Acceptance is one of the hardest aspects of dealing with parental alienation. It does not mean that you are giving up, but it does mean that you are getting to grips with what has happened to your relationships with your children.
It’s like a car crash, the wreckage and detritus of a separation or high-conflict divorce. It’s there. It can’t be ignored. Your ex is saying, ‘look what you’ve done!’ Even if they’ve been in the driving seat, they’ll be blaming you. But you are a passenger, you can’t deny it. You need to get to grips with dealing with the wreckage. If your children aren’t ready to leave, if they align with the ‘driver’, the alienating parent, you don’t help them by staying in the wreckage with them. They’re not seeing it like that because, as backseat drivers who have been ‘coached’ by the alienating parent, and maybe this has been a long journey of alienation, they’re scared. They don’t want this drama, they have enough to deal with growing up anyway, and they turn their anger on you, just like they’ve been told to do, to stay ‘safe’ with the aligned/favoured alienating parent. It is a survival tactic.
So, how to accept this? As I say, it’s incredibly difficult. But get yourself out of the wreckage, pick yourself up, and recover yourself and your life. You’re on a different path to the alienating parent. Focus on the things that you have the power to influence or change. If you have contact with your kids, you can adapt your parenting style to better support them through their journey of parental alienation. If you don’t have contact with your kids, that might not be an option, so concentrate on yourself. There are many ways to help with this, and acceptance is one of these. Until you accept the reality of your situation you remain stuck in a limbo that stops you from getting on with your life.
Examples include parents who don’t have normal social and family engagement, preferring to stay at home in case their children reach out to them. How many times have you put your life on hold, and yet they did not contact you? Or they cancelled? Or the alienating parent found somewhere else the child needed to be? Parents stuck in limbo might also not feel good about being happy. Or being in another relationship – even though they’ve not seen their child in years. Give yourself the gift of acceptance. Love your children unconditionally and do everything you can for them within your power. Then accept what you cannot change and ‘let go’ (which is not to quit) of the grief, anger, and sense of injustice. Staring at the wreckage isn’t helping you, or your child. They have to find their way out, just as you did. It starts with acceptance.
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