An alienated child feels autonomous because their aligned parent’s psychological tactics are often subtle. The alienating parent may use ‘leading questions’ such as ‘Are you sure you want to be with them for such a long time away from home?’ They can use passive-aggressive language such as, ‘It’s a shame they make you feel so angry when they behave as they do, and you’re so good about it.’ It can seem caring and concerned rather than coercive and controlling. The child also develops a strong sense of loyalty and alignment with the alienating parent due to the fear of losing their love, approval, or the stability of the family unit. They can become ‘trauma bonded’ in an emotionally abusive relationship, often due to intermittent reinforcement, manipulation and a cycle of reward and punishment. They may feel autonomous because they’ve internalised the beliefs and narratives of the alienating parent. Often they justify their actions and maintain a positive self-image by convincing themselves that their rejection of the targeted parent is valid. Accepting the reality that the alienating parent acted out of selfish motives and not in the child’s best interests can be extremely distressing and conflicting. It may require them to confront the fact that they were manipulated and used as a pawn in the alienating parent’s agenda. This can be psychologically overwhelming. They can feel incredibly betrayed, sad, guilty, and ashamed, but they can overcome this. They can break free and truly become autonomous when they accept that they were not previously. It is hard to accept, but the key to their liberation and healing.
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