Waves

They say it comes in waves.

That’s true.

But nobody specifies what kind of waves.

We need a guide.

Is it the monstrous ones that come in the beginning?

The ones that knock you over continuously? Without giving you time to catch your breath before the next one pulls you under.

Spins you around.

Disorients you.

Exhausts you?

Is it the expected ones that come before holidays and anniversaries?

The ones you anticipate so you drive separately to events or have an excuse ready to leave abruptly for when they hit.

Because you know they will.

Is it the ones you see coming and decide to swim away from?

Because you don’t want to feel?

Or hurt?

So you thrash.

Ultimately resulting in them taking you under.

Again and Again.

Or the unexpected ones that crash over you in the middle of aisle 3 at the grocery store when you see the Milano cookies you both loved?

The reality of it all rushes to the surface.

The wave that leaves the cart and groceries abandoned right there..

And

You drowning in your tears in the parking lot.

Or the ones you decide to fight.

Because you are angry.

Swimming right into the impact.

Lamenting.

Asking Why?

WHY????

Questions go unanswered.

Taking you right under the surface.

Is it the ones that haven’t came in quite a while? That had time to gain traction and height.

Ones that hit you out of nowhere.

When you are about to call them on the phone after they have been gone for years.

Because you wanted to tell them some good news.

Then you remember.

These ones that leave you on the floor in confusion and deep sadness like it was the first weeks without them.

Or is it the ones you have been riding over and over?

Almost like you become seasoned.

Knowing how to let them guide you.

Letting them wash over you.

All the feelings felt.

No fighting back.

Learning to go with grief not against it.

Because those waves will always catch up to you.

And..

They are there for a reason.

To be experienced.

To be validated.

Grief is learning to live with that love you still feel.

Navigating this rocky journey without them.

And that’s never easy.

But as much as you learn to feel all the emotions…

To give yourself permission to..

And give yourself grace…

The less intimidating those waves will become.