Traditionally, issues related to separated parents and their children have been framed in the context of child custody battles, focusing on which parent gets legal or physical custody of the child. The more critical concern is the protection of the child’s well-being, which is why alienating behaviours must be better understood and come under more scrutiny. What is often called ‘parental alienation’ is, in essence, child psychological abuse, which happens when one parent systematically undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent. Ideally, children should have both parents (and their entire family) in their lives, which is most beneficial to them. It shouldn’t be necessary for legal intervention. When both parents are mentally healthy and share a genuine concern for their children’s well-being, they should be capable of collaboratively devising a custody arrangement that is equitable for everyone involved. Any deviation from this collaborative approach may signal mental health concerns in one of the parents. This is when outside help is needed – risk assessments by people who understand and recognise coercive control, emotional manipulation, triangulation, and insecure attachment disorders. They also need to be able to differentiate between genuine and false allegations. There should be consequences if one parent is caught making false allegations and it is seen that this parent is unwilling and determined not to co-parent, even though this is best for the child. It is a mental health issue, first and foremost, which can be supported by the law rather than a family court issue with support from mental health professionals. Parental alienation is a social crisis because it can lead to mental health issues for both children and parents and thereby impacts the overall well-being of families and society at large.

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The alienated child is coercively controlled, enmeshed and trauma bonded into a confusing, frightening, upsetting and terrible experience. The drip-feeding of a negative narrative about a parent they love and who they are led to believe no longer loves them and/or has abandoned them is immensely difficult for them to process. It’s traumatic, and the alienating behaviours are like a poison entering their system and contaminating them. It is psychological abuse. In order to cope/survive, they will gradually ‘split’ (induced psychological splitting), because of the pressure to align with one parent and reject the other. Because of the indoctrination inflicted on them, subtly, and manipulatively they enter into a shared delusional mindset with the alienating parent and basically succumb. They start believing: I disown / hate / reject my mum/dad, who I loved so much. I know they’ve not actually harmed me, and they love me too, but at the same time, I hear all these things my aligned/alienating mum/dad is saying. It makes me feel protective, upset, and angry. I’m confused. I feel betrayed. This is horrible, I feel bad, and for this, I blame the parent who caused all this. They think I am being controlled but I have a mind of my own. If I have fears and doubts, I hide them. I don’t want to talk about this with anyone. If I think about it, I know deep down, I love my other parent, but I don’t want to feel anymore pain, guilt, or shame. I know what I’m doing. My ‘aligned’ parent needs me, and loves me more, and they do all they do for my sake, to protect me, because they love me. I have to reject the other parent to make my ‘aligned’ parent happy. It’s just easier like this. There must be a reason why this is all happening.

And, when the alienated child finds out the reason for ever ‘hating’ one of their parents was simply because of selfishness and disordered parenting from their apparently protective, caring, loving parent, it is a terrible sense of betrayal.

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The famous adages, ‘There’s none so blind as they that won’t see,’ (Jonathan Swift) and ‘What people believe prevails over what is the truth’ (Sophocles) encapsulate how people accept information aligning with preconceived notions or desires. As Anaïs Nin stated, ‘We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.’ Nietzsche believed that people need illusions, even if living a lie. Alienated parents experience traumatic grief as they witness their children falling for false narratives, coercive control, and psychological abuse. We see it in the world at large too. Some people struggle to believe their government would feed them lies and poisonous mistruths/deeds. Adolf Hitler wrote about ‘the big lie’ in ‘Mein Kampf,’ describing a lie so enormous that nobody would question it because no one would believe someone ‘could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.’ He believed this technique was being used against Germany. Dr. Joseph Goebbels elaborated, saying: ‘If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.’ Carl Sagan, an American astronomer, astrophysicist, was known for his advocacy of scientific skepticism and critical thinking. In his book ‘The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark,’ he wrote: ‘Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.’ He urged people to critically evaluate information rather than accepting it blindly. I also love this quote from him: ‘One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.’⁠

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Rick Hanson’s book ‘Buddha’s Brain’ suggests that even what we believe we see with our own eyes could be made up from memories, as our beliefs are created in our brains. Lies can become comfortable beliefs for those who perpetuate them. Confirmation bias leads people to accept lies that align with preconceived beliefs. Emotional appeal, along with repetition, can make lies more convincing, playing on a person’s fears or wishes and increasing its perceived truthfulness. ‘Herd mentality’ and influence from perceived authorities contribute to lies being accepted as truth.

