Building or maintaining a relationship with an alienated child who has made false accusations against you is one of the most challenging aspects of parental alienation. It is deeply painful to hear your child say things that you know are untrue, especially when those accusations damage the trust and bond you once shared. The path forward requires incredible strength, patience, and resilience.
It’s important to remember that these accusations are not coming from your child’s authentic self. Children in situations of parental alienation are often under immense pressure to conform to the alienating parent’s narrative. They may feel coerced, fearful, and/or confused, and as challenging as it is for us/the alienated parent to understand, repeating these falsehoods can be their way of surviving within that dynamic. It is compared to Stockholm syndrome for good reason. Recognising this can help you separate your child from the behaviour, understanding that their words are a reflection of the manipulation they are experiencing rather than an expression of their true thoughts or feelings.
Rebuilding trust starts with showing unconditional love, even when it feels undeserved. It can be helpful to avoid reacting with anger or defensiveness when faced with false accusations. Again, I know this is not easy! (Even as a life coach, I’m guilty of reacting in anger when very provoked/accused of falsehoods and threatened with violence.) Do all you can to respond calmly and kindly, emphasising your love for them and your willingness to listen without judgment. For example, you might say, “I understand that this is how you see things right now, and I’m sorry you feel that way. I love you no matter what.” Such responses demonstrate that you are a safe, steady presence in their life, even when the relationship feels unjustly, painfully fractured.
Trust can feel like a two-way street, but in cases of parental alienation, it’s often one-sided for a time. While you extend trust and love to your child, it’s also essential to protect yourself emotionally. It’s sometimes a good idea to keep a record of interactions and communication, not to use against your child, but to safeguard your own well-being and ensure clarity about what has been said or done. Target parents get gaslighted and manipulated, especially when we’re so emotionally drained. Maintaining realistic expectations is also key; rebuilding the relationship may take months – even years.
Some parents, including myself for a time, face the unbearable reality of no contact or communication with their alienated child. When your child refuses to see you, doesn’t respond to messages, or seems unreachable, it can feel as though they’ve slipped through your fingers. I know how isolating and heart-wrenching it can be. The questions of “How did it come to this?” and “What more could I have done?” can consume you.
In those moments, it’s easy to feel hopeless. They may not show it, they may not acknowledge it, but somewhere deep down, they know you’re there, and you love them. This is what many previously alienated children have said was something like a lifeline.
Social media, for instance, might be one of the few ways they can see you—so present yourself as a person who is calm, loving, and thriving. Avoid posts that reflect your grief or anger, even though those feelings are valid. Over time, your steady presence and resilience may plant seeds of doubt about the alienating narrative and leave the door open for reconnection.
For 1:1 coaching, please DM me for more info, and we can have a chat about how it might help you as I have helped hundreds of others.
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