaming, food (sugar), rumination, victim mentality, etc. As long as it was everyone else, I didn’t have to look at myself or change.

It wasn’t until I started healing that initial pain that I could begin to clean up my side of the street. It was late in life. I left my family when I was 40. (No social media then.) And my adult child almost left when I was 53ish. We were all Christians. (I was a preacher’s kid.) Something had to change; I was a common denominator.

You can’t force your child back into your life… but you can continue to see what is popping up in current relationships.

And here’s the beautiful part: You have power.
When you begin to identify and change how you interact with people, it shifts how others interact with you. Yes, you can only change yourself. No one else. Blaming kept me stuck.

And here’s something to hold onto:
Even if your adult child has gone quiet, they might still be watching. I know I did. I asked people about my parents. I kept tabs from afar.

Eventually, there is the stage of accepting whatever the outcome is. Peace in that you have done everything you can on your side. If you are already there, I applaud you. God sees you and knows your heart. Most of all, He loves you.

Alienation & extended Famlies

“We often talk about how alienation cuts off one relationship. But in reality the truth is, it severs an entire family line. It has no mercy as it leaves parents without their children. It also leaves grandparents sitting by their windows, flipping through old photo albums, wondering what they did to deserve this treatment.

Remembering all those bedtime hugs, the silly stories, and backyard adventures that came to such a sudden end.If you ask any alienated grandparent, they’ll likely say: “I never thought I’d ever become a stranger to the child I once held in my arms as a baby.”

Now, ask the parents, and most of them will tell you: “I never imagined my own mother or father would lose their grandchild because someone I once trusted decided to destroy everything because of me.”

The saddest part? The alienator isn’t satified with severing just one bond—they tear through entire generations. They conciously choose to rewrite the family story. They turn family closeness into distance, and loving memories into something that hurts too much to remember.

Still, both the parents and grandparents hold on. They keep the birthday cards safely tucked away in drawers. In their mind’s eye, they remember the favorite colors, or the silly sayings, and the way a child’s head once rested under their chin.

Just like the parents who still hear the words, “I love you, Dad,” or, “Don’t let me go, Mom.”

For those living through this, you know that this pain doesn’t just come and go. Instead, it follows you everywhere. Into the grocery store, where another child looks just like yours. Into every holiday season, where an empty chair sits at the table. Even into your nightly dreams, where the reunion plays out perfectly, until you wake up to the same numbing silence you’ve been carrying for months, and sometimes years.

Yet… we still hope. That’s what so many don’t understand. Even after all the unanswered calls, all the doors that were slammed shut on us, all the letters marked “Return to Sender,” we still hope.

We hold onto the possibility of one more chance.

One more knock on the door.

One more opportunity to say, “I never stopped loving you.”

To the alienated grandparents out there, I want to say this: You’re not forgotten. The grief you feel is real. Your love still matters. That special place you held in your grandchild’s life should never have been taken from you.To the parents who are still hanging on: Don’t ever let go.

You’re not weak for caring. You’re certainly not foolish for loving. After all, you’re a parent, and that’s what we do.

To those reading this who’ve never lived through this kind of emotional torture: Please know this kind of silence doesn’t happen by accident. It’s designed.. It’s the product of manipulation, control, and the belief that love should have limits. Maybe one day, the door will open again. Maybe a child, or a grandchild will ask the question that begins to undo all the lies that were told.”

Until then, we wait in the wings… together

✍️ David Shubert

Enablers of Alienation via Narcissist -Charlie McCready

The alienating parent often seeks to create a support system comprised of people who enable, support and reinforce their behaviour. These enablers are like a cheerleading team, and they play a significant role in perpetuating the alienation. Here’s how this dynamic typically works:

The key enablers are willingly blind to the negative actions of the alienating parent. They demonstrate unwavering loyalty, refusing to acknowledge any wrongdoing.

Enablers consciously choose to ignore signs of manipulation or mistreatment. They might witness the alienating parent’s behaviour but deliberately turn a blind eye, allowing the alienation to continue unchecked.