The truth often comes with nuances, requiring a more profound understanding, while lies, especially simplistic ones, offer straightforward answers. Addressing this dynamic involves promoting critical thinking skills, and an openness to diverse or new perspectives. Fostering a culture of questioning, fact-checking, and understanding cognitive biases would contribute to a discerning society that values the pursuit of truth over the allure of convenient falsehoods.

I will give Sophocles the last word (which I like to believe is true!): A lie never lives to be old.

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The truth becomes a casualty in the hands of those who engage in blameshifting. They possess a remarkable ability to selectively narrate, focusing solely on a fraction of the complete story—a distorted version meticulously crafted to cast you/others as the antagonist. It’s never them. In this carefully curated narrative, they conveniently omit crucial details and context, emphasising only those aspects that paint you as entirely to blame.⁠

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To the children, friends, family, legal and mental health professionals, and everyone they want to get on side believing them, they portray themselves as paragons of virtue, courage, protection, and caring, overcoming immense odds. Alternatively, they’re a tragic victim. Whatever version is relayed depends on the audience they are addressing. This deliberate manipulation not only serves to absolve them of any responsibility.⁠

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They employ insidious tactics like triangulation and divide-and-rule strategies to further control the narrative. By involving third parties or pitting people against each other, they perpetuate confusion and discord, making it even more challenging to discern the truth. I’ve even heard one such person admit to me, ‘I have to remember what story I’ve told what person’. ⁠

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In truth, this process of selective storytelling and manipulative tactics distorts reality and undermines genuine understanding and resolution. By blameshifting, creating ‘muddy waters’, and sowing discord, they avoid accountability, perpetuating a cycle of deception and evasion. This is how they hope to survive in this world. It’s a cunning tactic meant to shield them from facing the complexities of reality, leaving you to grapple with the fallout of their distorted version of the truth.⁠

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Loving our enemies doesn’t mean condoning their harmful actions or allowing them to continue hurting us, our children, or anyone. The ‘turning the other cheek’ philosophy is about not reacting to abuse with abuse and retaliation. Mahatma Gandhi’s quote, “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind,” describes the consequences of how perpetuating a cycle of destructiveness and revenge doesn’t end well for anyone. But don’t our governments get away with warmongering in the name of peace and letting people (such as in Maui recently) go without the support they might expect and have already paid for in their tax dollars? Yes, but no. It’s not a case of forgiving them because they don’t know what they’re doing. Abusers (alienating parents/governments) often know precisely what they’re doing and don’t care. Abusers come dressed up in the guise of caring protectors. They try to fool us and control us, but we see them. Eyes wide open, though there’s usually much more that they invest much time and energy in keeping hidden. Martin Luther King Jr. also said, “A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defence than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.” We don’t passively accept what they do, but we are more robust and more powerful for responding to mistreatment with non-abusive and non-retaliatory actions, which would probably make things worse and hurt us even more.⁠
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Loving your enemy doesn’t preclude seeking justice for yourself and your children. You can advocate for fair treatment and hold them accountable for their actions while still approaching the situation with compassion. Putting someone in prison for an offence is more compassionate than the death sentence because punishment often worsens the situation. It can exacerbate the anger, malfunction and injustice they already feel. Angry people intent on controlling and harming others from their place of fear and lack of love) will not get better with punitive action. It isn’t restorative.⁠
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Another phrase encapsulates this is: ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’

Understanding why they’re disordered, selfish and vengeful (alienating parents) helps us. We don’t love what they do! But we all have the capacity for mistakes, and perpetuating negativity doesn’t help anyone. Least of all our children. I know this is a tough one to get our heads around. It’s easier to respond in kind, with anger, vengeful thoughts, and pain. But instead of perpetuating hatred and harm, we can create a world where understanding and compassion lead to healing and transformation, both for ourselves and those we may perceive as enemies. In finger-pointing and blame, there is no peace.

charliemccready #9stepprogram