An alienated child will often feel a deep-seated need to protect the favoured parent, even at the expense of their own well-being and the relationship with the other parent. This phenomenon can be understood through the lens of “identification with the aggressor,” where the child adopts the attitudes and behaviours of the alienating parent as a means of survival. Similarly, it can also be likened to “trauma bonding,” a psychological phenomenon where people develop strong emotional attachments to their abusers as a means of coping with it.
Despite being presented with evidence of lies or coercion by the alienating parent, the child may still make excuses for their behaviour. They may defensively claim, “But I don’t love them any less,” or assert that both parents are equally to blame for the conflict. This response serves to validate their choices and behaviours, allowing them to maintain a sense of control and security in a tumultuous situation. This response is often a result of prolonged exposure to manipulation and psychological coercion by the alienating parent. Over time, the child internalises the false narrative created by the alienator, leading them to defend and justify their actions to preserve their sense of identity and security.
As the targeted parent, it’s natural to feel outraged, disappointed, frustrated, and dismayed by this. However, responding with explanations or pleas for understanding may only serve to exacerbate things, which you do not want. The child is unlikely to be (immediately) receptive to alternative perspectives, as their loyalty to the alienating parent has been deeply ingrained through time, manipulation and emotional coercion. Instead, it’s essential for the targeted parent to maintain their composure and simply speak their truth, expressing their love and willingness to reconnect whenever the child is ready. By avoiding confrontation, you can create a space for healing and reconciliation in the future, when the child is ready to confront the truth of their situation.
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