Alienating parents delude themselves about their superiority and their x’s inferiority. The following quote from Theodore Millon, considered an expert in personality disorder pathology, describes the alienator’s delusions very well. “Deficient in social controls and self-discipline, the tendency … to fantasize and distort may speed up. The air of grandiosity may become more flagrant … As their behaviors and thoughts transgress the line of reality, their alienation will mount, and they may seek to protect their phantom image of superiority more vigorously and vigilantly than ever … No longer in touch with reality, they begin to accuse others and hold them responsible for their own shame and failures. They may build a “logic” based on irrelevant and entirely circumstantial evidence and ultimately construct a delusion system to protect themselves from unbearable reality.”
Unbearable reality – that’s so key. Unfortunately, they share their delusions with the child/ren, and they make no apologies for any harm caused as a result of their behaviour. It’s narcissistic and selfish, and their grandiose, alienating behaviour often worsens after a humiliation, sense of failure, or serious setback challenges their (deluded) image of themselves, such as a separation or divorce. They need to reimagine themselves anew, with a narrative that protects their delusions, and the ‘target’ parent is the perfect scapegoat. Things become misconstrued, twisted, and when that doesn’t work, the alienator just makes stuff up that didn’t really happen.
It is child psychological abuse when the alienating parent shares their persecutory delusions, and tells the child/ren ‘a good parent wouldn’t do this/that/whatever’, putting the blame on the other parent and destroying their attachment bonds. While ‘parental alienation’ as a term is deemed controversial, Child Psychological Abuse (DSM-5 V995.51) is an accepted pathology. A shared persecutory delusion is abusive. The child should be removed from the abusive/alienating parent and given time with the healthy-minded target parent. Obviously, checks must be made to ensure the target parent isn’t (also) abusive, or using false allegations of ‘parental alienation’.
Psychoeducational guidance, such as I provide in daily social media posts (and to the parents I work with/coach), hoping to support people going through this – as I did myself – can help you to try and understand and validate this confounding, extraordinarily challenging experience. It’s important to be the parent your child needs and may return to one day and to be the person you truly are regardless of others’ behaviour. Embrace your strengths, seek support, and strive to do something that lifts your mood and makes you feel happier each day.
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