Alienated parents often experience a painful dynamic where their children feel they have to “payback” for perceived shortcomings. This belief is instilled by the alienating parent, who paints (projects) a picture of the targeted parent as neglectful or selfish. The child, who has been led to believe these narratives, may come to expect constant compensation for the perceived wrongs.
In reality, the alienated parent has been prevented from giving their love and support. Their attempts to provide for and connect with their child have been limited or entirely blocked. Despite their genuine efforts and desire to be involved, the child has been conditioned to see these efforts as inadequate.
The alienated child often becomes complicit in this dynamic, unknowingly perpetuating the cycle of blame. They carry the belief that they have been short-changed by the targeted parent, even though the reality is that the alienated parent had so much more time and love to give. This disconnect creates a lasting sense of injustice and unresolved tension.
Understanding this dynamic can help alienated parents find some solace in knowing that the problem is not rooted in their actions but in the manipulative influence of the alienating parent. It isn’t easy to be blamed so mistakenly when we know our children truly have been shortchanged – against our wishes and at the instigation of the alienating parent – and we have to, despite all adversity, triggers, injustice, grief …, maintain our patience, empathy, and continued efforts to rebuild trust and connection with their children.
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