Tag: abuse narcissistic behavior

The Alienating Parent thinks they are a good person

Abusive people who lie, cheat manipulate, and hurt others with impunity, and no accountability or guilt, sometimes actually think of themselves as victims. No matter how badly they treat people, it’s not their fault. It’s your fault. In fact, the problem probably started when you started noticing their abuse. And to add to this problem, the fact they get away with their abuse, without facing punishment or consequences, the fact they can carry on, in their minds, justifies their behaviour. The alienating parent often genuinely believes they are right and good. Wow!

The concept of cognitive dissonance can help us get our heads around this. To resolve any discomfort from being ‘in two minds’, people tend to either adjust their beliefs or justify their actions. The alienating parent may engage in self-justification, convincing themselves that their actions are for the child’s well-being. They may genuinely believe that they are protecting the child from the other parent’s perceived harm or influence. This self-justification can lead them to see their behaviour as morally justified. They also often adopt a victim mentality, perceiving themselves as hard done by or failed or hurt in the past, and this somehow excuses/accounts for their current behaviour. It can also lead them to cast blame on you. It is a way of deflecting responsibility. They deny and project their negative qualities onto you, rather than face their own flaws and shortcomings. Some alienating parents lack self-awareness and may not recognise the harm they’re doing to their children. The alienating parent typically resists counselling or any situation where they may have to confront their behaviours, and in this way, they can carry on in their belief that they are right, and you are wrong.

While I hope this explanation helps shed light on the mindset of abusive or alienating individuals, it does not justify, excuse or condone the harm they cause to others, especially children caught in the middle. My wish is that if you understand these psychological dynamics, it can be enlightening, even empowering, enabling you to navigate the situation with more clarity and compassion, both for yourself and for your child. Most importantly, know that you are not alone, and there is hope for positive change. The love and bond you share with your child can endure, even in the face of alienation. Stay resilient, focus on your child’s well-being (where you can), and yours too, and believe in the possibility of reunification and healing in the future. Your unwavering love and commitment can significantly impact your child’s life. Strive to be happy.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#alienatedparent

#FamilyCourt

#parentalalienation

To those Responsible – Charlie McCready

Despite being a victim of false allegations and manipulative alienating tactics, the ‘target’ parent finds themselves entrapped in a system that often fails to adequately assess the truth, allowing baseless accusations to persist. The alienated parent, unjustly kept away from their child, experiences a profound sense of loss, rejection, and helplessness. Their relationship with their child deteriorates as the alienating parent continues to poison the child’s mind against them, and often it worsens during custody cases.⁠

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Legal and mental health professionals, who are expected to protect the child’s best interests, often fail to intervene effectively. Even when assessments are conducted, they are sometimes ignored or not acted upon, leaving the alienated parent in a state of perpetual despair and disbelief.⁠

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The frustration deepens as the ‘rejected’ parent witnesses the alienating parent’s blatant disregard for court orders and their refusal to cooperate in co-parenting. Despite these clear signs of malicious intent, the legal and mental health system often sticks with the status quo/does next to nothing, sometimes even making things worse. ⁠

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There is currently no ‘one size fits all’ remedy. But I’d like to share what a parent wrote to me suggesting – something that had worked for him. I paraphrase: “Demand from those in positions of power to put in writing what the allegations are about you. Ask them if your parenting has ever been in question before separation/divorce/allegations. Question them as to whether these allegations are a breach of your right to a private family life.”⁠

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This is great because by doing so, you assert your rights but also prompt the professionals to examine the credibility of the allegations thoroughly. If there is no prior evidence or history of concerns, it raises doubts about the authenticity of the claims made during the alienation process. Questioning whether these allegations breach your right to a private family life underscores the fundamental human rights aspect of the situation. This emphasises the need to protect the parent-child relationship and the family’s right to privacy. By raising these questions, the alienated parent not only advocates for their own rights but also challenges the professionals to uphold the principles of fairness, justice, and due diligence in their assessments.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#abuseinthefamily

Mom wasn’t the villain

I have counciled enough to know this information cuts both ways .

Of course, I was drugged , very ill, and traumatized

that X left me on my own for 5 years .

