Tag: family

Boundaries – Charlie Mc Cready

Enforcing boundaries can be challenging for the targeted parent. The child may have been told you’re mean, so when you don’t buy that pony or new iPhone, they immediately reinforce those negative beliefs. And, of course, this is ridiculous, and the odds are unfairly stacked against us. Is the alienating parent buying that new pony or iPhone? No? But they’re not the ones getting judged. All eyes are on us. That is how the alienating parent has manipulated the situation. ⁠

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The temptation to give in and buy the child their sweeties is strong. Make life easy. Avoid conflict. I truly understand this. I also realise that, having been denied time (a little or a lot), we want to make the most of it and have the best time possible. So maybe we do overinduldge, more than we normally would. This is not a normal situation. It’s so important to have boundaries still. If we keep buying them those ‘sweeties’, let’s say we could potentially be ‘feeding a monster’. I’m not saying our children are monsters. But they are in a monstrous situation. And we risk unintentionally empowering the child further in the process of parental alienation. By not setting boundaries, the child may continue to manipulate or exploit the situation, which can perpetuate the alienation dynamic.⁠

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Setting boundaries, even in the face of resistance or hostility from the alienating parent or the child, is crucial. It helps establish a sense of stability and consistency for the child, which can benefit their emotional well-being. It also communicates to the child that their behaviour has limits and expectations, even if they have been influenced to believe otherwise. By enforcing boundaries, the targeted parent maintains their own integrity and self-respect. It helps prevent further erosion of their relationship with the child and can allow the child to eventually see through the manipulations and realise the truth.⁠

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Boundaries are a means to protect both your well-being and the potential for healing and reconciliation with your child in the long run.⁠

Shift in family values

It indeed has shifted and much damage done ; but it’s shifting again to strong values centered around the children !

“Why would divorce increase the risk? In my clinical work I have seen how divorce can create a radical realignment of long-held bonds of loyalty, gratitude, and obligation in a family. It can tempt one parent to poison the child against the other. It can cause children to reexamine their lives prior to divorce and shift their perspective so they now support one parent and oppose the other. It can bring in new people—stepparents or stepsiblings—to compete with the child for emotional or material resources. Divorce—as well as the separation of parents who never married—can alter the gravitational trajectories of a family so that, over time, members spin further and further out of one another’s reach. And when they do, they might not feel compelled to return,” writes Joshua Coleman.

www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/why-parents-and-kids-get-estranged/617612/

Christmas 🎄 and Family Estrangement

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse …’ But for us, alienated parents, that silence isn’t peaceful—it’s unnatural. It’s not supposed to be this way. Our children have been unjustifiably, most cruelly, denied a relationship with us, and the quiet reminds us of their absence. The pain is real and heightened on nights like this. I know from personal experience that Christmas can be an extremely tough time for an alienated parent. The sense of loss is heightened, and you can easily get caught in an emotional loop. You have to deal with not seeing the children and maybe even having your presents rejected or returned. Whilst I cannot make your children come back during the festive season or cure the absence of their presence and laughter, I’m here to help you manage these feelings and find your inner strength. I help many parents, like you, cope far better with the challenges that we face. You can learn to re-frame the way that you experience alienation, changing the way you think, feel and act. I will be working on this with my current clients and anyone else who wants to join my program or coaching. You can shift your perspective and regain a sense of peace, not just for the holidays but moving forward. Reach out for support. If not me, then those close to you who can support you when you need it. Take care, Charlie.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#parentalalienation

#parentalalienationawareness

#healing

#divorce

#FathersMatter

#mothersmatter

Toxic Family System

The toxic family system is like all toxic systems— it runs only when people play very specific roles. And at the same time, give up their Self identity.

In healthy families, there’s interdependence— where each member relies on and supports each other. But, they also have individualism, or the space to fully be themselves.

In the toxic family system, when someone starts getting emotionally healthy, friction is creating. Fear and anxiety comes up in other members. “If this person is changing, what does that mean for me.” And if they’re interacting in new ways, what does that mean about the ways I interact now?”

This creates many emotional triggers. The healthy person might hear “oh you’re too good for us now” or “boundaries are ridiculous” or “in my day we didn’t go to therapy and I turned out fine.” These are all shame based statements. A sign that person is feeling unworthy, confused, and *most likely* scared.

It’s helpful as you heal to remember that generations before you had almost zero education on generational trauma. Many people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, never had the chance to be self aware. And what will become more and more clear to you is most people really are children in adult bodies. Focus on what you can control: you.

If you’re breaking the cycle, expect to trigger people around you. Expect to not always be supported. It can hurt, but you’re doing this for you. And you’re no longer a child needing their approval.

Reminder: if you’re a cycle breaker and you’re looking for community @selfhealers.circle opens Jan 2nd. Spaces are limited so if you *know* you want to join, comment “WAITLIST” then check your DM. We only open this 3 times a year. Next chance to join will be in May #selfhealers