Alienated children often suffer from cognitive dissonance as they struggle to reconcile the negative narrative imposed on them by the alienating parent and their own genuine feelings and memories of the ‘target’ parent. This can lead them to seek reasons to justify their rejection of a loved, loving, available and non-abusive parent. It’s also a means to align with the alienating parent who presents as stronger and apparently safer. This is what the child wants – safety, security, love. Initially, they may subconsciously prioritise pleasing the controlling alienating parent to avoid conflict or further manipulation.
The alienated child consciously or unconsciously seeks evidence, often exaggerated or distorted, that supports the negative image the alienating parent has portrayed of the ‘target’ parent. Information can be twisted out of all recognition. There are many examples of this. A phone call can be called harassment. Gifts can be bribery. Virtually everything can seem wrong as the alienating parent repositions it, and unfortunately, the child learns this behaviour and starts to put it into practise themselves. This can involve past and present events. Happy memories can be erased and reprogrammed in a negative light.
But it has to be remembered that when the child does this, it is a way of surviving a dreadful ordeal and somehow trying to justify and validate the behaviours they’ve been coerced into. I’ve heard it so many times from adults who were alienated children that it really helped them to know their rejected parent was always there for them, waiting, in the background, with love, giving them hope that one day everything would be okay.
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