I’m all about the energy. I’m all about energetic boundaries. I’m all about spending “energy bucks” wisely. I’m all about energy mastery. It’s doesn’t get more fundamental than this. Don’t lose another ounce of your energy to a narcissistic person. It only perpetuates a dysfunction of energy that keeps you distracted from your destiny and impairs your ability to sustain mental and physical activity. It literally KILLS your vitality and eats at your soul.
This is beyond shocking and horrific psychology..I’ve received judgements , words I could not believe came from a judge .
So the punishment fit the crime .
“I don’t diagnose pathology.”
That is the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard a licensed mental health person say. What do you think the license is for? Honest to god…
Look, seriously, you are a licensed mental health professional who is – licensed – by the state to do exactly that, diagnose and treat pathology. If you don’t diagnose pathology, who does, a plumber?
If so, can you refer me to a plumber to diagnose the pathology because we need a diagnosis. This could be a diagnosis of Child Psychological Abuse (DSM-5 V995.51), i.e., a shared persecutory delusion created in the child by the distorted parenting of the allied parent.
We need to find out if that pathology is present or absent, we need a diagnosis… and if you don’t diagnose pathology… then you’re pretty useless, aren’t you. Who does?
Because if you don’t diagnose pathology then there is absolutely no point in having you involved as a mental health person, because that’s what we need, a diagnosis for the treatment plan.
A plumber doesn’t diagnose pathology, nor does a school teacher. Who does? Hmmm, let me think… a licensed mental health professional? But just not you because you’re pretty useless.
We don’t need a plumber to fix the family conflict either. We need a diagnosis.
Who should I go to for a diagnosis if not a licensed mental health professional? Ask them. If they say this ridiculous thing to you, ask them who you SHOULD go to for a diagnosis, who would that be? I’d be curious what answer they’d give you… maybe they’d respond with just a blank stare.
Early in my training, way early, I was told by my mentor to always-always put a diagnosis.
Even if there is no diagnosis, there’s a diagnostic code for No Diagnosis, V71.09 No Diagnosis on Axis 1, that’s what you put when there is no diagnosis. Always put a diagnosis, even when there’s no diagnosis. Do you know why?
Malpractice. To start treating something before you’ve diagnosed what it is would be malpractice, and to conduct an assessment without a identifying the problem (diagnosing the pathology), even if it’s No Diagnosis (V71.09), would be malpractice.
How do you know what you’re treating if you have no diagnosis? That’s why I was told to always-always give a diagnosis, because otherwise is is automatically a misdiagnosis, which becomes the foundations for the malpractice, i.e., a negligent misdiagnosis because of an inadequate assessment.
There’s a second reason to identify no diagnosis, V71.09 No Diagnosis on Axis 1, it documents that you looked. Without that diagnosis of No Diagnosis, did you even look for a possible psychiatric disorder?
Here’s the rule-of-thumb regarding documentation in a medical record, if it’s not documented it didn’t happen.
Did you assess for a possible Bipolar Disorder, or possible ADHD? Unless you indicate you did, you didn’t. Did you assess for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and for Oppositional Defiant Disorder? Unless you say you did, you didn’t.
If it’s not in the patient’s medical record, it didn’t happen. So… document what you did and the outcome. If I conducted an assessment for possibly the relevant psychiatric disorders and there were no psychiatric disorders present… then I say so, 71.09 No Diagnosis on Axis I.
Otherwise… according to my chart… if I have nothing then I never even assessed for any possible psychiatric disorders. Document, document, document. If it’s not in the medical record, it didn’t happen.
If the patient says they are depressed, document that you asked about suicide. If they report any suicidal ideation, document that you conducted a proper risk assessment for suicide and its outcome.
When I say there is No Diagnosis, I’m saying I looked. But if I never even looked… that could be negligent malpractice.
That’s why I was told by my mentor as I entered clinical training, always-always give a diagnosis – protect yourself.
“I don’t diagnose pathology” is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard from a mental health professional. Who does then? Please tell me because I need a referral to that architect or school teacher, because we need a diagnosis.
