Todays energy is so powerful and I went out for my
morning therapeutic, smoke , watching the folks
across the way at the Buffalo Brewery . It’s a magical
place , and in summer I can hear the music played
outside ; it’s a tad chilly in the late afternoon , worse
if windy etc .
The kiddos playing entranced me as I watched their
toss and fetch with a frisky golden retriever , then
to rolling in the grass , which brought back precious
memories of our 3 boys . I have pictures of them
rolling down the sand dunes at Carolla , NC
how they repeated going back for more .
That’s how we learn , however babies coming in
in mass since 2000, have a knowing , and will not
accept lies , ignorance of their needs , etc .. no
longer repeating the worst of generations that held
power and ownership of a child .
This showed up in the courts when a very toxic
and uneducated court ruled that a child did not need
it’s Mom after age 7! This led to no fault divorce
and no fault divorces and dropped ‘ alienation of
affection ‘ a polite way of stating adultery. I was
blind to his actual participation in casual sexual
experiences , due to his mastery of projection .
The 1st nudge of suspicious behavior , was a weekend
I jointed his 2 gal pals for beach weekend and he
and 1 gal’s husband to cruise the downtown market
for street walkers ! He was apparently just along
for the ride 😏
I fell asleep in the sun at the beach, it was awkward
as the 2 gals were like a committee, and subtly let
me know they rules ..It was rather juvenile to me
and I ignored them.. I was pregnant and X was in
denial, and I became a liability ..and an expense.
And to safe guard his extremes of behaviors , I
was sacrificed , not knowing what he was doing to
our sons .
As I live each day , with 3 souls that have experienced
the traumatic and living death demanded by a parent
to be allowed , and directed showed up with a year
long estrangement .
I grit my teeth , which are a real mess and very
painful , due to not having the place and privacy
to release the pain and frustrations of my efforts
to clear this for decades and awareness of the spiritual
judgement decreed .
Screaming for sweet release that Thy Will is Done
and much grief and joy at the release of negative
ungrounded , unhealed darkness , whose demons
arise with light …I grew up with it , and it became
apparently our 1st year, as did his primal responses .
I concentrated on creating a home and caring for our
gift from God .
Screaming for the loses as justice is served .
A shower , and some sunshine , a good meal
after a good cry in the shower is my RX for
today ✍️🌞❤️🥲😎💤
I don’t release to the extent of harm to myself .
When I first released deeply beginning 2004
my left arm would throb , so I knew better than to
go too deep .
When Dad passed , I had the most primal screaming
cry ever and sounded like an animal . A dear friend
who is wheel chair bound via MS , had a very brilliant
mind was on the phone with me , and I was very
grateful.
I’ve rented a few homes that afforded me the space
to do so. It is therapy .
April is the anniversary of my Xanax overdose
experience, always aware that eldest son was with
me, and his needs were ignored as well as mine .
It is also the anniversary of my Mom’s death , which
I think was April 12 , 1999. It was also windy and cold
and I considered this as her casket was lowered into
the ground . Nothing was ‘ normal ‘ that day
if ever..I left the after party, at our parents house
noting oddities and behaviors that did not feel safe .
I was uncomfortably numb , and healed as much as I
of that relationship that it holds no power over me .
Holding that scream for decades , such grief even
as she breathed, released somewhat by the facts
presented with the use of hypnotic RX Twilight
Sleep as I birthed , destroying the natural process
of attachment .
Laughter and Crying are the same release – Joni
Mitchell.
And I am soooo ready to laugh as earlier , with those
kiddos rolling in the grass, grounding and releasing
receiving oxygen and laughing with squeals of
delight .
* Hopefully no toxic chemicals are used on the grass.
This may flip around , I grasp that I can detour ,
however I am authentic and my head and heart are
full and downloads come in quickly so I can
appraise , utilize , and delete dense dank old business.
Which leaves much more space for more positive
and healthier experiences 💯
Hungry 🥗🍞
GreatCosmicMothersUnite 