Tag: Parental Alienation

Pathogenic Parent

You may have read previous posts I’ve written about virtue signalling, which is a symptom of a culture that prioritises appearances over substance, often at the expense of real accountability. In the same way, family courts often strive to maintain an image of fairness and impartiality, but this frequently leads to both parents being treated as equally culpable in high-conflict cases. Tragically, this can result in the targeted parent—the one alienated from their child—being unjustly placed in the same “naughty” camp as the alienating parent. Or worse, they don’t see through the charade and manipulations of the true persecutor.

What’s commonly known as ‘parental alienation’ is a psychologically abusive attachment disorder caused by one pathogenic parent who manipulates and weaponises the child against the other parent. Despite this being well-documented in psychiatry, psychology, and social sciences, family courts rarely recognise or act decisively on this knowledge.

Extensive research demonstrates that children fare better with the involvement of two loving, available parents and the wider family on both sides. The American Psychological Association (APA) highlights the significant mental health benefits for children who maintain strong relationships with both parents, even after separation or divorce. A meta-analysis by Bauserman (2002) found that children in shared parenting arrangements experience better emotional, behavioural, and academic outcomes compared to those in sole custody arrangements. Research from Canada’s McGill University reveals that children benefit emotionally, socially, and cognitively when supported by a loving, extended family network.

Furthermore, there is evidence to show that even children who suffer abuse can remain bonded to their abusive parent. This trauma bonding often stems from identification with the aggressor, a psychological survival mechanism in abusive relationships. It is tragic but revealing—children are hardwired to seek love and approval from their caregivers, even in the most harmful circumstances. In cases of parental alienation, this same dynamic is exploited, intensifying the child’s attachment to the alienating parent.

If this is the case, why are the courts not taking decisive action when one parent is clearly sabotaging contact and communication with the other parent?

The courts often listen to the ‘voice of the child,’ influenced by organisations like CAFCASS in the UK or Guardian ad Litem (GAL) representatives in the US, without fully appreciating that this is a child who has been emotionally abused and indoctrinated. Alienating parents engage in coercive control, spreading lies, false narratives, and projections, and using techniques such as triangulation and interference with contact.

These behaviours fall under the umbrella of coercive control. In the UK, coercive control is recognised as a form of domestic abuse under the Serious Crime Act 2015. However, this is not consistently the case in other countries, including the US, where recognition of coercive control varies by state and is not uniformly codified in federal law. In any case, the courts rarely recognise this when it is directed at children, even though it meets the criteria for emotional abuse (at least, under UK safeguarding standards). This failure to understand the dynamics of alienation leaves targeted parents—mothers and fathers alike—with devastating outcomes.

I’m not a fan of the nanny state or ‘big government’, I believe that specialist and experts in the field should have government listen to them, rather than the other way around. Things need to change:

Education and training for family court professionals is critical. Judges, solicitors, CAFCASS/GAL officers, and social workers must understand the tactics of coercive control, false narratives, and manipulation to make decisions that prioritise the child’s best interests. Independent psychological assessments must accompany the “voice of the child” to identify coercive control and emotional abuse. Clear consequences are also needed for parents who violate parenting plans or engage in alienating behaviours, such as therapy mandates or changes in custody arrangements.

Independent Psychological Assessments: The child’s voice should not be considered in isolation but evaluated alongside independent psychological assessments to determine the influence of coercive control and emotional abuse.

Enforcement of Parenting Plans: Clear, enforceable consequences must be in place for parents who violate court-ordered parenting plans or demonstrate alienating behaviours, including mandatory therapy for the alienating parent and the child and fines or changes to custody arrangements when alienation persists.

Mental Health Support for Children: Alienated children need therapeutic support to address the psychological harm caused by indoctrination. This should include trauma-informed therapy aimed at deprogramming the false beliefs instilled by the alienating parent.

Accountability for False Allegations: Alienators who fabricate allegations to restrict the other parent’s access should face legal consequences. False claims of abuse not only harm the targeted parent but also undermine the integrity of genuine abuse cases.