“I don’t diagnose pathology.” That is insane.
If I’m a lawyer on TV and this is my episode, I’d get them to say that first thing – “I don’t diagnose pathology” – and they’ll say it all proud like jt’s a good thing – they don’t “pathologize” people. I’d let them swell-up into their delusional beliefs.
They’re the guest star on the episode and I want to give them their moment, before….
Then I’d ask them, “Do you mean like schizophrenia, if one parent had schizophrenia, you wouldn’t diagnose that and wouldn’t tell the judge that one parent was psychotic and had schizophrenia?” I suspect they’ll begin to see the problem and back-track a little,
“Well, something like that I’d definitely diagnose and include it in my report, but there was no schizophrenia.”
What about a delusional disorder, is that a diagnosis you’d diagnose and tell the court about, or is that something you’d ignore and withhold from the court? Ouch, the words are getting sharper.
Is there a diagnosis of V995.51 Child Psychological Abuse on page 719 of the DSM-5? Is that a diagnosis you would diagnose, or is that a diagnosis you would ignore and withhold from the court?
So you do diagnose pathology sometimes, but you don’t diagnose pathology other times, sometimes you report relevant diagnostic information to the courts and sometimes you withhold relevant diagnostic information from the courts, based on how you feel, is that what you’re saying?
Oh, I see, if it’s relevant you’ll make the diagnosis and tell the court, but if you believe it’s not relevant then you withhold the diagnostic information from the courts, is that what you’re saying? That you decide what is relevant and non-relevant information for the court’s consideration, and then you tell the court what you think is important for the court to hear, and you withhold information that you decide is not important?
Is a diagnosis of a shared persecutory delusion relevant for the court’s consideration? Is a diagnosis of Child Psychological Abuse relevant to the court’s consideration?
“I don’t diagnose pathology.” That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Too bad I only play a lawyer on TV, just lemme at that nonsense. Then how do you know what you’re treating if you don’t make a diagnosis – is it cancer or diabetes?
“I don’t diagnose pathology” from a mental health professional… if you hear that, just start laughing, just laugh, and laugh, and laugh as you turn around and walk out the door.
Go find yourself a good plumber or school teacher to diagnose what’s going on, because we need a diagnosis. Is it child abuse? Is there a shared persecutory delusion?
Please, someone… is there a doctor in the house? A rodeo clown? A lawyer? Who diagnoses pathology? Because whoever that profession is, that’s who we need and it’s obviously not you… so that makes you’re pretty pointless, doesn’t it.
Frontal lobe deficits in linear-logical reasoning, they actually say this stuff with a straight face. That’s where my TV lawyer guy would let the forensic mental health person swell on their first answer -“I don’t diagnose pathology” – all proud of themselves like that’s a good thing. Give the week’s guest star their moment before the dramatic collapse on the witness stand.
Okay then… would you diagnose schizophrenia if a parent had schizophenia, do you think the court should know that a parent has schizophrenia? How about a delusional disorder? What is a persecutory delusion? What is a shared persecutory delusion? Would creating a shared persecutory delusion in the child that then destroyed the child’s attachment bond to the other parent be a diagnosis of Child Psychological Abuse?
Would that be relevant for the court to know?
TV-lawyer: Hypothetically speaking, just a hypothetical question, doctor, purely hypothetical not related to this case at all… if… IF… a psychologist missed making a child abuse diagnosis because they failed to conduct a proper risk assessment, could that become negligent malpractice?
I’d use “could” if I was the TV-lawyer guy because of course it “could”, it’s a less strict word as “would” – could it? Yes, of course it could. But what do I know about asking questions, I’m just a psychologist. I’m not a real TV-lawyer guy.
“Did you order the Code Red! Did you order the Code Red?” – looks fun.
Honest to god, stupid pathogen. It comes from an inhibition to the frontal lobe executive function systems for linear-logical reasoning, along with deficits in foresight and planning ahead, and in self-reflective insight.
