Adult Estranged Children- Julie Ventura Plagens

One of the hardest parts of estrangement is the silence. So many parents are left wondering, “Why didn’t they tell me why?” The truth? There’s usually more going on beneath the surface than we realize.

Here are a few possibilities to consider:

1. They didn’t have the tools to explain their pain.
   Some adult children carry hurt for years but never find the words. What feels sudden to us may have been building inside them for a long time. While pop culture (social media, counselors) may be pushing for an estrangement, the simmering resentments (the bullet) was already in the loaded gun. They just helped to pull the trigger.
2. They didn’t feel heard.
   They might have tried to speak up in the past—and felt dismissed or misunderstood. Think about the arguments you’ve had over the years. That is when they told you what was wrong. Eventually, they gave up and stopped trying to tell you. It was just easier to stop arguing and get peace.
3. They fear conflict because they constantly lose.
   Not everyone is equipped to have hard conversations. Some people avoid confrontation entirely, even if it means disappearing. I hated conflict and ran from it. It felt safer than dealing with it, as it always turned out to be my fault.
4. They needed space to breathe and heal.
   Leaving without a word may be less about punishing and more about self-protection. For whatever reason, the relationship had become too hard to deal with, so they just left. For me, it was akin to lightening the load on a ship during a storm to keep the whole thing from sinking.
5. They’re still sorting it out.
   They may not fully understand their own reasons yet for leaving. Sometimes people leave to process, not to close the door forever. Over time, they feel shame about rekindling the relationship as time got away.

These were all reasons why I left, although I couldn’t articulate them at the time. Your adult child probably can’t either. They just know the leaving Is the quick relief from pain.

You Can’t Force Reconnection—But You Can Do This

If you’re estranged from your child, I know how much it hurts. The silence, the confusion, the helplessness—it can feel unbearable.

And while you may not be able to fix that relationship right now, you can work on the ones you still have.

Here’s the hard truth I had to face:
My unhealthy patterns didn’t just affect my relationship with my parents. They showed up in other relationships, especially my marriage. And then with my adult children. (One tried to leave)

Do you find yourself…
Trying to control outcomes? Even get revenge when it doesn’t go your way?
Manipulating conversations without realizing it?
Wallowing in self-pity or constantly blaming others?
Obsessing over every detail of what went wrong? Ruminating?

Do you have addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, lying, or something else? This is a destroyer of relationships across the board.

For me, it all traced back to childhood trauma. I had felt so out of control growing up that, as an adult, I tried to control everything—especially my relationships. Core issue: I did not trust God or believe he was good. And I medicated with self-pity, blaming, food (sugar), rumination, victim mentality, etc. As long as it was everyone else, I didn’t have to look at myself or change.

It wasn’t until I started healing that initial pain that I could begin to clean up my side of the street. It was late in life. I left my family when I was 40. (No social media then.) And my adult child almost left when I was 53ish. We were all Christians. (I was a preacher’s kid.) Something had to change; I was a common denominator.

You can’t force your child back into your life… but you can continue to see what is popping up in current relationships.

And here’s the beautiful part: You have power.
When you begin to identify and change how you interact with people, it shifts how others interact with you. Yes, you can only change yourself. No one else. Blaming kept me stuck.

And here’s something to hold onto:
Even if your adult child has gone quiet, they might still be watching. I know I did. I asked people about my parents. I kept tabs from afar.

Eventually, there is the stage of accepting whatever the outcome is. Peace in that you have done everything you can on your side. If you are already there, I applaud you. God sees you and knows your heart. Most of all, He loves you.