The non contact of over 15 years , has included 5 years
of an added leverage to be advanced in a girl child , then
There has not been any truth on a heart level , having
been befriended , then full of needed information , gaining
favors and power and influence , I crossed that line
in triggers I was aware of not not in terms of C-PTSD.
Threats come easily , boasting of ” I made him do xyz ” ,
of having made him the man he is, of making it her,
Kids, or me..promises of emails with gd, asking to come
visit suddenly , Bd dinner , late to create an atmosphere
of acceptance . A book called “too many cooks” . Threats
to have psychiatric evaluators to my home , have me
“Put away ” , blame for not having baptized my child.
Stating , ” you may not have been emotionally supported
but you were financially ” . Umm
Taking the spot of the matriarch , voicing repeatedly that
my children would never be interested in reconnecting
and years of this have convinced me that , I can no
longer participate .
As I grew reacquainted with gd , she was a bit skittish
and I respected her boundaries , having lovely visits
bring food that rarely pleased …I don’t cook or bake
for this is a challenge , critiqued so badly I dare not.
Child says , I smell , denying his “trigger” it’s always
His allegiance does not waver , despite being utilized
In gathering info from me , negotiating for ex , a
near miss in business that was so corrupt , it was
” I’ll leave you crisis”. So fractured , no contact
was a must.. Nothing more was said , when it came
up again , it was healed and I was negative .
Unworthy of so many things , allowed to create an
appearance , tossing out that most of son’s friends
think Mom is dead.
It seems enjoyable , competitive, and overpowerment
and an open continuation of abusive discrimination I
ignored , until I could not since 77.
Lacking consciousness , benevolence , I do not sense
any positive , progressive movement .
After a visit that included riding with gd and her male
friend , who took a precious item from her , teasing
her, she became upset and cried. It was just the 3 of us
in the vehicle . As she cried she told him how special
this item was because her ” other grandmother” gave
it to her.
She is very aware of who I am.
Progress was so good , that one of the last times I saw
her , urged to hug me, she kissed my lips. 😘
Neither parent sees a problem in cutting me off
and when ” family ” celebrations or the seasons
special events near , I am in error of something or
other and banished .
I made a promise to gd , and I have every intention to
honor her , and all children caught up in the nightmare
that is PAS/ChildAbuse. I realize many complexities
within this situation , each one involved . I was over
powered , and not abled to protect each of my sons.
After 42 years of being treated as if my pedigree were
insufficient , I consider I wed out of my species
or at least married into a society so secret and exclusive
and so vain, separated from spirit and soul, but a veneer .
I cannot allow myself to continue to have illusions
but prepare for an inventible disclosure of financial
errors , in addition to Domestic Abuse , allowing
psychiatry to chemically straightjacketed me , for
sons to witness 5 years of intensely and doing nothing.
Experiencing his discomfort that I wasn’t doing me job
pounding children ” She’s Fat, She’s Lazy, She’s
Crazy And She’s medicating as Bipolar to get out
of mothering you, of doing her job “. She doesn’t
love you..she abandoned you.,
So no family support , much blame , the ownership
with ex , referred to as “inheritance ” , strongly
suggesting I get a job .
My welfare has not mattered for 15 years intensely ,
for through the shadow of addiction , induced bipolar
I failed to realize the reality of my surrogacy , of
having filled a space , that was socially beneficial and
openly exhibited ” a man needs a maid” . I lived
with that surface only , lost soul as he shit at his own
doghouse proudly for all to see, which was accepted
because he’s “somebody” And I am not.
So , I am stepping out of Abuse that has no end , a
world of secrets , lies , blame, lacking response of
any humane benevolence have corrupted our sons
his sons as he gifted them $1000 each per testimony
for Christmas , and I as usual did not receive a card
nor a call.
An end of this hell on earth 20 plus cycle, offered
promise , hope, truth, clearings, healings , and
was yet again rejected in honor of continuation of
abuse , that cannot be justified .
And so I weep, determined even more to bear witness
of how one looses their children when all systems fail
and I am erased , as if I am nothing . It’s pure evil .
And it’s time to purge , detox this , and open up the
worm hole that’s deadly epidemic .
Sit that Baggage Down