Linear-logical reasoning – find the point of illogic and stay linear on the question line with yes-no questions. The pathogen will want to escape into associational-emotional thinking, don’t let it, remain on yes-no questions – linear and logical. This will tie it up in knots when it reaches the thought-diorder part of the illogic.
Foresight and planning ahead – The pathogen doesn’t., they are very now-reactive. They won’t know the package is arriving until it’s at their doorstep, no foresight.
Because they are entirely now-reactive with no forsight, they will say what seems best in the moment. This will lead them into making contradictory statements in different contexts. Once they start contradicting themselves, put their own statements side-by-side and ask them to reconclie the contradiction.
Self-reflective insight – they have none. They are arrogant and overly inflated with the self-importance of their opinions. They think they’re important… just because. Everytime you expose them, you create a narcsisistic injury.
Be careful, they may try to retaliate using their power. That should never-never happen. But it does. Be careful.
They can’t because it’s illogical. The licensed mental health person who says, “I don’t diagnose pathology” is illogical – of course you do, that’s your training, that’s what the license is for. Honest to god…
They have to testify and testimony is all about linear lines of questions. They could be in trouble if their thinking isn’t as linear-and-logical as the line of questions.
They don’t diagnose pathology… well, that makes you pretty irrelevant then, doesn’t it, because that’s what we need. If we need our Tarot cards read, we’ll be sure to think of you.
Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, CA PSY 18857
If you’ve found yourself in a narcissistically abusive relationship, your discernment is likely skewed owing to long-term gaslighting and the narcissist’s use of cognitive empathy.
But, there’s still a part of you that understands how toxic your relationship is.
With normal relationship conflicts, the couple comes back together as a team while feeling emotionally safe.
With narcissistic relationships, you find yourself begging for their forgiveness even when you’ve done nothing wrong. The thought of not having their approval makes you feel unwell, both mentally and physically.
In toxic relationships, there’s an unspoken awareness that the narcissist is somehow superior to you, even if you have far more accomplishments than they do. You can’t explain it, it’s like a psychic agreement between the two of you.
You might fool yourself into believing you’ve stood up to them by arguing, storming out, or making it clear they’ve crossed a boundary…but in the end, you realize how useless all of that is as you find yourself remaining in the relationship – much to the narcissist’s delight.
All of these things are telling in and of themselves, but one of the chief indicators that you’re being narcissistically abused is that you’ve found yourself in a psychological prison. Although you are an adult with the means to break away, you are met with psychological bars that hold you inside.
This psychological prison is learned helplessness. It occurs when a person unremittingly faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they could do so.
Learned helplessness is difficult to overcome, but it’s possible.
If you’d like to learn how to begin defeating learned helplessness, Google ‘Kim Saeed Learned Helplessness’, and don’t forget to grab your free Beginner’s Healing Journey Roadmap.
And I did disconnect from this energy which has not pleased those distorted and ever in past lacking any humanity, compassion, forgiveness , which I cannot ignore any longer .
Many I held as ” family ” , children ..year after year , upholding the trauma and shadow secrets , unhealed and targeting me still , avoiding the horrible truths that do allow light and love and healing
I want to make a recommendation to Dorcy Pruter.
Hi Dorcy, I want to talk to you personally so I thought I’d post it to my Public Facebook page, you’ll understand why.
I recommend you take the 4-day seminar from PESI by Bessel van der Kolk with an added bonus hour of Ed Tronick. Take if for Ed, you’ll love Bessel… but you’ll love Ed more.
You don’t actually need to know this stuff because you already do. I know you do because it’s the same thing you say and do. I just think you should have the scientific support available for what you say and do.
You’re not a psychologist, duh, so there’s no requirement… there will be for them though, the psychologists. I’m going to be looking for this seminar in my vitae reviews of forensic psychologists. You already know the material, but you should be aware of the scientific support you have in what you say, and for what you do.
To everyone else… What Dorcy Pruter tells you is accurate and correct. It’s backed up by the state-of-the-art scientific knowledge. I know. I’ve known van der Kolk and Tronick for decades.
