If you’re reading my posts, it’s probably and unfortunately, because you’ve noticed that the child you’ve had a previously loving and close, happy relationship with has become very much on the other parent’s ‘side’, things have become more black/white and divided than ever, perhaps even despite your best endeavours. Your children are aligned with them, and they’re starting to turn against you, or already have turned. They’ve started badmouthing, disrespecting, fearing, and/or rejecting you. what’s probably going on is unwarranted, abusive, psychological manipulation by the other parent inducing the child into this alliance. It is not you. It is parental alienation.
It is the alienated ‘target’ parent who asks, ‘Is it me?’ ‘Am I the problem in thinking the other parent is the problem?’ The alienating parent does not ask this; they apportion all the blame. In their minds, they’re right. They’re the best. They’re the only one a child needs. They are, of course, deluded. A child needs both parents. A child is better off with more love, not less. More family, not less. Alienating behaviours are entirely selfish, vindictive, manipulative and abusive. The difference between estrangement and parental alienation? Estrangement This is when a child severs contact with their parent for reasons they feel are justifiable. Alienation comes about through the wilful, determined action – and coercive control – of one parent against the other, which is unjustified.
The ‘target’ parent (not the alienating one) asks: ‘How can I make things right?’ and ‘Could I have done better?’ In hindsight, had we known about ‘parental alienation’ before it happened to us, we would have been better prepared (maybe – it would still be challenging, heartbreaking and abusive). Nothing you could have done differently is likely to have made any difference at all. The only way it would have been prevented is not to be involved with a person who has personality disorders (such as narcissistic traits) or unresolved issues that typically got triggered (by conflict, separation, divorce). You didn’t know what they were capable of doing – hurting their child to hurt, control, and/or punish you. Forgive yourself. You had done your best in extremely difficult circumstances you did not see coming. It’s usually already happening for some time by the time it’s visible to us – though often not to others, especially because the child becomes enmeshed, aligned, and trauma-bonded. Alienating behaviours involve emotional manipulation, false narratives, coercive control, triangulation, gaslighting, virtue signalling, the silent treatment, cognitive dissonance, shared persecutory delusions, projection, and hostile, aggressive parenting, and it is an attachment pathology and psychological, emotional and financial abuse. It is child psychological abuse too. It is not you.
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