Parental alienation is not simply a family dispute—it is psychological abuse. It leaves lasting scars on the mental health of children and targeted parents. As the courts continue to demonstrate their inability to address this issue effectively, systemic change is urgently needed to protect children from coercive control and to preserve the attachment bond between children and the alienated parent.

The focus must be about identifying and addressing abuse. Parental alienation is an insidious form of psychological harm by one parent (and enablers) against the other parent – which harms the children, too.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#CoerciveControl

Parental Alienation: How to trust your child who has lied about you

Building or maintaining a relationship with an alienated child who has made false accusations against you is one of the most challenging aspects of parental alienation. It is deeply painful to hear your child say things that you know are untrue, especially when those accusations damage the trust and bond you once shared. The path forward requires incredible strength, patience, and resilience.

It’s important to remember that these accusations are not coming from your child’s authentic self. Children in situations of parental alienation are often under immense pressure to conform to the alienating parent’s narrative. They may feel coerced, fearful, and/or confused, and as challenging as it is for us/the alienated parent to understand, repeating these falsehoods can be their way of surviving within that dynamic. It is compared to Stockholm syndrome for good reason. Recognising this can help you separate your child from the behaviour, understanding that their words are a reflection of the manipulation they are experiencing rather than an expression of their true thoughts or feelings.

Rebuilding trust starts with showing unconditional love, even when it feels undeserved. It can be helpful to avoid reacting with anger or defensiveness when faced with false accusations. Again, I know this is not easy! (Even as a life coach, I’m guilty of reacting in anger when very provoked/accused of falsehoods and threatened with violence.) Do all you can to respond calmly and kindly, emphasising your love for them and your willingness to listen without judgment. For example, you might say, “I understand that this is how you see things right now, and I’m sorry you feel that way. I love you no matter what.” Such responses demonstrate that you are a safe, steady presence in their life, even when the relationship feels unjustly, painfully fractured.

Trust can feel like a two-way street, but in cases of parental alienation, it’s often one-sided for a time. While you extend trust and love to your child, it’s also essential to protect yourself emotionally. It’s sometimes a good idea to keep a record of interactions and communication, not to use against your child, but to safeguard your own well-being and ensure clarity about what has been said or done. Target parents get gaslighted and manipulated, especially when we’re so emotionally drained. Maintaining realistic expectations is also key; rebuilding the relationship may take months – even years.

Some parents, including myself for a time, face the unbearable reality of no contact or communication with their alienated child. When your child refuses to see you, doesn’t respond to messages, or seems unreachable, it can feel as though they’ve slipped through your fingers. I know how isolating and heart-wrenching it can be. The questions of “How did it come to this?” and “What more could I have done?” can consume you.

In those moments, it’s easy to feel hopeless. They may not show it, they may not acknowledge it, but somewhere deep down, they know you’re there, and you love them. This is what many previously alienated children have said was something like a lifeline.

Social media, for instance, might be one of the few ways they can see you—so present yourself as a person who is calm, loving, and thriving. Avoid posts that reflect your grief or anger, even though those feelings are valid. Over time, your steady presence and resilience may plant seeds of doubt about the alienating narrative and leave the door open for reconnection.

For 1:1 coaching, please DM me for more info, and we can have a chat about how it might help you as I have helped hundreds of others.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#alienatedchild

#narcissisticabuseawareness

#narcissisticparent

#emotionalabuse

Reactive Attachment – Charlie McCready

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a serious condition that can develop in alienated children due to disrupted attachment with one of their parents. They are conditioned to see one parent as all-good and the other as all-bad—a psychological defence known as splitting. This black-and-white thinking creates a deep internal conflict, also referred to as cognitive dissonance, especially as the child’s real experiences with the targeted parent don’t always match the negative portrayal they’ve been given. ⁠