I’m a trauma psychologist out of foster care. I had a sexy poster of Bessel hanging on my bedroom wall as a kid. I know this information and always have since I’ve been here in the court-involved family conflict.
Dorcy has too, she just hadn’t read the books, and she’s not a psychotherapist – thank god. But you see how I hold my professional colleagues to task for their knowledge and competence. Dorcy meets and exceeds my standards.
Ms. Pruter and the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute have my full support. She’s not a psychologist, she’s is a businesswoman and family coach, successful at both. I am a clinical psychologist, we do different things. I am well familiar with the professional work of Dorcy Pruter, it is excellent. What she says is accurate and correct.
I have twice co-presented with her at professional organizations, at the AFCC national convention in 2017, and at the APA national convention in 2019. There’s a reason.
I have personally reviewed the Higher Purpose Parenting course curriculum and it has my full endorsement and support. No parenting skills you learn will work if you don’t use them. If you use the parenting skills taught in Higher Purpose Parenting, the skills will be successful. I consider the Higher Purpose Parenting curriculum to be the only trauma-informed parenting curriculum available.
I am familiar with the research methodology used in compiling data for the Custody Resolution Method. The qualitative research methodology used in the Custody Resolution Method, called “coding”, is a standard, reliable, and valid research methodology.
I have personally reviewed the protocol for the 4-day High Road workshop, and I have personally observed all four days of the workshop. I understand how it achieves its consistent and remarkable success. The High Road workshop is effective and gentle, the kids love the workshop and love Dorcy.
I have also received a client into my private practice from the High Road workshop for follow-up care. The High Road workshop obtained a full and complete recovery of the 15 year-old adolescent from three years of documented child psychological abuse – documented by three separate psychologists.
When the High Road workshop is available for the resolution of child psychological abuse, the High Road workshop is my first recommendation.
Ms. Pruter is a family and parenting coach of skill, accomplishment, and knowledge. When she entered the field of court-involved family conflict, she studied and learned about the pathology, her profession, and her craft in creating effective solutions. Her body of professional work is both remarkable and highly successful in solving the pathology surrounding court-involved child custody conflict.
Ms. Pruter is the most experienced professional working with court-involved child custody conflict. We all need support. Bessel van der Kolk and Ed Tronick provide Dorcy with all the support she needs. You need to take Bessel’s four-day course, Dorcy – for the support it provides.
I know trauma and child abuse. I know van der Kolk and Tronick and more. I know Kohut and self psychology, Dorcy doesn’t even know she’s a Kohutian, but she is. I know the work of Dorcy Pruter and the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute, Ms. Pruter’s work is excellent, everything she says is true and correct, and scientifically supported.
Dorcy is offering a Facebook group, the Chosen Parent Collective. My recommendation for parents is to join the Collective and acquire as much knowledge and wisdom from Dorcy as you can. Everything she says is accurate and correct.
I’d recommend that mental health professionals also listen to Ms. Pruter’s consultation. She’s not a mental health professional – thank goodness – everything she says is true and accurate. She is the most experienced professional working in the family court system in recovering children from complex trauma and child psychological abuse.
If Ms. Pruter is involved on any matter where I’m a consultant, I would consider Ms. Pruter part of my treatment team, the trauma recovery specialist on the team. We’d want a family systems therapist for the maintenance care and family therapy. I’d want Dorcy’s input and consultation throughout.
Bowlby – Minuchin – Beck – were the first three points on the line. I used them for the structure of Foundations. But van der Kolk and complex trauma, and Tronick and child development, are at the core of the pathology and its solution.
I will be opening them next, their information and their knowledge, and applying it. Parents don’t need to take this course… I’d recommend it for all humans. Knowledge is a good thing, especially knowledge about children.
So I’d recommend parents take this 4-day seminar from Bessel van der Kolk… and the bonus from Ed Tronick. Or obtain the same information in a more accessible form through Dorcy Pruter. We use different words for the same constructs, I like her words better.
