This question to a ‘target’ parent from an alienated child sounds like a desperate plea: “Why don’t you just apologise for everything?” After enduring relentless psychological manipulation, coercive control, and pathogenic parenting, the alienated child is left emotionally drained and yearning for peace. Denial, projection, and submission may become their coping mechanisms as they struggle to navigate the toxic dynamics imposed upon them. The child may become parentified because of the infantile behaviour of their alienating pathogenic parent whose psycho-emotional needs demand obedience, unquestioning loyalty, and sacrifice. The needs and wishes of the parent are prioritised over those of the child, and justifications and excuses on the hero/victim theme will be employed. In the grip of attachment disorders and cognitive dissonance, the child finds it increasingly difficult to resist the demands of the alienating parent.
This is a relationship that’s based on fear, intimidation, bribery, threats, and control but with enough promise of love and care to keep them stuck and hoping for better. The emotional manipulation involves gaslighting, blameshifting and guilt-tripping. The trauma bond created by this kind of disordered, abusive (often narcissistic) parenting creates an experience for the child akin to that of Stockholm Syndrome, entrapping the child in a cycle of fear, intimidation, and control. Despite the toxicity of the relationship, the entrapment becomes thought of as safer than the alternative (freedom) and it can lead the alienated child to defend and protect their aligned parent even when things don’t really make sense (cognitive dissonance). Their compliance comes about through a longing to fix things and for love and survival (identification with an aggressor).
They become so accustomed to placating the alienating parent that they cannot comprehend why the ‘target’ parent resists. Also, all wrongs have been projected onto the ‘target’ parent. In their quest for survival and a semblance of normalcy, they can become so accustomed to submitting and placating the domination, tantrums, drama and conflict that often surrounds the alienating parent, they think it’s easier for the ‘target’ parent just to capitulate as they do, and apologise for everything, believing this will bring an end to their suffering.
However, I’m sure you know, as an alienated parent, surrendering to manipulation is not the solution. It doesn’t end there. It (typically) just continues. The children should know this too, but it’s hard for them to ‘break free’ from the coercive control and psychological abuse inflicted on them. But we can show them. Maintaining integrity, being non-reactive, creating boundaries, and refusing to apologise for injustices we did not commit, we can show our strength, and show our children the way towards healing and liberation from the trauma bonds.
#charliemccready
#parentalalienationcoach
#traumabonding
#coercivecontrol
#narcissisticparent
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