Tag: child Psychological abuse

Reconnection Trauma & Trust /Charlie McCarthy

The short answer is: Yes, relationships can be restored.

The longer answer is that, speaking from personal and professional experience, rebuilding trust (the love is there, just dormant/suppressed/disallowed) after experiencing parental alienation and the subsequent trauma can be a challenging journey for both the parent and the child. Many of us are so thrilled when we have communication and contact again, that we get our hopes up, giddily high. It’s obviously amazing to get to that point, having suffered the loss of our children from our lives, and so unjustly, but the road ahead can still (not always) be a winding one with some twists, turns and speedbumps along the way.

Here is some guidance that I hope will help:

Remember that healing is a unique and individual process for each family. Acknowledge and celebrate small milestones in the healing/reconciliation process. Recognise and appreciate the positive moments that signify progress.

Recognise and validate the emotional pain caused by parental alienation. It’s crucial to acknowledge the trauma both you and your child have endured.

Gain a deeper understanding of parental alienation, its effects, and strategies for overcoming it. Educate friends, family, and professionals involved in the child’s life to create a supportive network.

Where it might help things along, engage with mental health professionals who specialise in trauma, family dynamics and have a firm understanding of ‘parental alienation’ (though they might not want to mention those words out loud as they’re loaded and potentially insulting/upsetting to the child.

Consistency in your actions and words is crucial. Demonstrate reliability and a commitment to rebuilding the relationship by being present and involved in your child’s life. Understand that rebuilding trust is a gradual process. Be patient and set realistic expectations for yourself and your child. Avoid rushing the reconciliation process.

Create an environment where open and honest communication is encouraged. Both parties need to express their feelings, fears, and hopes without judgment. However, I would suggest that the child speaks more fully. It can even be that, years down the line, the child is unable to accept that anyone but them was the victim. They have endured a hell of a lot of ‘programming’ in that alienation period. It’s heavy with guilt, shame, anger, grief … let them unload (this isn’t easy) in a ‘safe space’ with you, one where your child feels emotionally secure. It might have to be neutral ground at first. And let them not fear retribution and anger. Do all you can to give them a sounding board, empathy, patience and love.

I hope you enjoy our daily posts, offering guidance. Reach out if I can help you with the coaching I offer.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#narcissisticabuseawareness

Alienated parent is a parent

As we approach the universally celebrated Valentine’s Day on 14th February, traditionally devoted to romantic relationships, I’m thinking of another manifestation of love – the profound connection and natural, loving attachment bonds between parents and children. It is literally heartbreaking that this innate bond would ever be compromised or sabotaged by intentional alienating behaviours.

One particular Valentine’s Day quote caught my eye: “I am not searching for my other half because I am not half.” I like that it rebels against the idea that anyone could be incomplete without a romantic partner. This notion of finding our ‘other half’ implies a sense of lack, incompleteness in ourselves, or dependency on external relationships. It is the same for alienated parent. You are still wholly a mother or father, even when the other parent is engaged in harmful, selfish, alienating behaviours. You are not a half-person romantically or a half-person as a parent (this isn’t about those who parent half-heartedly). Have you seen the film Jerry McGuire? I love it, but when I hear the apparently romantic line, ‘You complete me,’ I feel nauseous. I would have run a mile if anyone ever said that to me. I don’t believe love involves any ownership, neediness or giving away our power.

Of course, there’s a beautiful kind of ecstasy when we meet someone; it can feel like an end to any confusion, loneliness, and sense of not being loved. And we can somehow ‘find ourselves’ and equally, we do ‘lose’ ourselves and our identity in certain roles – like when we become parents. Regarding attachment, we can fear losing what we identify with – I am a mother. I am a father. I am a teacher. I am a doctor … Secure attachments contribute to a sense of safety, trust, and self-worth, extending from childhood into adulthood. But being complete in ourselves, autonomous and practising self-love is vital for our children and us too.