Porges and the vagal nervous system, van der Kolk on complex trauma and child abuse, Tronick on connection and the dyadic state of consciousness in childhood and in all of us – this is not new information. It’s 20 years old.
I first became aware of Porges, van der Kolk, and Tronick, around 2004. I know this information, I’ve known it for the past 20 years. The problem is not that we don’t know what the pathology is and what to do about it… the problem is you don’t listen.
I’ll be awakening “forensic” psychology to their obligations under Standard 2.04 and 9.01, the Bases for Scientific and Professional Judgments and Bases for Assessment. This will extend into Standard 2.01 Boundaries of Competence that would be evidenced on their vitae.
In my review of a psychologist’s vitae, I will note the presence or absence of this 4-day training from Bessel van der Kolk through PESI as evidence of professional competence under Standard 2.03,
2.03 Maintaining Competence
Psychologists undertake ongoing efforts to develop and maintain their competence.
As we move into solutions, it is time to address another required ethical Standard of the American Psychological Association, Standard 2.03 Maintaining Competence.
Standard 2.04 – Standard 9.01 – Standard 2.01 – Standard 2.03 – mandatory for all psychologists. There are reasons for ethical standards of practice. There are avenues to redress grievances.
I’m an old guy like Bessel. We know the field. We know the barriers in professional ignorance, apathy, and sloth. It’s part of the pathology in our collective culture of child abuse.
You, the mental health people… are insane.
It needs to end. We will end it because it must end – we never abandon a single child to child abuse, not in my world, not where I come from. The world is changing – because we are changing it – because it needs to change.
This is child abuse. This is spousal abuse using the child as the weapon. It needs to stop. Now.
Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, CA PSY 18857
Since I’ve been gone so long heres some new work for your viewing pleasure.
They say to fall in love with someone is to hand them a loaded gun and trust them not to pull the trigger
I handed you the gun
you emptied the clip
unloaded the magazine
you used me for target practice and convinced me that was all I was worth
you convinced me the mess you were making of me with a masterpiece
I told you, you’re hurting me
you told me it was my fault for feeling the heart break when you never intended it
one day I was the love of your life, the next day you didn’t want to touch me
I was hurt and confused begging to know why all you said was you were too broken to love me right
you painted me as a villain and yourself the victim of your story when all I did was try my best to love and protect you
I painted you to be the hero in mine and painted myself as the one you were saving when all you did was use me to get what you wanted
you told me you loved me every time you felt me slipping away
I see now you only loved the way I loved you and you couldn’t let that go
I loved you unconditionally
I did anything you asked I got you anything you wanted
I trusted you with the most fragile pieces of my soul
you trusted I would never walk away from you no matter how badly the pain you convinced me I would put myself through got
you always knew the right thing to say to make me stay
you made me believe I made up the pain, you didn’t intend to hurt my feelings so therefore my feelings weren’t allowed to be hurt
you left me and the blindfold I created from your toxic love lifted and I saw the mess you made of me for the first time in years
it wasn’t a masterpiece
it was a crime scene
you left me and I found myself broken and bleeding alone on the bathroom floor
you never saw the hurt you caused, I never wanted you to know
I knew if you did you’d come back just to convince me that it was a hurt that I created from the lies of memories I stored
I know now those memories I have of you being the villain we’re never lies
I was never crazy you, were just a master of manipulation you had me believing I needed you to breathe but the truth is you were the only threat of Suffocation in my life you had all of me convinced that the day I leave would be the day I wouldn’t survive well I survived I am surviving without you….
Thy will was done , in as this movie revealed
relationship lessons of infidelity, breeching the
Contract of Spirit and Universal Law , which profits
the industry of laws that do much harm to families .
A very extreme and harsh lesson, I have heard and read
such horrors of traumatic experiences .
