The realisation that a parent has deceived them is horrifying. It’s no easy feat to come to terms with the lies fed to them to create a distorted picture of one of their parents – and often that entire side of the family too. They may remember how they felt at first when the alienating behaviours started, the times they felt conflicted and torn between their love for both parents and the requirement, encouragement and reasons given by one not to love the other, and their desire to please the parent who seemed so rightfully angry.
At first, there’s a profound sense of disbelief and shock that a parent they trusted manipulated them into believing a web of lies that poisoned their perception of a parent they had loved and wouldn’t have chosen to reject without their encouragement, coercion and false narratives. Anger quickly follows. It’s a betrayal that cuts deep as they grapple with the enormity of the lies. It hurts as they try to find a way to understand the fact their love and loyalty were exploited for selfish motives.
There’s grief too. A mourning for the time lost, and the version of their life that could have been, the innocence lost too. It’s a terrible realisation that their childhood was not what it should have been as they discover the extent of the deception. They may struggle to reconcile the person they are today with the person they could have been if they’d been allowed to make their own judgments and decisions.
Shame and self-blame can follow because they wonder how they were so easily misled. How can they ever trust their judgement again? Why didn’t they see the truth sooner? It’s a heavy burden to bear, feeling as though they played a role in their manipulation and the grief and anger they feel now that their rejected parent was put through because of the alienating behaviours of their trusted parent.
Ultimately, there’s a yearning for clarity and truth, even as the reality is painful to accept. Although the journey towards understanding and acceptance is fraught with complex emotions, it can also be liberating, as they break free of coercive control and deception. They can reconstruct their identity and life as they unpick the lies.
#charliemccready
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