Recognise that you are whole, strong, loved, and loving. Despite the anguish of ‘parental alienation,’ practise self-love today and every day. True love, often commercialised with red roses and chocolates, fully transcends manipulation, possessiveness and control.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#traumabonding

#parentalalienation

#parentalalienationawareness

#love

Walking on EggShells with alienated child(ren)

When our relationship with our child has been damaged because of the alienating behaviours of our ex, it becomes very challenging to establish boundaries and normal parental authority because we fear inadvertently worsening an already strained and limited relationship. It’s common for alienated parents to feel like they’re walking on eggshells around their child. There are truths we’d like to tell them, but an alienated child often fiercely resists hearing the truth about their situation and reacts with anger and denial due to their psychological defence mechanism against confronting uncomfortable realities. The alienating parent has empowered the child to pass judgment, criticise, and emotionally disconnect, so of course, there’s a genuine worry that asserting parental authority might create even more physical and/or emotional distance between us and our child. ⁠

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Equally, it’s always a good idea to do what we can to avoid being walked over! And if it’s not us saying to our child, ‘That’s not a kind way to treat somebody’ or ‘Those are the rules in my house’, it’s not going to be anyone else. It’s about boundaries and teaching our children respectful behaviour. This is challenging during those teenage years when they’re more predisposed to rebellion anyway; they don’t need a lot of encouragement. It is fairly easy for an alienating parent to take full advantage of this. ⁠

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Our relationship with our children, being so wilfully harmed and unstable, prevents us from fully relaxing and enjoying the time together. This certainly doesn’t help. Challenging and unnecessary as it is, we just have to keep being patient, empathetic and understand this is not their authentic behaviour. We have been thrown into a warzone together, one we’re trying to survive, and it’s not one we chose to participate in. Focus on building a peaceful, safe and supportive space for your child, even if they cannot fully grasp the truth of their situation at the moment. Over time, with consistent love and care, there’s a chance that they might be able to see through the manipulation, hear the truth, and heal. ⁠

If you are going through parental alienation, know you’re not alone. I’ve been through it myself. Personally and professionally, I have over 20 years of experience. I am reunited with my children and here to offer support with daily posts on social media and also with the coaching I offer. Feel free to reach out to me anytime.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#narcissisticabuseawareness

#CoerciveControl

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Crime of Parental Alienation /Charlie McCready

The realisation that a parent has deceived them is horrifying. It’s no easy feat to come to terms with the lies fed to them to create a distorted picture of one of their parents – and often that entire side of the family too. They may remember how they felt at first when the alienating behaviours started, the times they felt conflicted and torn between their love for both parents and the requirement, encouragement and reasons given by one not to love the other, and their desire to please the parent who seemed so rightfully angry.

At first, there’s a profound sense of disbelief and shock that a parent they trusted manipulated them into believing a web of lies that poisoned their perception of a parent they had loved and wouldn’t have chosen to reject without their encouragement, coercion and false narratives. Anger quickly follows. It’s a betrayal that cuts deep as they grapple with the enormity of the lies. It hurts as they try to find a way to understand the fact their love and loyalty were exploited for selfish motives.

There’s grief too. A mourning for the time lost, and the version of their life that could have been, the innocence lost too. It’s a terrible realisation that their childhood was not what it should have been as they discover the extent of the deception. They may struggle to reconcile the person they are today with the person they could have been if they’d been allowed to make their own judgments and decisions.

Shame and self-blame can follow because they wonder how they were so easily misled. How can they ever trust their judgement again? Why didn’t they see the truth sooner? It’s a heavy burden to bear, feeling as though they played a role in their manipulation and the grief and anger they feel now that their rejected parent was put through because of the alienating behaviours of their trusted parent.