Unnoticed , Unheard ,Unhealed
That healing is happening in mass 🐸🙏💯❤️💜💖✌️🌟☮️
Blessings & Much Peace 😘
Pain is the point of parental alienation. #Erased #
It’s the whole point. It’s the reason parental alienation exists. You could say its parental alienation’s reason for being, because that’s exactly what it is. Intense pain aimed at parents like us who love our children more than anything in the world by turning our children against us … is the aim of the alienating parent. It has nothing to do with protecting our children from us or because we aren’t good parents or caring parents or loving parents. Instead, it’s because we are good, caring, and loving parents that our children are tricked into thinking we are evil, forced to reject us, and made to believe they are supposed to hate us. Making us suffer in the worst way possible is the entire mission of the alienating parent, and yet this would never be possible if we weren’t passionate about our children and didn’t have wonderful relationships with them. Poor parents, even mediocre parents, are seldom targets of parental alienation because they can’t be made to suffer enough to make it worth the time, trouble, or risk for the alienating parent to force such a sick twisting-of-mind onto trusting and loving children. You can’t make a child reject a parent they don’t like and you can’t make a parent suffer the loss of a child they don’t care about. And so, by definition, we are targeted parents because we are awesome parents and the pain we suffer from losing our children is precisely what the alienating parent wants. And that’s sick. When we lose a child to parental alienation; that is, when we lose a child to the heinous manipulating, pillaging, and plundering of an innocent mind for the sole purpose of causing us pain, to say our world “changes” doesn’t quite say it all. It doesn’t quite get at the experience of being dropped onto a different planet as different people with very, very different children. It can’t describe this experience because our world doesn’t change so much as it vanishes and the world we suddenly find ourselves in is nothing like the one we used to know. We’re cut off from that world and trapped in an eerily different one similar only in that it still holds echos of the children we used to know who lived in that world with us. But only echoes. Because, even though it may seem as though our children are still with us in our world, they’re not. They’re not the same children. Something has happened to them. Something terrible. And in a manner that can only be described as nightmarish and surreal, the children we cradled, read to, sat up with all night, walked to school, drove to games, and gave everything in our lives for so we could be part of everything in their lives are gone from our world, and we’re alone in a deserted and desolate world that seems to be growing more deserted and desolate each day. But only to us. Not to anyone else. No one else sees this nightmare we’re living. To the people around us nothing seems different or wrong or strange. Except us. And nothing we do seems to make any difference. The world of the targeted parent is a lonely and heartbroken world, which, while remaining lonely and heartbroken for us seems to remain unknown and invisible to almost everyone else. And this crisis we’re now living of being cut off from our children while also being cut off from the people we thought would help us through our crisis, becomes even more heartbreaking when it’s our own family that doesn’t get what’s happening in our lives – that doesn’t understand the hardship we’re facing of having to watch our children change before our eyes while falling away from our lives. And yet, as painful and as heartbreaking as this rejection seems to be it’s not an uncommon reaction from people who have never lost children to the heartbreak and rejection that are so much a part of parental alienation. Not at all. In fact it’s pretty much the norm, even if it’s family. The macabre reality of being rejected by our children while also being rejected and abandoned by those people closest to us – the people we call family – at a time when we need our family most, is an impossibly cruel reality to have to live with; and yet it’s an understandable one considering how difficult parental alienation is to understand, on the surface. Because on the surface it makes no sense that a loving child would reject a loving parent and that they would do this in such a shockingly short amount of time … and … that they would do this in the absence of anything that parent has done to cause this rejection. And it makes even less sense that this child could be manipulated or programmed to do this, as is claimed to be the case. And yet that’s exactly what’s happening, hard as that is to believe. Because that’s exactly what parental alienation is, hard as that is to understand. And so I get that this is a lot for people to accept, especially people who have never experienced the chaos and confusion that are so much a part of this family catastrophe. I get that it makes no sense that loving children would turn against loving parents almost overnight and leave their lives completely. And I get the skepticism and doubt surrounding the claim that something as severe as the loss of a child can be explained by something as simple as some overzealous character assassination or mean-spirited criticism. I get that none of this makes any sense because it didn’t make any sense to me either, at first, and for the longest time I too thought I had done something