People who have mistreated you (and your children) may not offer an apology for their actions but instead shift the blame onto you for your reaction. Similarly, alienated children might be seeking a resolution to the pressure imposed by the alienating parent, who encourages and coerces them to align against you, finding fault and severing ties. The children, consciously or unconsciously, may provoke you into a reaction. Have you experienced this? I know, I did, many times. I learned how to detach and not rush to defend myself in anger or indignation. Not easy, but do whatever you can, not to fall into the trap.
There are several behaviours that describe what they do:
Projection: This is a defence mechanism where people attribute (project) their own undesirable thoughts, feelings, or actions onto someone else. Where the alienating parent manipulates the child, they may project their own issues/shortcomings onto the targeted parent.
Blameshifting: Like projection, this behaviour is ideal for someone who wants to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and assigns blame elsewhere – typically the parent they’re alienating – excluding, poisoning/indoctrinating the child against. It works particularly well because any negative reactions, as a result of what they’re doing, are solely the targeted parent’s fault. Their aim is to get away with everything they do and without anyone looking at them.
Mirroring: This involves the imitation of another person’s behaviour, often unconsciously. In the context of the alienating children, they might mirror the behaviour of the alienating parent by provoking reactions from the targeted parent. This mirroring behaviour could be an attempt to align with the alienating parent’s perspective and gain approval.
Cognitive Dissonance: This is the discomfort felt when holding conflicting beliefs or attitudes. The alienated child may experience cognitive dissonance when confronted with the disparity between their actual experiences with the target parent and the negative narratives imposed and imprinted by the alienating parent. This discomfort might drive them to seek resolution by provoking reactions.
Gaslighting: This is a form of manipulation that seeks to make someone doubt their own perceptions or sanity. In an alienation scenario, gaslighting could occur when the alienating parent denies or distorts facts, making the target parent question their own reality.
Practicing non-reaction becomes a crucial strategy to disrupt this cycle and mitigate further emotional distress.
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