Why Do They Need to Keep Their Distance for So Long?”
Many estranged or distant adult children struggle with feelings that are hard for parents to see. Understanding these inner conflicts can help you better grasp why your child may keep their guard up, even if you’re longing for closeness.
From their perspective, some common fears and worries include:
“My parent is more interested in preserving their image of themselves as a good parent than in taking responsibility for the past.”
For many adult children, the deepest need is to feel that their pain is taken seriously. If they sense that a parent’s focus is on proving they were not at fault, rather than acknowledging the child’s experience, it can make reconciliation feel impossible. Even if you strongly disagree with their interpretation, the perception that you’re defending your position instead of hearing them can block closeness.
“If I’m kind to my parent, they’ll take that as a free pass for the things that bother me.”
Some adult children fear that showing warmth will erase or minimize their struggles. Being nice might feel like saying, “It wasn’t so bad after all.” For them, distance can be a way of keeping the past on the record.
“If I act warmly, it might look like the past doesn’t matter.”
Your child may want to feel understood without having to constantly restate their pain. If they sense that their kindness will be used as evidence that the past wasn’t as important, they may withhold affection as a way of insisting that their story still counts.
“It’s scary to let myself get close—I might feel how much I still need them, lower my guard, and get hurt again.”
Many estranged children still carry a longing for their parent’s love and approval. But closeness makes them vulnerable to disappointment, dependency or enmeshment. The act of staying distant can feel safer than those risks.
“It feels weak to admit or show how much love or dependence I still feel for them.”
Some adult children believe that acknowledging their love or need makes them powerless, or undermines the independence they’ve worked so hard to establish. What looks like coldness may actually be self-protection.
What This Means for Parents
It’s important to remember that these fears don’t necessarily reflect the whole truth about you as a parent—they reflect your child’s inner experience. That distinction matters, because it can help you respond without defensiveness.
If you need help in understanding your child’s estrangement, join us TONIGHT for
“What Could They Be Thinking??”
Tuesday Sep2 at 430 Pacific
Register here https://drjoshuacoleman.as.me/Whatcouldtheybethinking
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