to my daughter to make her turn away from me so suddenly and leave my life so permanently. I too thought I had hurt her in some way and just couldn’t remember what it was I had done – which is a very unsettling thought to have to live with. And yet it was the only one that made sense to me, at the time. Because at the time I also believed that only something severe a parent had done to a child could make a child turn away from a parent in this way. And I had a difficult time imagining how anything less than this could account for a child hating a parent so viciously and rejecting that parent so callously. And yet, try as I may, I couldn’t think of what I had done to either of my kids, to cause them to act this way toward me. Instead, and as is the case with most alienated parents, just the opposite is true: I’ve always tried to be a good parent to my children, we’ve always had very open communication between us, and we’ve always been very, very close.And so this was all very, very puzzling and I was very, very confused and none of it was making any sense to me, at all. one day i was my daughter best friend and the next she doesnt have to do a thing i say, no respect is shown as before .. something begins to change .. sadly many parents mistake the early alienating behaviors and normal teenage rebellion until its too late .. parents get trapped into frustration n and at time respond in anger at the lack of respect toward them as their mom i had no idea what i could be doing that was so impossible to be forgiven it wasnt even worth the effort to try …. That is, until I read about parental alienation. And then it made sense. Exact sense. Feature-by-feature sense. Symptom-by-symptom exact sense as if the authors I was reading were writing about the life my daughter, son and I were leading. Because at that point our lives had become mirror images of the lives described by the parental alienation authors in the parental alienation books. In fact we fit the model exactly once you began looking under the surface Because under the surface … underneath what we normally understand as the dynamics of the parent-child bond was not the behavior of a child who had been hurt by a parent but was instead the behavior of a child who was made to believe their parent is worthy of hate. Which is something different. Something much worse. And something much less obvious. And the only way to get to these less-obvious explanations for an alienated child’s behavior is to get beyond settling for answers based on hunches and guesses and personal opinions and instead make a genuine effort to look beyond the surface for facts which accurately describe that behavior. Which is something we do anyway with things that are important to us, such as, say, an untreatable child illness that isn’t given a hopeful outcome. And in cases like this we don’t think twice about getting second opinions, doing more research, and looking further and deeper until we find the answers. And we don’t stop until we find them, especially when so much is at stake. And so it only makes sense that we would do the same thing with something as purposely deceiving as parental alienation, where a child’s well-being is also at stake, and where the parents who are losing their children are pleading with us to take a closer look at what’s happening to their family. Because what’s happening to their family is not what it looks like on the surface. And if there’s one thing we know about parental alienation it’s that it’s not what it looks like on the surface. In fact, much of the history of science is essentially a history of the pitfalls of embracing misconceptions and myths about the world and the successes of embracing facts and truth gathered from going beyond superficial observations and speculations in order to determine actual causes responsible for effects we’re witnessing. And once I began doing this – once I began looking at the facts and truth about parental alienation and was able to match the behaviors described in the literature to the behaviors I was witnessing in my children, I was finally able to understand what was causing their strange and irrational behavior toward me. And then things finally started to make sense. Which was very comforting and quite a relief, at first, to know I wasn’t losing my mind and that I didn’t have to keep grasping in the dark for answers. But it was frightening as well because the answers I found only predicted a dark outcome, especially for a family like ours which fit the parental alienation model perfectly. The cold hard facts about parental alienation are that a parent’s chances of ever reconciling with a child who has been brainwashed and manipulated as profoundly as severely alienated children have are very, very slim. In fact they’re worse than if the parent had actually done something to the child. Which is not a very comforting thing to hear if you’re a parent still trying to figure out why your child left you in the first place. And so, knowing this I almost wished I hadn’t found the answers, at least these answers, and that I was still in the dark like I had been and like my friends and family still were. Or I hoped the experts might be wrong or that my family might be an exception, or that maybe, just maybe, I could reconnect with my children despite the slim chances the experts gave of ever doing this. But these were simply not the case, and it was looking more and more like our family was instead a textbook case of the type of family were severe alienation could happen, most likely would