It’s stated professionally that the Alienator is Narcissistic in character
Alienating parents thrive on conflict and manipulation and rarely engage in arguments to seek resolution; instead, they aim to perpetuate conflict. The path of the loving parent is one of letting go if it will prevent further harm to the child. It’s an immense act of love. It is not about quitting or giving up, or giving in. It’s doing what is best for our children, even at great personal loss.
Detachment is an element of letting go because it involves releasing the grief and anger we feel because of the absence of our children and the injustice of what is happening. It’s not an easy endeavour. It’s often necessary to do this at a time of horrendous, complex trauma, isolation and uncertainty. Detachment isn’t passive. It’s an active and courageous act. It involves facing the situation and moving forward with non-attachment to any outcome. It’s also about recognising that we don’t control other people’s lives or actions. This shift in perspective offers liberation from the discomfort of the unknown.
I know a mother, alienated from her children who realised all the photos of the children she kept all over her house were old as years had gone by. They were no longer those same little children. She decided to put the past behind her, storing those treasured photos away that reminded her of happier times – and also her loss. This act became ritualistic, as it grieved her terribly, but it symbolised her acceptance that those children had grown up and were now experiencing time away from her, alienated, for however long. About two years later, her children returned. Between putting the past behind her and their return, she had ‘detached’ in a healthy way, focussing on her life and happiness (we deserve happiness too!). She hadn’t stopped loving her children for a second. The door remained open and one day they walked back through it.
There’s a quote attributed to many: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. It hurts us, which is the intention of the alienating parent. Alienating parents are unlikely to change. More’s the pity for them. We ‘let go’ for our own sake – it’s not about them. They don’t ‘win’. We’re not surrendering to their behaviour, but rather, we’re taking care of our own well-being. This is necessary for us, but also for our children. By focusing on our own healing and embracing detachment, we begin to reclaim our sense of self and create the possibility of a more positive future.
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