Little boys, young men, listen to me…your mother isn’t the villain in an abusive relationship. You might think things are all her fault, you might think her leaving is destroying the family for no good reason, you might be persuaded by your father’s lies and manipulation that your mother is the bad parent, but before you judge your mother, there are a few things you need to know…

Your relationship with your father is not what you think it is. Your mother was abused. Let me repeat that…your mother was abused, traumatized, and victimized by your father. I know this might not agree with what you saw or what your father told you, or what your mother told you. Your unawareness isn’t proof that it didn’t happen; it’s proof that your mother shielded you from the trauma that she endured at the hands of your father. You and your mother are both victims…of the same abuser.

She hid you in her love from the endless barrage of attacks — the mental assaults, emotional punches, verbal beatings. You saw the protected version, the version that your mother wanted you to see of your father, so that you wouldn’t despise or hate your father, or worse, grow up to be like the father you didn’t know. You saw your mother’s trauma, triggered, depressed, and yes, sometimes you heard her pain. But don’t be confused, you didn’t know she was in survival mode.

The relationship you have with your father, the view you have of your father, and the innocence you believe belongs to your father came at a heavy price. Your mother paid the price, she went along to get along, she suffered in silence, she walked wounded, she prayed in pain, she tried not to fill you with the poison she was drinking daily, to prevent you from having to recover from your childhood in your adulthood. You see your father through eyes that were protected by your mother’s silent pain.

My mother tried to do the same thing. It didn’t work. I can tell you that I wish I didn’t see what I saw — you can never unsee it. I wish I had never seen the pain, the hurt, and the shame in my mother’s eyes — you can never unsee it. I wish I would have never seen the blood, the chaos, the confusion, but my mother couldn’t shield me from the terror that scared me so bad that I would choose to urinate in the bed at night rather than get up and walk 10 feet to the bathroom to avoid running into the monster that came out at night — drunk and raging.

Don’t be angry at your mother because you didn’t see what so many see. Don’t judge your mother for trying to protect your innocent eyes from the pain of abuse. Don’t allow your shielded view of your father to turn you against your mother. I know this is a lot to swallow, but try to understand this: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). Your mother laid down her life so that you could have a life. You didn’t ask her to, you might think she should have told you, but she did what she thought was best for you, at the time, because she loves you. Imagine how she would feel if she were to lose your love for trying to save your innocence.

See, abuse is the sin, abuse is the evil, abuse is what breaks up homes…not the victim. Your mother didn’t break up your home, your mother was broken in your home — until she couldn’t take it anymore, until God called her to peace (1 Corinthians 7:15). You don’t have to hate your father to embrace your mother, to believe your mother, to love your mother. You can have two separate relationships with your parents. Remember, your mother is not the enemy; she’s the friend who laid down her life for you. She deserves your honor, and if honoring your mother causes your father to withdraw his conditional love from you or makes you feel disloyal to your father, the abuser, that’s called grooming, not parenting. This is true for both sons and daughters. I am addressing boys/men in this post from my personal experience.

Mothers, if you are experiencing this nightmare, if you are heartbroken over your child being turned against you, and would like expert support and guidance to rebuild your relationship with your minor/adult child, join me for a group coaching event designed just for you. Visit my website (link in bio and below) for more information about the “Silent Struggle: Post-separation Abuse Group Coaching Cohort.”

Website: http://www.patrickweaver.org

April Fools – Charlie Mc Cready

April 1st is a day marked by pranks and jokes, a time for lighthearted fun. But there’s nothing amusing about the widespread misunderstanding, misdiagnosis, and denial of parental alienation—a serious attachment disorder caused by pathogenic parenting. This form of partner/spousal psychological abuse and child psychological abuse is too often overlooked or underestimated, as children are manipulated into rejecting a loving, non-abusive parent. While April Fool’s Day jokes may be forgotten by the end of the day, the damage caused by this unrecognised emotional abuse (commonly known as ‘parental alienation’) lasts far longer. The cost of ignoring it is no joke—and its impact is anything but harmless.⁠

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If you are going through parental alienation, know you’re not alone. I’ve been through it myself. Personally and professionally, I have over 20 years of experience. I am reunited with my children and here to offer support with daily posts on social media and also with the coaching I offer. Feel free to reach out to me anytime.⁠

#charliemccready