Because they have learned to mistrust or reject the alienated parent—often as a result of manipulation and psychological conditioning—they may show little to no empathy, act emotionally detached, and display an exaggerated sense of independence. Another hallmark of RAD in alienated children is their extreme need for control. Unlike typical children who may test boundaries but still recognise parental authority, those with RAD refuse to accept it altogether. This is not simple defiance; they deny any legitimacy of the alienated parent’s role because the connection was never allowed to fully form or was systematically undermined.⁠

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Furthermore, these children may engage in hostile, oppositional, or even aggressive behaviours, seeing the alienated parent not as a caregiver, but as an adversary. They are often highly manipulative, using guilt, threats, or withdrawal of affection to maintain dominance, a behaviour mirroring the alienating parent’s tactics. They might also struggle with trust, display impulsivity, or experience mood swings, which are all signs of emotional dysregulation typical of RAD.⁠

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In essence, the alienated child with RAD is trapped in a cycle of relational dysfunction, conditioned to see one parent as unworthy of love and to reject any attempt at reconciliation, while clinging defensively to the alienating parent, even when that relationship is abusive or detrimental.⁠

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Over time, many children begin to question their entrenched beliefs. As they mature and gain independence, they may start to recognise the manipulation and emotional inconsistencies in their upbringing leading to a gradual realisation of the truth. Encouragingly, many alienated children eventually start to ‘see the light’ and reach out to the alienated parent. With the right support, patience, and a non-judgemental environment, they can begin to heal, break free from the influence of the alienating parent, and rebuild a genuine relationship.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#coercivecontrol

#pathogenicparent

#abuseinthefamily

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Love is Love – Charlie McCready

Grief and loss are heavy, and we feel like we’re only half-alive, barely observing a world carrying on without us, as we’re without the ones we love. It’s an abyss, and incredibly hard to see anything good. The trouble with this is that it’s self-fulfilling and keeps us stuck. It’s more a prison than an abyss. There is an escape route, in fact, the door is open, we can leave whenever we choose. Sometimes we don’t want to leave, we want to stay in our grief. It feels like we’re keeping the love close, to feel the pain of the love that was close. But we can connect in a much better way. We can connect with good feelings. With alienation, the intention is to hurt us. Often (not always), these are hurt people hurting others. We deserve better than that. We are not victims, we have just been caught up in the pathology, as have our children. But we do ourselves a disservice to be stuck in the pathology (which was its intention) and our children too. To see us beaten and hurt doesn’t help them. In fact, it might make them feel worse – guilt, shame, anxiety. All these are negative feelings and no good for any of us. Breathe. Be calm. Focus on what is good in your life. Focus on happy memories if you must look back, but try to be present. There is still love. In small kindnesses from others, and from the kindness you give others. In so many ways. Life is a gift. You are in charge of how you feel. So, try to feel good today, and the next day, and the next. If you have angry thoughts about a situation or person, refocus your mind. Listen to some music that lifts your mood, watch a comedy sketch, call a friend, walk in nature … lift your mood. If you don’t feel that great about the future, make yourself a coffee and take a moment just enjoying that, clearing your mind. It’s a discipline, but it’s also self-love. Love is love. Choose love. Choose loving thoughts as much as possible. Then you open the door to a better frame of mind, a better day, a better life. One day at a time.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#healing

#overcomingadversity

Craig Childress PsyD- BPRS

Heads up – incoming.

You will want to familiarize yourself with a rating scale: the Brief Psychiatric Rating Scale (BPRS), “one of the oldest most widely used scales to measure psychotic symptoms.”

Wikipedia BPRS
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brief_Psychiatric_Rating_Scale

The professional article is online and provides the BPRS manual of anchor points for 24 symptoms.

BPRS Article & Manual
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/284654397_Brief_Psychiatric_Rating_Scale_Expanded_version_40_Scales_anchor_points_and_administration_manual

The items of primary relevance are 9) Suspiciousness and 11) Unusual Thought Content (delusions). The clinical concern is for a possible persecutory thought disorder (in the allied parent transferred to the child; i.e., a shared/induced persecutory delusion).

I will be recommending that the BPRS rating scale be applied in all child custody conflicts involving severe attachment pathology displayed by the child (i.e., a child rejecting a parent).

