Tag: abuse narcissistic behavior

How to Stay with a Narcissist

How To Stay With A Narcissist…

“It is recommended that you understand that the relationship rules for narcissists are different than those for others. The following suggestions will help you to have a close, ongoing relationship with a narcissist:

1. Make sure you collude with your narcissist to reinforce his belief that relationships are one-sided and that he is entitled to have a fantasy wife, child, etc. Become comfortable at living with double standards and performance based approval.

2. Do not require him to share in household or child-rearing responsibilities. Make sure you are willing to carry these weights yourself.In fact, make sure you are ultra-responsible in all areas of your relationship. Do not expect the relationship to be 50-50. A more realistic expectation is that he will require 100 percent of your emotional energy and almost, if not all, of your personal identity.

3. Be available as a sponge or garbage pail to absorb his rage and shame. When he needs a place to dump all his negative emotions, make sure you are readily available with a willingness to listen, understand, forgive, and feel empathy for his anger.

4. Let go of your need to be listened to, validated, or respected.

5. Become comfortable with indirect and incomplete communication. Learn well how to navigate silent treatments and gas-lighting. Do not expect dialogues, but learn to be a captive audience for long monologues and diatribes. Do not ask questions for anything requiring a specific answer. Learn to solve problems without your loved-one’s input or approval.

6. Try not to venture too close to an independent thought. Be sure and check with your narcissist to see if your idea is accurate or smart. He, after all, is an expert on everything and knows what is best. In fact, sometimes it is recommended to steer clear of thinking for yourself altogether.

7. Embrace your relationship with betrayal. Your narcissist will betray you. It might not be sexually, but it will be in one form or another, particularly designed for your specific susceptibilities.

8. Realize that love to you and love to your narcissist have entirely different meanings. For a narcissist, “love” happens when you are a secure, stable source of narcissistic supply. Understand that when a narcissist tells you he loves you it means you are helping him feel good about himself by providing steady narcissistic supply.Narcissistic supply is what narcissists depend on for emotional “stability.” Typical forms of narcissistic supply include sex, power, control, one-sided relationships with no accountability, compliments, subservience, obedience, admiration, and other requirements unique to the individual.

9. Lose yourself in him. Be what he wants you to be. Don’t have your own individuality. To do this, let his words and actions convince you that your value is based on what he claims it is.

10. Learn to dissociate from your emotions. Being with a person who cannot attune with you, see you for who you are, care about your feelings, or value you for your individuality is very painful.It is important to numb your emotions by dissociation, or some other means of anesthesia. It is too hard to feel the emotions engendered by your unmet relationship needs, so being adept at emotional numbness is a recommended goal for a person who wishes to remain close to a narcissist.

11. Be a ready and willing scapegoat to his anger. Narcissists are always angry – their anger is either expressed covertly or overtly. Be open to taking all the blame for everything he is angry about.And even if he’s angry for another reason, be willing to try to fix it for him and make things better.Be aware that a key characteristic of a narcissist is that he is chronically angry. Learn to adjust yourself to this reality.

12. Become comfortable with loneliness. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a very lonely experience. The more you learn to live with emotional deprivation, the better you will fare in your relationship.

I must warn you, that if you decide to become emotionally healthy, set boundaries, speak up for yourself, and do not follow the above suggestions, your relationship with your narcissist may not be sustainable.

Because narcissists need narcissistic supply like you need love, if you do not remain a good supply source (as these tips are designed to ensure) then you may lose this relationship altogether.”

-Unknown author: borrowed from a friend.

Truth Teller Sherrie Campbell PhD

As our relationships with our toxic family deepens so does their ability to abuse us. When we are in highly dysfunctional families and manipulation and coercion substitute for love, we have no other experience to draw from when it comes to knowing what love is. When we believe that those who love us also abuse us, we are not set up for success in love.

A toxic family has to abuse and keep all members dependent. This is the only way to keep the system too confusing to leave. Further, no one can leave. Any family member who escapes exposes the toxic secrets inside the family system.

It can feel impossible to get out from under a family like this, but it is possible. It takes trusting the truth of your reality. Once you trust yourself you are on your way to getting to the point where enough is enough and you activate on that truth to set yourself free.

Trauma & Mind Control

Exactly my perception ; our

sons witnessed abuse and

trauma , and that was a bond

which was used in targeting

me .

I plan to discuss my thoughts

privately to them and I don’t

expect positive reactions

but the monster in the

closet wishes to transform

and liberate the “madness”

Peace – Love – Happiness

Dona Luna

youtube.com/watch

Money& Narcissist

IF YOU’RE STILL WITH A NARCISSIST, KEEP A SECRET BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR OWN NAME. AND KEEP YOUR CHARGE CARDS SECRET, AND IN YOUR NAME ONLY…the rules are very different when you are still with a narc. Let me tell you what happened to me.

I had built up a good cash reserve in our joint checking account. We had a 401k and a separate retirement account as well…at the time we split up. I had cancelled all the charge cards that had my name on them, since she was so irresponsible, but she opened accounts in her own name.

When she gave me the divorce papers, I went to the bank shortly thereafter, since I needed to hire an attorney. ALL the money in our checking and savings accounts was gone, except for $24. The 401k and retirement accounts were zeroed out. She had tried, I found out, to take out a second mortgage on our home, but couldn’t without my signature.

I bought that home and 6 acres of land for cash, using my own money. The car she was driving I bought her for cash, so nothing was owed on it. Now, in my 50’s, I literally had nothing, except for a pension that would start in a about 5 years, which she could not claim any of, at all, as I earned it before we married.

If I knew then what I know now, I would never have imagined that she’d be fair about our assets and split them evenly. Instead, I would have started a separate account at a different back, about which she knew nothing (so she didn’t hound me about it), and gradually moved half or more of our assets to that account. I WOULD INSURE FAIRNESS in that way.

How many of you have had everything stripped away from you by the narc? My ex, when she moved, literally took everything she could get into a large UHaul, including my tools, my electric razor, my vintage camera collection…you get the idea. What was left was an oak entertainment center that was too big and heavy to put in the moving truck, some antique furniture in pieces (restoring them was my hobby), and a futon. THAT WAS IT.

All our possessions and all our money was what she took. If I was smart, I would have used some of the money I would have put in my own account to rent a place, and move half the furniture and possessions, my tools, and my personal possessions, to my new place to live. But, instead, i was in my 50’s and starting all over again with NOTHING.

To make matters worse, she had run up nearly $80,000 of debt in her own name, including over $50,000 in student loans, even though I had paid per tuition, books, and expenses, her car, gas money, etc, myself. So, I ended up having to give her the title to the home as well.

Narcs are often parasitic. She used me to get an education to the Master’s Degree level, then divorced me. However, the divorce, at least, gave me a huge sense of relief emotionally.

I hope you learn from my experience, and from the experiences you see in the comments section, below. And, I hope the end result, in the long run, of that divorce is also a lesson. I met my now wonderful, loving wife three years later, and we’ve now been married 15 years. Since I negotiated the divorce settlement in a way that I left the marriage with no debts, I am happy to say that my now wife and I are doing fine financially, and we have a wonderful relationship with each other, or kids, and our grandkids.

It was hard for a while, and it had been hard for my now wife, too, post divorce. But, together, we build, whereas with my ex, I would build, and she would destroy. A relationship with another empath can change everything, including changing your life.