In healthy relationships, attachment and bonding are good and natural, and we thrive. When attachments become extreme, such as with alienating behaviours, it’s unhealthy, psychologically abusive, coercively controlling, suffocating, and an infringement on sovereignty. The alienating parent needs the child to completely align with them and share their thoughts, beliefs, behaviours, and delusions. They want their child to hate/reject their ex-partner and to make them an ex-parent. As for the child, they cling to this parent because their attachment bonds with the other loved/loving parent are covertly under attack. They strongly, co-dependently attach to the apparently loving, protective, remaining parent from fear and for survival. They’ve been terrorised into this alignment with lies and manipulation. They’re weaponised against a wonderful parent and ‘parentified’ to support, please and placate the alienating victim/hero parent, and in doing this, they feel needed. It requires a huge sacrifice (their autonomy, their alienated parent), but they’re usually unaware or unwilling to believe this. They don’t see the co-dependency/alienation. But if the child rebels or challenges their alienating parent’s authority/control, they’ll discover it’s better they don’t!
Co-dependency isn’t yet considered a diagnosable mental health condition, though it is recognised as part of some patterns of personality disorders. As with alienators, people with co-dependent personality disorders fail to see if there’s anything about their behaviour that is an issue and needs help. Often co-dependency shows up in the field of addiction. I’m likening this to the alienated child because, in many ways, the child is indoctrinated into a ‘relationship addiction’ and needs to ‘get clean’. And, just as there are drug dealers hanging around outside rehabilitation centres, there are ‘flying monkeys’ and enablers around the alienated child/parent. The pusher and user are in a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship. One gives, the other takes, but they feel they need each other. It’s a trade-off of sorts. It becomes habitual and difficult to intervene.
But the alienated child can quit the dependency. First, they must be aware of the enmeshment with one ‘good’ parent and be curious to learn more about the other ‘bad’ parent. This is why it’s crucial the alienated parent rises above the conflict as much as possible and strives to be non-reactive, happy, and emotionally/mentally strong and healthy. Be the living proof that it was projection, it was lies, it was disordered parenting the child was caught up in. It is natural for the child to want to break free of the co-dependency and control of the alienating parent. The sooner they can do this the better.
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