happen, and by all measures was happening. We even fit the manner in how it was happening right down to the uncanny and frightening details: All eight manifestations of parental alienation were spot-on as were the warning signs that could lead to alienation such as a long and contentious custody battle and a history of one parent bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the children. All of which are definite dangerous warning signs as well as being definitely us. But what was even more us, and an even more dangerous warning sign, was that of a parent sharing custody with an ex-spouse who has undying passion to take your children away from you. And that we had in spades. Because – and like with most alienated parents – ever since our divorce, my ex has had nothing less than an insatiable quest to exclude me from my children’s lives no matter what it took, no matter who got in his way, and no matter whether he had grounds to make so many false claims about me. And even though he never had the grounds to do this or evidence to support such claims and was therefore never successful, it still never stopped him from trying. Or expressing the truth of these claims to our children . In fact, his need to control our children and control me , making sure it was known he was incharge that he would deside (a need which seemed to control his motivation to erase me from there lives ) by trying to control which parent our children should live with and which parent they should have in their lives how often they will see them and what they can or can not do with that parent, how often they can call or even think about the other parent , which parent they should be able to love, since our separation. And unfortunately for the kids and me we seemed to have gotten used to his demand for control and that it was easier to allow it and comply with his demands rather then deal with his punishment which was to deny access between the kids and myself mainly my son whom is now 12 . I let him have control in attempt to create peace for my children Which was a mistake – a big mistake. Because this warning sign was not only considered the one most likely to lead to alienation and not only did it seem to be lifted right out of our family, but it was also the one I had ignored all those years thinking nothing could ever come of it, because nothing could ever come between me and my children. Ever. It was unthinkable. I was sure of this. But then I was in denial. Even when the poisoning was so bad that my kids began hating me and wanting me out of their lives, and I began reading about parental alienation and studying the reasons for their hatred as well as seeing the overwhelming symptoms and undeniable similarities between our family and the casebook families, I still denied that parental alienation could be happening to us. that it was my fault that the times i reacted in anger was enough to cause such an extreme desire and certainty to remove me as thier motheri was completely shocked this doesnt happen to good parents that love thier children Maybe to other families, it could happen but not to us, was my thinking at the time. Because we were different, we were close. I was a good parent and my kids were good kids and this was absolutely impossible and completely unthinkable and could never ever happen to us. Right? Wrong. So very wrong. I was so wrong about this and I don’t today know how I could have been or how I could have ignored all these warning signs for so long, except for the fact that never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine something like this happening to my family. Ever. It was an impossible thing to imagine. how could a man that emotionally and physically abuse his family turn them on the one that did everything and still does everything they can to try and protect them to put there needs above my own … Which probably explains why parental alienation is so difficult to understand and why it happens so often and goes undetected almost always. Because, on the surface, it’s seldom obvious that something this sinister is happening to a family, and it’s almost impossible to imagine that it could be happening especially to parents who are so loving and caring and involved in their children’s lives. But then, that’s the point. thats why its hard to understand It’s because we are good, caring, and loving parents that we become targets of someone who is trying to hurt us in this way. Which is the great irony and therefore the great stumbling block for so many who are trying to understand this strange family dynamic. Parental alienation doesn’t happen to bad parents or even mediocre parents. It happens to the best parents. And you don’t have to do anything to cause it except be a good parent. Because good parents are the kind of parents who will suffer the most when their children are gone from their lives. Because turning our children against us by turning us into despicable monsters in their eyes and erasing us from their lives is guaranteed to cause us unthinkable amounts of pain. Which is the point, and which took me a while to grasp, and is still unthinkable to comprehend and impossible for my friends and family to make any sense of.or to fully realize how long it has really been going on. But mostly, it’s just plain horrible to have to live with every day. Because it’s not living. There’s no other way to say it: pain is the point of parental alienation. You could say it’s parental alienation’s reason for being. Because that’s exactly what it is. Pain in its cruelest form…