Tag: education

“Identification with the aggressor” (or defensive identification) is an unconscious defence mechanism whereby a victim of aggression and suffering (an alienated child) aligns with and behaves like someone (the alienating parent), who is more powerful, hostile, poses a threat, or cannot be overcome. In this way, an alienated child will learn to lie and manipulate as their ‘winning’ and ‘stronger’ parent does. Alignment and identification with the bully/aggressor also helps to suppress deeper feelings of guilt, vulnerability and shame. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome when a hostage feels powerless and aligns with their captor. They start to feel gratitude towards the aggressor when they are kind and (conditionally) loving. Deep down, the child/hostage will be aware that their alienating parent isn’t particularly healthy-minded or loving. The child knows, from experience, this parent is unpredictable, selfish/narcissistic, volatile, they run hot/cold – their parenting involves reward/punishment.

The children are parentified, their childhood sacrificed to the adult problems of the alienator, and their reaction to narcissistic wounding as a result of what is usually a high conflict separation or divorce. To love a parent like this the child often will ‘split’ in order to cope. To make the alienated parent the villain/baddie is to make their life easier in dealing with the painful experience of alienation, and no longer being allowed to spend time with a loving and loved parent. It’s to switch off, and totally align with the alienating aggressor. The child is actually afraid of the alienator, and they can partially conquer that fear by becoming more like them, and that pleases the alienator too, which means the child may be less abused. Also, when a child witnesses emotional, psychological (or physical) abuse of a parent, it’s intimidating, terrifying, confusing, upsetting, and as a survival tactic, they feel that it’s best for them to be with the terrorising parent, the one it seems unwise to fall out with. There will be consequences. They are afraid and feel they’ve lost one parent and don’t want to lose the other. What they see their alienating parent is capable of could be turned on them. The child ‘trauma bonds’ with the parent who poses the biggest threat. This is why the child feels negatively towards the things the alienator/aggressor is negative towards – it’s safer and easier to do so. They forget that their aggressor is really the origin of their suffering. I hope this goes some way to explain the phenomenon of why an alienated child supports, defends, loves and aligns with an abusive, mentally unstable parent while rejecting their more balanced and loving one.

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