Tag: trauma

Hyper-Independence is often the result of trauma

Our alienated child needs others too. They need both loving/loved parents in their life. If a person has suffered emotional damage from abandonment, betrayal or broken trust, hyper-independence might be evidenced. The highly capable, independent and tough-skinned approach. The defensiveness. The need to not appear weak, vulnerable or in need of help. For the alienated child, they feel they can’t depend on either parent. One has behaved as a child, selfishly and belligerently (not to mention abusively), and the ‘target’ parent has been rejected as a result. To appease the alienating/aligned parent, the child has denied themselves a closer relationship (or any kind of relationship) with the parent who would give them unconditional love, emotional support and protection. The alienated child has parented the alienating parent and can be prone (sometimes by a trigger that takes them back to the root of the trauma) to feeling now that nobody cares about them. It is about trust. Who can they trust if the person they trusted the most failed them so badly? The child/hyper-independent person must learn to trust the rejected parent, putting aside all their sense of guilt and shame and confusion. It is hard for them to learn to be vulnerable and trusting. But it can be done, and it is an incredibly powerful and healing step forwards when they do this. When we all do this.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#parentalalienation

#divorcesupport

#childcustody

#FamilyCourt

#coercivecontrol

#childpsychologicalabuse

#hyperindependence

Snow Queen – Charlie McCready – Parental Alienation

Walking my dog yesterday, I was thinking about The Snow Queen, a fairy tale which is essentially about the struggle between good and evil and the analogy with parental alienation.

An evil troll has invented a magic mirror that distorts the appearances of everything it reflects, magnifying only the worst and ugliest aspects and shows nothing of beauty or goodness. The troll’s friends try to take the mirror to heaven to see what God and the angels look like, but it falls to earth, smashing into millions of pieces. These splinters spread all over the earth, distorting people’s view of the world, making it seem dark and terrible, and making their hearts cold as ice.

One summer, years later, some splinters get into the eyes and heart of a boy called Kai, and he becomes aggressive, cruel, and destructive as everything and everyone now appears ugly and despicable to him. He no longer cares for his childhood sweetheart, Gerda. He meets the Snow Queen. She kisses him – once to numb him of the cold, and another kiss to forget about the past and those he loves. A third kiss would kill him … You can probably see where I’m going with this. Gerda, like a ‘target’ parent, searches everywhere for Kai. She discovers he is still alive but out of reach. On her travels, Gerda comes across a sorceress with a garden of eternal warmth and summertime and promise. It is trickery, and it holds her there, wasting her time (like family courts). It’s now Autumn, and Gerda is cold and exhausted. Her arduous, difficult journey continues with more setbacks and small triumphs emboldening her. Gerda learns that her love and pure, strong heart are all, and everything, needed to save Kai. (We are more powerful than we know!) The Snow Queen has Kai in a frozen-hearted stasis and under her control. Kai does menial tasks she sets for him. Supposedly if he finishes his tasks, he will be free, though that is not her intention. (Governments/tyrants/alienating parents). Gerda reaches Kai. Her love warms him, and the ice splinters are dislodged. He remembers Gerda. He remembers love. He is free. Everything becomes as it ever was. He sees beauty in life again, and it’s as if no harm or cruelty had ever happened.

What is interesting and different about this tale is that the glass splinters don’t ‘infect’ everyone (like Gerda, not all children are alienated). Kai wasn’t to blame for his behaviour when it was bad – it was circumstantial. He was unlucky to get the shards of ice in his system. Also, of note, neither the troll nor the Snow Queen gets their comeuppance, but once justice and love have overcome them, they hardly matter.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#parentalalienation

#narcissisticabuseawareness

#rejectedparent

#FamilyCourt

#DomesticViolenceAwareness

#familyviolence

#divorce

#childabuse

#custody

#custodybattles

#childcustody

#psychologicalchildabuse

#coercivecontrol

Foxes guarding the hen house – Charlie Mc Cready – Parental Alienation

“The fox guarding the hen house” is an idiom which evokes the imagery of a potentially harmful situation where those in authority might exploit their entrusted responsibilities, just as a fox, an animal known to prey on hens, shouldn’t be assigned the duty of protecting the hens it might be tempted to sacrifice for their own good. In the context of ‘parental alienation’, the family court system, and the role of mental health professionals, this idiom resonates deeply with the struggles faced by alienated parents who often lack robust support from those placed in positions of authority and guidance. It suggests a huge conflict of interest. It could also be that the alienating parent is the fox. They present themselves as protective, when in fact, they are just looking after their own interests. They exploit their connection to their child, they manipulate the child’s perception of the world outside ‘the henhouse’. The child does not perceive the danger they’re in. ⁠

⁠

In either of these scenarios, the fox becomes symbolic of those who exploit their authority or positions of trust, potentially causing harm to the well-being of children and families. ⁠

⁠

There is a need for unbiased risk assessments, collaborative solutions, and a commitment to the well-being of all parties involved. It cannot be taken at face value that there’s ‘parental alienation’ or ‘domestic abuse’ and those in positions of power and safeguarding need to be able to determine what’s really going on. We need vigilance, fairness, and objectivity, with those in positions of authority understanding alienating behaviours and acting with the utmost integrity and empathy, ultimately safeguarding the well-being of families and children caught in these complex dynamics.⁠

#charliemccready #9stepprogram #parentalalienationcoach #parentalalienationawareness #parentalalienationisreal #parentalalienation #parentalalienationisacrime #narcissisticabuseawareness #narcissist #narcissisticabusesurvivor #narcissisticparents #narcissisticfather #narcissisticmother #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder #narcissisticchildabuse #narcissism #narcissismawareness #highconflictcoparenting #coparenting #coparentingwithanarcissist #highconflictdivorce #divorce #FamilyLaw #FamilyCourt #alienatedchild #alienatedmother #alienatedparent #alienatedfather #rejectedparent #rejectedmother #rejectedfather

The Things We Carry: How Our Ancestors’ Traumas May Influence Who We Are – Dale M. KushnerDale M. Kushner

What behavioral epigenetics reveals about how trauma can transcend generations
— Read on dalemkushner.com/blog/things-we-carry-how-our-ancestors-traumas-may-influence-who-we-are/