Enablers are often submissive and easily controlled by the alienating parent. They may fear repercussions if they resist or question the alienator’s actions, leading them to comply passively.

Enablers might lack critical thinking skills or be naive, making them susceptible to the alienating parent’s persuasive tactics. They unquestioningly accept the distorted narrative presented by the alienator.

Crucially, enablers do not challenge the alienating parent’s agenda. They refrain from interfering even when they suspect that the alienator’s actions are harmful.

Enablers serve as cheerleaders, and their support reinforces the alienator’s belief that their actions are justified, making it increasingly difficult for the targeted parent and the alienated child to break free from the cycle of manipulation.

These enablers create a toxic echo chamber around the alienating parent, but why do they do it? Enablers support the alienating parent due to loyalty, fear, or manipulation, often gaining a sense of belonging, protection, or approval in return for their unquestioning allegiance.

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Totally ignoring child’s needs / Charlie McCready

Parental alienation is, at its core, a profound attachment disorder where a child is psychologically manipulated to reject a parent they once loved. This is a form of psychological abuse rooted in coercive control, triangulation, and projection onto the alienated or ‘target’ parent. The alienating parent often engages in a cycle of deceit and manipulation, projecting unresolved personal issues onto the relationship between the child and the other parent. It’s a dynamic where the child’s genuine needs and emotional security are disregarded, with the alienating parent instead using the child as a tool to meet their own psychological needs.⁠

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Many of these behaviours are driven by traits associated with cluster B personality disorders, where characteristics like narcissism, deep-seated fear of abandonment, and hostility towards the other parent can foster an intense drive to “punish” that parent. The alienating parent cannot see beyond their own needs and vendettas, resulting in a delusional mindset where they feel justified in severing the bond between their child and the co-parent. This distorted view places their own emotional fulfilment above the child’s right to a healthy, loving relationship with both parents, disregarding the immense psychological harm it inflicts on the child.⁠

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I have been through the injustice, grief and trauma of alienation, and am totally invested in helping others. As well as my daily posts, I offer 1:1 coaching, and a 9-step program. I’m glad to say clients who do my program talk of gaining emotional and mental resilience and peace of mind, often within just a few weeks of starting. I help my clients understand and deal with their alienated child/ren, the alienating parent, plus how to overcome and survive the many challenges. Please send me a message if you are interested to know more, or you can visit my website.⁠

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Insecure Attachment & Alienated Children – Charlie McCready

Insecure attachment and parental alienation are deeply intertwined and illuminate the profound impact of emotional manipulation on children. In contrast to estrangement, where rejection may be rooted in valid reasons, parental alienation involves the unjustified, coerced rejection of a parent who was once loved and has never stopped loving their child. In situations of psychological abuse, children, out of fear and the instinctual drive for survival, may gravitate towards the seemingly stronger, albeit abusive, parent, seeking safety in the very source of their distress. This is sometimes referred to as ‘identification with the aggressor’. This is an attachment disorder involving cognitive dissonance and ‘splitting’, and it exploits the child’s fundamental need for love, care, and security, leading to severe emotional consequences.

Insecure attachment refers to a pattern of relational behaviour in which a child, due to inconsistent caregiving or a lack of emotional responsiveness from caregivers, develops difficulties in forming secure, trusting relationships, and this, in cases of ‘parental alienation’ will specifically be the ‘target’ rejected parent. Insecure attachment in a child often results from inconsistent or neglectful parenting, where a child’s basic emotional and physical needs are not consistently met. Again, this will stem from alienating behaviours in their ‘aligned’ parent. Insecurely attached children may exhibit clingy or avoidant behaviour, struggle with self-esteem and self-worth, and have difficulties regulating their emotions.

An alienated/psychologically abused child who has experienced the accompanying insecure attachment will benefit from a great deal of empathy and perhaps also counselling and support groups. The child needs to feel safe in relationships and in the world, rebuilding trust and the ability to develop secure attachments while healing from the effects of parental alienation.

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