I recommend BPRS ratings for items 9) Suspiciousness and 11) Unusual Thought Content (delusions).

I also recommend BPRS ratings for 3) Depression (grief response), 2) Anxiety (phobic response), 6) Hostility (anger response), and 20) Uncooperativeness.

We need to get clarity on the child’s symptoms. We accomplish that by using a reliable symptom documentation instrument, i.e., the BPRS.

You’ll begin to hear me reference the BPRS. You should familiarize yourself with the anchor points for the relevant sub-scales of 9) Suspicousness and 11) Unusual Thought Content (delusions).

As a lay person, you can apply the anchor points to the child’s symptom presentation to indicate your perspective and reporting on the child’s symptoms.

However, ultimately we will want a formal mental health assessment of the child’s symptoms using the BPRS to anchor our understanding for the nature, scope, and severity of the child’s symptom presentation.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist
WA 61538481
OR 3942 – CA 18857

The Alienating Parent thinks they are a good person

Abusive people who lie, cheat manipulate, and hurt others with impunity, and no accountability or guilt, sometimes actually think of themselves as victims. No matter how badly they treat people, it’s not their fault. It’s your fault. In fact, the problem probably started when you started noticing their abuse. And to add to this problem, the fact they get away with their abuse, without facing punishment or consequences, the fact they can carry on, in their minds, justifies their behaviour. The alienating parent often genuinely believes they are right and good. Wow!

The concept of cognitive dissonance can help us get our heads around this. To resolve any discomfort from being ‘in two minds’, people tend to either adjust their beliefs or justify their actions. The alienating parent may engage in self-justification, convincing themselves that their actions are for the child’s well-being. They may genuinely believe that they are protecting the child from the other parent’s perceived harm or influence. This self-justification can lead them to see their behaviour as morally justified. They also often adopt a victim mentality, perceiving themselves as hard done by or failed or hurt in the past, and this somehow excuses/accounts for their current behaviour. It can also lead them to cast blame on you. It is a way of deflecting responsibility. They deny and project their negative qualities onto you, rather than face their own flaws and shortcomings. Some alienating parents lack self-awareness and may not recognise the harm they’re doing to their children. The alienating parent typically resists counselling or any situation where they may have to confront their behaviours, and in this way, they can carry on in their belief that they are right, and you are wrong.

While I hope this explanation helps shed light on the mindset of abusive or alienating individuals, it does not justify, excuse or condone the harm they cause to others, especially children caught in the middle. My wish is that if you understand these psychological dynamics, it can be enlightening, even empowering, enabling you to navigate the situation with more clarity and compassion, both for yourself and for your child. Most importantly, know that you are not alone, and there is hope for positive change. The love and bond you share with your child can endure, even in the face of alienation. Stay resilient, focus on your child’s well-being (where you can), and yours too, and believe in the possibility of reunification and healing in the future. Your unwavering love and commitment can significantly impact your child’s life. Strive to be happy.

#charliemccready

#parentalalienationcoach

#alienatedparent

#FamilyCourt

#parentalalienation

April Fools – Charlie Mc Cready

April 1st is a day marked by pranks and jokes, a time for lighthearted fun. But there’s nothing amusing about the widespread misunderstanding, misdiagnosis, and denial of parental alienation—a serious attachment disorder caused by pathogenic parenting. This form of partner/spousal psychological abuse and child psychological abuse is too often overlooked or underestimated, as children are manipulated into rejecting a loving, non-abusive parent. While April Fool’s Day jokes may be forgotten by the end of the day, the damage caused by this unrecognised emotional abuse (commonly known as ‘parental alienation’) lasts far longer. The cost of ignoring it is no joke—and its impact is anything but harmless.⁠

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If you are going through parental alienation, know you’re not alone. I’ve been through it myself. Personally and professionally, I have over 20 years of experience. I am reunited with my children and here to offer support with daily posts on social media and also with the coaching I offer. Feel free to reach out to me anytime.⁠

#charliemccready