Ultimately, there’s a yearning for clarity and truth, even as the reality is painful to accept. Although the journey towards understanding and acceptance is fraught with complex emotions, it can also be liberating, as they break free of coercive control and deception. They can reconstruct their identity and life as they unpick the lies.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#narcissisticabuseawareness

#CoerciveControl

Alienator Traits

People who alienate their child from a loving parent often exhibit identifiable personality disorders, such as borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. While labelling these individuals as having personality disorders may seem like an attack, it is essential to recognise that they need help rather than pity. Behind their harmful behaviours, such as emotional abuse and coercive control, is an inner core of fear, inadequacy, vulnerability, and worthlessness that drives their actions. Understanding the mental health issues and personality disorders behind parental alienation can guide interventions and support systems to address these issues effectively.⁠

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Statistics on the prevalence of personality disorders among alienating parents can be challenging to obtain, as diagnosing personality disorders often requires in-depth psychological assessments and evaluations. Studies and expert observations indicate a higher prevalence of individuals with borderline and narcissistic personality traits among alienating parents.⁠

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Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterised by difficulties managing emotions, unstable relationships, impulsive behaviour, and a fear of abandonment. These traits can manifest in intense and unstable relationships, including the parent-child relationship, contributing to alienation.⁠

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Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) involves a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration and validation. Alienating parents with NPD may manipulate and control their children to maintain a sense of power and control over them, leading to the alienation of the other parent While it is essential to recognise the internal struggles of people with personality disorders, addressing the root causes of their behaviour and the impact it has on the targeted parent and child is equally crucial. Unfortunately, many alienating parents blame the targeted parent, make false allegations, and subject them to psychological abuse, which can be emotionally devastating. Alienating parents typically struggle with self-reflection and are often resistant to seeking help to address their behaviour. As a result, the cycle of harmful and abusive actions towards the targeted parent and the child continues.

Convincing them to seek help can be challenging even though if they could break free from harmful patterns, it would create healthier environments for their children. Simultaneously, interventions should prioritise the well-being of the child and the targeted parent, recognising the pain and distress they experience due to the alienation. Acknowledging the complexities of parental alienation, particularly when personality disorders are involved, is crucial in developing more effective strategies to address this damaging phenomenon and promote healthier family dynamics.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#narcissisticabuseawareness

#mentalhealth

#healing

#parentalalienation

Psychological Splitting – Charlie McCarthy

Psychological splitting, also known as “splitting,” is a defence mechanism employed by an alienated child to cope with the trauma of parental alienation. This occurs when the child is coerced and subjected to unbearable pressure, similar to psychological terrorism, into believing that a previously loved parent is bad and must be rejected. The child feels torn between two opposing realities: the love they once had for the rejected parent and the need to please and pacify the aligned, ‘favoured’ alienating parent.⁠

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Despite the alienation, the child may know deep down that their rejected parent loves them and is there for them. They may have fond memories of the loving relationship they once shared, and on a subconscious level, they may retain a sense of the parent’s care and support. However, the overwhelming influence of the controlling, alienating parent causes them to suppress these feelings, creating confusion and doubt.⁠

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On a deeper level, splitting reflects the child’s alienation from their authentic self, as they are compelled to live someone else’s beliefs and thoughts to survive. The child becomes enmeshed in the parent’s trauma story, losing their sense of self.⁠

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As the healthy-minded, alienated parent, it is essential to understand that the child’s splitting is a manifestation of their coping strategy and not a true reflection of their feelings towards you. Although you may feel confused, angry, and grief-stricken, it’s crucial not to let these emotions hinder your recovery. It is challenging for the child to “de-programme” once they’ve split, and pushing them to accept your defence or truth may further distance them. They are already grappling with shame, guilt, and confusion, so it may be best not to mention parental alienation directly.⁠

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Understanding the phenomenon of psychological splitting can help recognise parental alienation’s impact on the child and how they may still harbour love and attachment to the rejected parent beneath the surface. ⁠

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#alienatedchild

#narcissisticabuseawareness

#traumabonding

#narcissisticparent

#splitting

#psychologicalabuse