The most profoundly healing and helpful thing we can offer our alienated child/ren is our own healing. That is the same whether they’re currently in our lives or not. It doesn’t help them to know we’re in pain (angry, grieving, holding onto the past) and it doesn’t draw them back to us, quite the opposite. They also suffered and if they’re ever aware of the part they’ve played (or been induced into playing) there’s enormous guilt and grief and shame for them too. We subconsciously hold onto grief as a reminder, a bridge of sorts to the old life we miss, our alienated child. We feel the void, the ache in our hearts as a physical sensation that, in some ways, we find it hard to let go of, almost as if to do so means we’re forgetting, not doing enough, and we’re not allowed to be happy without feeling guilty. But we owe it to ourselves, and our child/ren to be happy and lead the way. It’s not selfishness. It’s strong and it’s loving. Even without children around, we can start working on ourselves. Healing ourselves is also the way to heal the world. One person at a time, the more we heal, the more people around us can too. It has a ripple effect. Someone has to stop the generational trauma – let it be you. Psychologist, D.W. Winnicott, said we don’t need to be perfect parents, we just need to avoid harming our children. Most of us have childhood wounds, and if we don’t sort them out, we can inadvertently pass them down. As we say, hurt people hurt people, so do healed people heal people.
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