These days decry , demand getting off the fence , of owing your truth after factual discernment of all influences in your life .
It’s shocking, Traumatic and extremely lonely and fraught with fear and anxiety .
I did it my way , rightly or wrongly on my own .
I realize I was an emotional parent in the lives of two parents who loved each other passionately and weathered much , including infidelity and reunion. What they lacked in child rearing was highly influenced by Distortions in their own lives ,including Dad leaving home due to his Dad not buying his school books . He lived with an Aunt & Uncle as I’ve learned. Dad held many of his traumas deeply and I was proud to hold him in his shadow , his griefs, his long held feelings that he wasn’t enough ..he never made it . I knew his anger as pain , deep emotional pain and I had lessons , many only once , where he blew up , and I simply pointed out the results, or impact on me and found it unacceptable .
Mom was not an emotional communicater especially matters of the heart UNTIL my marriage, birthing our 1st year with a week to spare .. Past says ” had to marry ” excuse me ?!
Already highly sensitive , Mom’s “Twilight Sleep” RX for childbirth, added to her trauma as soon as she discovered she was pregnant in degrees she dismissed or lived with. Twilight Sleep prohibits bonding as the Mom has an outer body experience and “forgets ” her birthing experience . Handed her babu, she has no idea of who babu is …scary huh?
So I truly get it , and her and it’s been very difficult to heal past wounds of mother but forgiveness began with our 1st born son. Forgiveness came when I accepted she was too bound and scared to face her shadows of which I am aware of to a degree and as I became aware of facts , they meshed with memory and affirmed intuitively.
I trust my self after years of delving into memory , written, spoken, pictures , 1st person stories and emotions that I translate with what I see , hear and experience .
I am trusted in my intuition, and I council and am counciled with out much disturbed energy , my home is my haven , my solace, my peace …
The end of shaky ground in my home life , all the resistance is clarifying in reality .
I am at peace and in forward motion as I navigate very trying times , that have tested me hugely on many levels but I held the light , I rest , I eat as much and as well as possible .
I took charge , and dared to parent myself. Dad was the mother in a bonding that challenged Mom , because she had no soul or spiritual connection due to Twilight Sleep to me and my Pisces nature , her Sagittarius fire , it felt like a competition, and that leeched into the multifaceted scarcity of unity in our family..It was divisive and certainly not something I wanted for children I brought to earth .
I forgave myself for being in a place that accepted masked folks , trying my best to flow with many issues that insulted my soul and were compounded with a son , for who I wanted parents, siblings and enough of all good things , most of all love .
His trauma has been abused and supported in hatred and fear as rage seeps , accusations repeat and retreating and silence is granted him and I enshrouded in death , muted , forgotten , past
This legacy is not healthy, wealthy or wise and that’s why all that should be considered is revealed and the options of healing intensified or ignored are a matter of free will and destiny .
I’m surrendered , Thy Will Being Done .
Blessings & Peace